Wedding related manners/etiquette

I agree with a lot of GNs here - what a cheek! Seems to me that the organisers of the wedding could perfectly well arrange a taxi for Mum, plus an overnight stay if appropriate, and pay for all this themselves.

DH's sister is definitely out of order in asking for your DH to make a round trip of 40 miles twice to take Her mother to Her child's wedding. I'd be inclined to refuse and suggest she organises a taxi for her because that's what she's asking for - a chauffeur.

I'd take her no questions asked and so would my hubby

Would those who object to giving their mum a lift to her grandson's wedding feel different if she asked herself?

Also, where does the idea come from that anyone has a right to be invited to a wedding, and is 'excluded' if that doesn't happen? People say the young are entitled, but this is, to me, the height of self-absorption. Nobody should feel they have to have a wedding of a particular size, with a set number of guests. They are expensive affairs, and these are difficult times. I don't know if the bride's parents are paying (in which case the SIL won't have any say, as MOTG) but regardless, I am astounded at how many people seem to feel that it is a slight on the OP that she and her husband haven't been invited to a nephew's wedding.

Having said that, the OP hasn't said what her views are, or what her husband's are either - it would be helpful to know.

MarathonRunner I agree with you, 100%. I think it’s a bloody cheek. I would be busy doing something else previously booked and cannot cancel.

Emelle

One of our nephews on DH side is getting married this month. None of our family have been invited which is absolutely fine. However, my husband has just been asked to give his DM a lift to and from the venue. I have my own thoughts on this but would love to know how other people think he should respond.

If car is and DH is available - then my reply would be 'Absolutely delighted' to be able to help you enjoy and happy event, Mum'

OP - what are your thoughts on this? And your husband’s?

Sorry if you’ve posted them - I have read the thread but it has gone on for a while now and I don’t remember your doing so.

FannyCornforth

Well, it all depends upon how Emelle and her husband feel about being not invited to the wedding.
The op plays down the lack of an invitation; but it really is the crux of the issue.
Well, it would be for me

Doodledog (hello )
I asked the same three days ago.
I’ve just checked and the op hasn’t comment further

Yes, I asked earlier too.

Everyone is commenting on the fact that the OP and her husband weren't invited, but it's possible that the OP has a different issue with the situation.

Ok, then, IMO, if there is a reason for not wanting to give your husband's mum a lift, eg lack of petrol money, bad weather, inability to drive for 40 minutes or so at a time, or something else as yet unexplored then perhaps you (OP) needs to explain more before we can say if YABU or not.

If it is just a case of being peeved because the invitation list did not extend to you then IMO you are being very unreasonable to prevent your mum (who I assume is getting on in age?) from seeing her grandmother get married for the sake of a relatively short drive and a dent to your sense that you are entitled to be invited.

I will go further and say that if I were hosting a wedding (or anniversary party) with limited seating I would want people there who cared about me and my happiness rather than those who quite clearly don't care about the day unless they get to benefit from it somehow.

Responders here are too eager to jump on one ship or the other.

First of all - there’s not enough information by original poster to make a proper decision.

Many factors are involved:
• Church wedding or not?
• ONLY immediate family or not?
• Formal or semi-formal affair, or not?
• Cost / expenses and who’s paying for it?
• No mention of good family vibes / dynamics, or not?

Those are just a few things to consider before getting your undies in a bunch. Would love to know all this (unfortunately we will not get…) and how it all worked out. In the meantime, Congratulations to the newly married couple!
Cheers!
USA Gundy

We have asked, USA Gundy. Maybe read the thread before bunching your own gundies?

I might offer going but without an invite I wouldn't fancy going back to get her. A 40 mile round trip is 20 miles one way so it would be perfectly reasonable for her to get a taxi back. A 20 mile taxi journey for a special occasion seems a more reasonable expectation than for someone not invited to make a second 40 mile round trip. If the one way trip is still too expensive for her the host son or daughter should pay, presumably the sister who asked. Why should someone not invited have 2 stressful journeys, lose time and petrol money rather than the host son or daughter help their mother. If your DH goes one way under these circumstances he has shown good support to his mother.

I don’t think this has got anything to do with “wedding etiquette” or even manners.
It’s about family relationships, expectations and consideration.
I have no opinion about what members of another family should or should not do - every family will have its own views as to what is reasonable or not.
They need to discuss it among themselves- it’s not “etiquette”.

MawtheMerrier

I don’t think this has got anything to do with “wedding etiquette” or even manners.
It’s about family relationships, expectations and consideration.
I have no opinion about what members of another family should or should not do - every family will have its own views as to what is reasonable or not.
They need to discuss it among themselves- it’s not “etiquette”.

Indeed. I only know what we would do.

No etiquette, just what we find acceptable, for our family.

I’d possibly say yes to taking her but they would be responsible for bringing her back as you’ve got other plans. And will they pay for the petrol!

Exactly Norah -defeats me where “etiquette “ is supposed to come into it.

MawtheMerrier

Exactly Norah -defeats me where “etiquette “ is supposed to come into it.

To me it suggests that the OP and/or her husband sees the issue as being about what 'should' happen as opposed to what the bride and groom want to happen, with the lift conditional on an invitation.

I wonder how much unhappiness is occasioned by people obsessing about what should happen, how things should be done?
There is no Head Prefect monitoring what we do, no Lady Whistledown to be scandalised and the neighbours , my dear, frankly don’t give a damn.
Talk it over, be honest, be kind but be reasonable.

I wonder how much unhappiness is occasioned by people obsessing about what should happen, how things should be done?
Quite a lot, judging by some of the comments on this thread.

I wonder how much unhappiness is occasioned by people obsessing about what should happen, how things should be done?

This applies to many threads on GN. I am also often left wondering why people do not just talk to each other, so many problems are caused because it never occurs to people to talk to other people about things.

MawtheMerrier

I wonder how much unhappiness is occasioned by people obsessing about what should happen, how things should be done?
There is no Head Prefect monitoring what we do, no Lady Whistledown to be scandalised and the neighbours , my dear, frankly don’t give a damn.
Talk it over, be honest, be kind but be reasonable.

Mawthe Merrier I mustn't be thinking correctly. Talk what over?

DH's sister asked DH to give his mum a lift to and from a venue, 40 miles round trip. Clear, do it for mum or don't.

The request is clear, talking serves no reasonable purpose.

Norah if only life were that simple. There is so much more happening around that 'simple' request. That is what should be discussed openly.

By “talking it over” I suppose I mean saying to the sister- do you realise the distance x2 or even x4? What do you suggest DH does in the interim? Is there nobody who has been invited who could take her or bring her back? Or suggest the siblings share the cost of a taxi. Make it clear it is a big ask and see if she suggests any sort of solution.

MawtheMerrier, Make it clear it is a big ask and see if she suggests any sort of solution. I understand, thanks.

We live where driving is a necessity, I sometimes forget that others don't drive my sort of distances with alarming regularity.

Thus, now I see another reasonable side to this.

We'd drive for mum, happily, and think nothing of it. We'd both love it if our mums were still here, to be driven.