I don't want to go to this party

It's a tough one, Emilie but yes, I think I would go.

But even if I stay away from all the visits my ex has now planned for our son and family and friends
Why has he taken over all the planning of visits? Is your son happy with this? Is everyone else.

You sound like a very kind person and have obviously sheltered your son from the fall-out of your divorce but he's nearly 40, not a vulnerable teenager. You could have a chat with him, explain you don't always feel that comfortable around his father and yet another new partner so you might just not go on some of the trips.

If your ex starts being bombastic at the dinner table, let him get on with it, sit with you DH so you can squeeze each others' hands, and 🙄! People will surely have realised by now that he's full of boasting and hot air and will know you have moved on to a happier relationship.

Good luck.

Yes, as Callistemon21 says, you are the lucky one with a long-lasting happy relationship ❤️

First of all I would explain to my son privately how I was feeling and how it would evoke memories. He is a big boy now and should understand. Secondly, I would go and get my hair done, great make up, put on your best glad rags, and go for a short while, but with style and swagger, apologising for having to leave early but you have other commitments i.e. looking after a friend's dog. Keep the conversation superficial and try to talk to unrelated people smiling wherever possible, then leave. You are not responsible for other people's behaviour and why should you let the mistakes of a former partner impact on the wonderful you you are now. Don't they say that the best revenge is to lead a good and beautiful life. Good luck!

It's a difficult situation for you. If you decide to go for your son, definitely stay as far away from your exh as possible. If he tries to monopolise the talk, quietly have a different conversation with your partner or get up and leave for a while. If he has taken over plans for the weekend, just turn them down. You are not obliged to do what he wants. Make alternative plans and tell your son what you will do, not your exh. If you choose not to go, you really have to tell your son some of the truth, bearing in mind if he's obviously looking forward to you being there. Don't ask him to choose between you but explain some of what you said in your OP. I've been in a similar situation at my daughter's wedding. I held my head high and throughout the process I assured my daughter that of course I was fine with her dad coming. I bit my lip often. On the day, it went well and I was gracious and polite. If you can be either, you are the winner.

It's a shame you are dreading the party and bad memories are resurfacing.
Your ex's behaviour sound rather pathetic, to be honest. I suppose he brags about his former status to keep his end up in front of friends and family.

For your son's sake I hope you'll find the strength to go. On this occasion being part of a larger group could give some protection from your ex's annoying habits.

Please try not to brood too much beforehand. A stiff drink can help.

For your son's sake and for the sake of your good relationship with your son I would go. It will be very hard to face it I'm sure but your son will be so hurt if you are not there. He booked the place having no idea of how awful the memories would be for you as he was only 3 when you split up. I wouldn't give your ex the satisfaction of knowing how upset you will feel by the place and especially his presence. Choose something to wear you feel at your best and comfortable in, put on a smile and keep as far away from your ex as possible. 💐

I hope you'll go and won't let your ex upset you or your DH.
Probably everyone can see through your ex and his boasting but they tolerate it because it doesn't affect them so much.
Don't get upset, but you could be ready with a very quiet "recollections may vary" type remark but best not to react and spoil your son's celebrations.

I personally could not and would not put myself through this. It is just too much. Maybe if it was attending a party for a few hours and then home that would be okay but all this playing happy families, with your ex showing off, for a weekend would not be for me I would either explain your real reasons for not attending to your son or, as someone suggested, say you’ve tested positive for Covid.

I'd go but have a get-out clause ready.

Let me suggest a simple, and possibly unethical solution. Stock up for a really nice weekend at home, then ring your son a couple of hours bfore the event and say you have gone down with some bug, feel absolutely awful and cannot come.

Then hunkerdown at home, do not go out, curl up with a good book or DVDs or whatever rows your boat and order in takeaways.

I suggested similar myself Monica, but I wouldn’t be comfortable lying to my hypothetical son.

Well, I said it was an unethical solution.

It's only a birthday party, not a wedding! Just tell your son it really isn't your scene, wish him a lovely time and send him a nice present (or money, if you can) to help him celebrate.

How do offspring manage not to actually know their parents?

You may find if you go that it’s not as bad as you think. Sometimes we build up demons inside us and when we do face them they are not as difficult to overcome as we thought.

I am another one who says it's only a party, you don't have to go. I want to add that your feelings are just as important as your sons.

Callistemon21

I hope you'll go and won't let your ex upset you or your DH.
Probably everyone can see through your ex and his boasting but they tolerate it because it doesn't affect them so much.
Don't get upset, but you could be ready with a very quiet "recollections may vary" type remark but best not to react and spoil your son's celebrations.

I agree with Callistemon21 I think you should go for part of the weekend at least to celebrate your son's birthday.

Maybe have a quiet word with your ex? Remind him that it wasn’t all sunshine and roses…and ask him to keep his head down and let your son steal the limelight.

Oh dear, a rock and a hard place.

I think I would go don't let your ex stop you celebrating your sons birthday, You have your partner for support and know the truth of the situation.
Your ex sounds like an unhappy insecure person, I shouldn't think a new girlfriend would be impressed seeing what he lost!!!!
If you do find it unbearable you could always make an excuse and leave early

In spite of ( or maybe because of!) there being different views here, this is all really helpful. I think it has been getting to me more because it will be a whole weekend we are talking about, not just the party itself.

You have given me lots to think about. I will consider carefully, let it all sink in, and hopefully soon be in a better position to consider what to do (or what not to do ) for the best - for myself and other people.
I do really appreciate your time, advice and support.

sodapop

Callistemon21

I hope you'll go and won't let your ex upset you or your DH.
Probably everyone can see through your ex and his boasting but they tolerate it because it doesn't affect them so much.
Don't get upset, but you could be ready with a very quiet "recollections may vary" type remark but best not to react and spoil your son's celebrations.

I agree with Callistemon21 I think you should go for part of the weekend at least to celebrate your son's birthday.

I too agree with Callistemon, be the bigger person, and rest assured, many others will have seen through the shallow boasts and bombastic behaviour of your exh. You are obviously a kind and caring person, so your son will listen when you tell him of your concerns, but do share with him the good bits of his childhood, the bits not overshadowed by his Father's behaviour. Ask him too that your partner of 18 years is included, and be unfailingly polite and gracious to your ExH and his current partner. You can do this, do it for your son, his friends, your partner, your self esteem; don't let one pathetic man hanging on to his past glory days spoil it for you and everyone else.

I think a diplomatic illness is indicated!

In your place, I would say nothing right now, but ring my son the day before his birthday and tell him, crying if you can manage it, that I had come down with the flu and simply were too unwell to go anywhere.

grandtanteJE65

I think a diplomatic illness is indicated!

In your place, I would say nothing right now, but ring my son the day before his birthday and tell him, crying if you can manage it, that I had come down with the flu and simply were too unwell to go anywhere.

Sorry, I don't agree that this is the way to go. The poster will have lied to her son, missed seeing friends and family, given the exH pride of place as only parent present, and will sit at home wondering what is happening. No, gather yourself, you are better than him, go and be gracious, be kind, be with your son.

grandtanteJE65

I think a diplomatic illness is indicated!

In your place, I would say nothing right now, but ring my son the day before his birthday and tell him, crying if you can manage it, that I had come down with the flu and simply were too unwell to go anywhere.

No, I don't agree either.

I couldn't do that to my son when he would be so looking forward to his birthday celebrations. Better to make sure you and your DH both go looking your very best, plaster a smile on your face and be the better person (people).

Poppyred

Maybe have a quiet word with your ex? Remind him that it wasn’t all sunshine and roses…and ask him to keep his head down and let your son steal the limelight.

Yes - I agree Poppyred

Just quietly tell him "It's not all about you this weekend"