Wedding politics

GrauntyHelen

This is completely the decision of the bride and groom Well done your son for actually putting his partner first Totally the right thing for them Be gracious

He didn't put her first. He got her pregnant without marrying her first. Now he is excluding his parents because he is weak and disrespectful.

WOW! That’s ridiculous. You should be able to go. His parents aren’t your problem. How upsetting for you.

What troubles me to see on this thread is just how many here are suggesting hiding your true feelings and walking on eggshells and doing anything at all to cling on to a relationship with children and their partners on any terms who are disrespectful and abusive and cruel. Since when were weddings solely about the couple? They are about two families joining together. Modern narcissistic generations have scrapped this and parents walk on eggshells around the little gods of their adult children. It doesn't get you anywhere with them in the long term. And the hurts they inflict over the years can destroy your peace and health.

What a dreadful situation! I would be very annoyed to be missing my son’s wedding simply because of the selfish behaviour of his in-laws-to-be. I would have to tell my son that if it makes his life easier, you’ll go along with what he and his partner want but I’d also add that I’d be assuming he wasn’t expecting a financial contribution to the event or a gift! Why not pay for a private family (yours) celebration afterwards?
I suspect your son will regret this in years to come. Very sad for both you and your son.

Blondiescot

Oh for goodness sake, GrammyGranny, this is 2023, not 1823! The days when 'having a child out of wedlock' brought shame on the family are long gone. That's a horrible thing to say.

Indeed. Not at all kind.

How childish and selfish! They need to get over themselves. My DH 's exW left him for someone else. It was very traumatic at the time. When his DS got married, even though there was still a lot of ill feeling, it was put aside for the day. My DH, his ex and new partner all sat at the top table. My DH was very upset and uncomfortable with this, but would never have let his DS know his true feelings. He got through the day and smiled at the appropriate times, even when the new partner was included in the photos. It took courage, but as he said, his DS's feelings were more important. You shouldn't be made to back off just because the in-laws are being selfish.

I had a friend who got married abroad. Her parents,weren't allowed as his parents didn't like flying. Very sad

Your answer should be NO. You would not be OK if you were not invited. You would be upset. Tell it as it is.

Oh my goodness… these are exactly the times where adults revert to being children!!! How pathetic is this?

There are reasons for difficult divorces, I understand, but when it comes to weddings involving your children, can you not set aside your insecure, immature and low self esteem pride and let your son/dau have their day? Get over it.

Each parent can go home early if they must, but make an appearance to the ceremony and/or breakfast - everyone! Get over it. The day is not about you! (I’m speaking to those unreasonable parents. And, if one set of parents stay home out of spite because they can’t own up to it, it’s liable to cause hard feelings in the future throwing guilt trips onto the newlyweds. For the 3rd time - get over it!)

Newbiedoobie - I wish you lived closer so you could attend. And should. But, if he’s your ONLY son or ONLY child - I would NOT miss the nuptials! I hope it all works out.

Cheers!
USA Gundy

Cannot believe your son has actually asked this of you. Is it his request or has it come from his wife to be?
Seems to me the problem the fiance has with her parents has nothing to do with you and your husband. You two should be invited and attend regardless of whatever her parents decide between themselves, not your problem.
Perhaps you could say this (more tactfully) to your son and his partner and see what he says. In the end you can only go to the wedding if invited and if the problem is with son's partner you obviously don't want to cause problems between them so will have to do whatever they suggest however distressing.

_ It would need checking _but I understand that a wedding as a public affair and anyone can attend in a church, so you could go to the ceremony.

Wow so the parents of the bride cannot behave like grownups for a few hours - and so you cannot go to the wedding either. Words fail me! Seems the brides's father is the one laying down conditions so he should be the one to stay away whilst you two and the bride's mothers attend. How on earth would the bride's mum attending prevent them getting married? Their logic makes no sense at all and its extremely unfair.

My husband has three sons and a daughter from his first wife. His ex wife was unfaithful and walked away from the marriage, but always behaves as though she was the wronged party.

When we got married DH’s ex tried to persuade my step daughter to disrupt the wedding and insist that she wouldn’t go if her brother’s girlfriend attended. We knew that my youngest stepson would not attend if his girlfriend (who had done nothing wrong) could not go.

We said to my stepdaughter “we dearly want you to come on our special day and join our celebrations, but we want your brother to come too, so his girlfriend will be invited. We hope you will come.” Fortunately, she decided to come, but I completely get how difficult the politics of weddings can be. I do hope that everyone has time to reflect and has a change of heart, but either way, I am afraid that you will have to go with their wishes as hard as they seem. Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

People often confuse equal treatment with fairness.

I think it is extremely unfair that you have been asked not to attend, just because other people are behaving like naughty children.

However, as others have said, if it is going to cause lots of stress to your son and his partner, they will probably appreciate you going along with this without making a big thing of it. Hopefully, they will remember how thoughtful and unselfish you have been, unlike the other parties involved.

What a horrible situation.
Assuming they are paying for it, it is up to them to invite who they want, but if my child did this to me, I would be incredibly hurt and it would certainly change our relationship.

As a PP said, would his bride expect her parents to miss out if the situation was the other way round?

This is just my opinion; the bride's father has said "I won't come if she and her husband are there" ok don't come.
No one else has any problems.
What I don't understand is why the bride's parents' issues have anything to do with your going to your son's wedding.
We had a similar issue at my daughter's wedding. A close family friend categorically stated that she would not come to the wedding if any other members of her family were invited. I said ok sorry you feel that way but don't come.
I do not agree with people being allowed to dictate who is or who is not invited to events.