Wedding related manners/etiquette

I was told by my ex what time to get the kids (then primary age) to his wedding fifty miles away, and what time to pick them up in the evening. I came home in between, so 200 miles. I did it for my children.
A couple of years later, having moved, he instructed my daughter what time to get me to drop her off Christnas Eve, and to pick her up 24 hours later. DD pointed out that 400 miles in 24 hours across Christmas Day was unacceptable, and she wouldn't be coming.
Sadly these things do lead to permanent estrangements.

If, as seems the case, the Grandmother is not happy or able to travel on her own, she would probably appreciate the company of her DS and DiL at the wedding as well. Knowing how busy we would all be, my daughter invited her Gran’s best friend to keep her company at her wedding.
I think it’s rather rude to ask somebody not invited to the wedding to help out with transport.

Emelle

To answer the questions - the round trip is about 40 miles and the request came DH's sister.

Tell them you are busy that day and make sure you are. the people who invited your mother-in-law but not the rest of her family should do the organising.
What is your husband expected to do while his mother is at the wedding? I'm afraid knowing some of my DH's relations I would suspect your SIl is asking him to do something she doesn't want to.

I don’t agree with your summing up Franbern.

Nothing to do with ‘finding themselves unable to wish them every joy’ and ‘the only people of importance that day are the bride and groom’.

Obviously the happy couple haven’t given much thought to how grandma will be getting to their big day, apart from an uninvited uncle being expected to do the honours.

If only you were he Franbern, there obviously wouldn’t be an issue about it all, as you would gladly step up to be chauffeur for the day.

WOW!!! reading this thread makes me very sympathetic to those who just go off and get married without telling any of their relatives!!!!

This couple have decided (probably wisely) to keep their wedding very small - so only the very closest of relatives to attend. As has been pointed out widening it to include the people who started this thread could involve a further six or more people.

To my mind the only people of importance that day are the bride and groom. If relatives find themselves unable to be able to wish them every joy that day without receiving an invite to attend, then I would think they are not the sort of relatives that are wanted to have any sort of close involvement with.

And, as for even qestioning a forty mile round trip to take a grandma to this wedding - well ......words fail me. Glad you are not my family!!!!

20 miles there, 20 miles back. At that distance nephew's family should order up a taxi or hire car to transport his grandmother.

I would book yourself another engagement for the day and leave the other family to it.

What is your DH expected to do during the ceremony and reception? pop down to the pub or spend the time in the servant's quarters?

Franbern the least a loving sister can do is invite her brother and his wife to the wedding, then there would not be a problem. But not ask them and then expect them to provide a taxi service, shows a real lack of filial affection and, frankly, insulting.

I think they have a cheek , I would say , sorry because we weren't invited to the wedding, we booked a holiday/ weekend away on that date

Mind you, knowing my Mother, she would have told my sister that I wouldn't mind at all and just to ask. She'd volunteer the Pope and expect him to cooperate!

icanhandthemback That would be my mother too 😄

I would say that if his mum is elderly, frail and say uses a stick/tri walker then definitely because you are doing it for her. If she is a fit early pensioner then perhaps someone else? Just my thoughts.

I think it's bad manners - but I'd grit my teeth and offer the lift there - but not the return trip. It sounds like the sister is making arrangements easier for herself - without considering the distance and time involved for your husband. Obviously, if they needed your assistance, they should have just invited you both.

The op said 40 miles round trip, if it was one trip I would do it for my mum but not the return that's their call

The drive is less than a grocery run, for us. We'd do it.

Either dh or I would probably do a 40 mile round trip for a parent - as long as the return trip wasn’t too late. It does seem a bit of a nerve to expect it when you’re not invited, though.
Mind you we regularly do round trips of 120 miles to a dd, so no massive deal for us.

Well, it all depends upon how Emelle and her husband feel about being not invited to the wedding.
The op plays down the lack of an invitation; but it really is the crux of the issue.
Well, it would be for me

Or…….yourself and husband Emelle could make a day of it yourselves, find what’s happening nearby to the venue that day and shop, go cinema, eat out and await the call to collect Mum.

Well, it might be a bit cheeky but I'd do it for my Mum so she got to go. I'd do it for my husband's Mum if she was still here too. I'd make a day of it too so Mother wouldn't feel uncomfortable about it. Mind you, knowing my Mother, she would have told my sister that I wouldn't mind at all and just to ask. She'd volunteer the Pope and expect him to cooperate!

NotSpaghetti

Is the sister going? Maybe she doesn't know he's not invited?
Or maybe this is actually the sister's son?

That’s what I presumed.
We definitely need more information!

Goodness, weddings! Has there ever been one without an element of fraughtness do you think?

I'd do it of course. have a look around the local area and maybe you could both go to a National Trust place and have a nice day out while the wedding takes place. Say you'll collect his mum at a specific time and make the most of it.

For the sake of his mum I'd do it anyway - but obviously it doesn't sound very thoughtful of the sister.

Is the sister going? Maybe she doesn't know he's not invited?
Or maybe this is actually the sister's son?

I think it is an unreasonable request.

Cross posts with CG
It’s an intriguing situation

I think it’s a bit of cheek Emelle
Is it a small affair with just a few guests?
Were you surprised when you didn’t receive an invite?
What does your husband think? That’s the main thing.

What does your DH think about it?

Does he feel used, or is he happy to step in as chauffeur for the day?

I fail to understand what dilemma there is. Surely, giving Mum a lift to and from somewhere for her to have a nice day out, is the least a loving son can do.
TBH, I am pretty horrified that this request is even being queried.