I don't want to go to this party

Having had a difficult exh, I would not be sitting down talking to him or telling him gently it wasn't about him. If anything like my ex, he would take delight in creating drama, accusing me of being bitter and saying it wasn't about me. I hope you get the situation resolved satisfactorily OP.

I’m wondering how you know that your ex is planning a ‘boasting tour’, or is it that you imagine that’s what will happen? Could you go for the party, but just excuse yourself from the tours? I’d be inclined to just say to my son beforehand that I’d rather avoid the unhappy memories, and concentrate on the party.

I like to think that I’ve moved on from my divorce of twenty years ago but every so often something will trigger a memory of the time when my marriage was falling apart and I find it very upsetting. I still live in the same house so it doesn’t apply to me but if I had to go back to the place where it happened I don’t know how I’d react. People do seem to make a big thing of fortieth birthdays these daysDD and SIL had huge parties and my DIL arranged a surprise party for my son. I don’t really know what the answer is but I do understand your dilemma.

If he was the kind of man that responded to approaches like that, they probably wouldn't be divorced.

Your ex sounds like a rather sad person.. and you have clearly made a strong relationship with a much nicer man. I would revel in that knowledge.. people are not stupid and will see how content you are, and not be impressed by your ex's empty boasts.. As others have said just feel confidence in yourself and the choices you have made and enjoy them. I'm sure your son is really proud of you..

Yes grandmabatty, I have also been called ‘bitter’ not only by my Ex but by my daughter/d.I.l. as well, because at first, I refused to attend any family event at which he and his new wife attended. Over the years, I have got better and will ‘tolerate’ them.
P.S. I have not remarried or have a partner.

I agree with FannyCornworth and Baggs. You don't want to go. It would upset you and no doubt your partner too.
I would tell your son you will not be going and would very much like him come to your house for a nice meal and birthday cake. No need to go into details as to why you prefer not to go.
If pressed you could just say there are unhappy memories associated with the area because that's where your marriage broke down so you'd really prefer to celebrate his birthday quietly at home.

Emilie321 I have sent you a pm.

Grandmabatty

Having had a difficult exh, I would not be sitting down talking to him or telling him gently it wasn't about him. If anything like my ex, he would take delight in creating drama, accusing me of being bitter and saying it wasn't about me. I hope you get the situation resolved satisfactorily OP.

He wouldn't be very popular if he tries that (I do know the sort you mean, though GrandmaBatty) because he would ruin his son's birthday weekend.

CocoPops

I agree with FannyCornworth and Baggs. You don't want to go. It would upset you and no doubt your partner too.
I would tell your son you will not be going and would very much like him come to your house for a nice meal and birthday cake. No need to go into details as to why you prefer not to go.
If pressed you could just say there are unhappy memories associated with the area because that's where your marriage broke down so you'd really prefer to celebrate his birthday quietly at home.

I do disagree.

It would prove he is still in control, still able to upset Emelie after 37 years.

Sorry, I would not let him continue to ruin my life especially if it was my son's special occasion which he is so looking forward to.
It's a long time ago. Except that my ex husband is keen to show off to another new girlfriend, as well as our son, what he still sees as the enviable house he was able to afford as a successful young businessman (in mid life he made a lot of unwise decisions and lost everything) and all the places nearby he associates with that success

it's a long time ago* You have moved on, Emilie and found a lovely partner
another new girlfriend oh, another one! Did the others flee when they found out what he's really like?
the house well, he lost it all, didn't he!

Sorry, you're better off now and he is to be pitied, really. That's why he tries to make himself seem important.
His importance this weekend is as the father of his son, nothing more.

Such a difficult situation, but here is my advice. Make yourself look fabulous and get started now. Turn up looking glamorous and sophisticated, beautifully dressed and groomed and be gracious and charming to everyone. Please don't let bad memories and events from the past affect your life now. Go to the party and have a wonderful time.

Callistemon21

I hope you'll go and won't let your ex upset you or your DH.
Probably everyone can see through your ex and his boasting but they tolerate it because it doesn't affect them so much.
Don't get upset, but you could be ready with a very quiet "recollections may vary" type remark but best not to react and spoil your son's celebrations.

This ^

Our daughter cherish us at their celebrations, we know that so we attend, tedious or not. I'm always ready with a new conversation to quit disturbing talk. I don't interrupt /take over, I gently change subjects.

Maybe that would work for you?

I’m no party animal but my son is more important to me than an ex husband, your ex seems a bit of an idiot to be honest, I would go simply to make my son happy! It’s his party. I certainly wouldn’t be making out I was iLL. Why would you lie!. I also wouldn’t be telling my son about the unhappy times I had, he’s forty years old, you have moved on. That’s what I would do but we are all different. Good luck with the decision and hope your son has a lovely birthday

I think that sometimes thinking about an event too much blows things out of proportion. I think in your shoes I would grin and bear it, avoiding your ex as much as possible. Any actual trips down memory lane can be avoided by a headache or sore foot.

I would suggest going for the weekend but rediscovering 'lost friends' in the area so that you have excuses to be absent during some of the time.There is nothing you can do to stop your ex-husband's boasting but you are prepared, so think hard about your son's pleasure and grit your teeth.
You may find your son remembers more about his father than you realize and while he wants to create the illusion of a happy family he is aware of his father's failings and what you have done for him. This is the case with my children and took me by (gratified ) surprise.

I would go. You have a happy relationship of 18 years. That is what you want to display. So what if he wants to dominate the conversations, the other guests will know what he is like. I would make sure you look really happy and that will override anything else. Go and laugh and smile affectionately at your partner. Happiness is what matters not money.

Just to add that I am extremely sympathetic; your ex sounds like mine, loves boasting, showing off and putting others down and nothing you do, or do not do, will make any difference. There is a chance the new girlfriend may not be so impressed.
If you get through the weekend unscathed and it appears a great success and your son thinks it would be a great idea to repeat it, that would be the time to fill him in with a few home truths about his father.

I would definitely go. This landmark birthday will not come again. I think NotSpaghetti on page 1 hit the nail on the head. Compile a 'Memory Book' of these early years for him to mark the occasion. Include any photos, where they were taken, the lovely places you took him and what fun you had. Don't exclude your first husband from that. He is, after all, his biological father for all his faults. If you have a photo of the three of you, with him as a baby, include it. This will show your ex you have moved on even if he hasn't. Present it to your son explaining how important those early times with him were and how proud you are to have seen him grow from that baby/toddler to the fine upstanding man he is today and how privileged you feel to have been part of his life. Your ex won't be able to top that.
Go and enjoy!