I don't want to go to this party

Maybe have a quiet word with your ex? Remind him that it wasn’t all sunshine and roses…and ask him to keep his head down and let your son steal the limelight.

Callistemon21

I hope you'll go and won't let your ex upset you or your DH.
Probably everyone can see through your ex and his boasting but they tolerate it because it doesn't affect them so much.
Don't get upset, but you could be ready with a very quiet "recollections may vary" type remark but best not to react and spoil your son's celebrations.

I agree with Callistemon21 I think you should go for part of the weekend at least to celebrate your son's birthday.

I am another one who says it's only a party, you don't have to go. I want to add that your feelings are just as important as your sons.

You may find if you go that it’s not as bad as you think. Sometimes we build up demons inside us and when we do face them they are not as difficult to overcome as we thought.

How do offspring manage not to actually know their parents?

It's only a birthday party, not a wedding! Just tell your son it really isn't your scene, wish him a lovely time and send him a nice present (or money, if you can) to help him celebrate.

Well, I said it was an unethical solution.

I suggested similar myself Monica, but I wouldn’t be comfortable lying to my hypothetical son.

Let me suggest a simple, and possibly unethical solution. Stock up for a really nice weekend at home, then ring your son a couple of hours bfore the event and say you have gone down with some bug, feel absolutely awful and cannot come.

Then hunkerdown at home, do not go out, curl up with a good book or DVDs or whatever rows your boat and order in takeaways.

I'd go but have a get-out clause ready.

I personally could not and would not put myself through this. It is just too much. Maybe if it was attending a party for a few hours and then home that would be okay but all this playing happy families, with your ex showing off, for a weekend would not be for me I would either explain your real reasons for not attending to your son or, as someone suggested, say you’ve tested positive for Covid.

I hope you'll go and won't let your ex upset you or your DH.
Probably everyone can see through your ex and his boasting but they tolerate it because it doesn't affect them so much.
Don't get upset, but you could be ready with a very quiet "recollections may vary" type remark but best not to react and spoil your son's celebrations.

For your son's sake and for the sake of your good relationship with your son I would go. It will be very hard to face it I'm sure but your son will be so hurt if you are not there. He booked the place having no idea of how awful the memories would be for you as he was only 3 when you split up. I wouldn't give your ex the satisfaction of knowing how upset you will feel by the place and especially his presence. Choose something to wear you feel at your best and comfortable in, put on a smile and keep as far away from your ex as possible. 💐

It's a shame you are dreading the party and bad memories are resurfacing.
Your ex's behaviour sound rather pathetic, to be honest. I suppose he brags about his former status to keep his end up in front of friends and family.

For your son's sake I hope you'll find the strength to go. On this occasion being part of a larger group could give some protection from your ex's annoying habits.

Please try not to brood too much beforehand. A stiff drink can help.

It's a difficult situation for you. If you decide to go for your son, definitely stay as far away from your exh as possible. If he tries to monopolise the talk, quietly have a different conversation with your partner or get up and leave for a while. If he has taken over plans for the weekend, just turn them down. You are not obliged to do what he wants. Make alternative plans and tell your son what you will do, not your exh. If you choose not to go, you really have to tell your son some of the truth, bearing in mind if he's obviously looking forward to you being there. Don't ask him to choose between you but explain some of what you said in your OP. I've been in a similar situation at my daughter's wedding. I held my head high and throughout the process I assured my daughter that of course I was fine with her dad coming. I bit my lip often. On the day, it went well and I was gracious and polite. If you can be either, you are the winner.

First of all I would explain to my son privately how I was feeling and how it would evoke memories. He is a big boy now and should understand. Secondly, I would go and get my hair done, great make up, put on your best glad rags, and go for a short while, but with style and swagger, apologising for having to leave early but you have other commitments i.e. looking after a friend's dog. Keep the conversation superficial and try to talk to unrelated people smiling wherever possible, then leave. You are not responsible for other people's behaviour and why should you let the mistakes of a former partner impact on the wonderful you you are now. Don't they say that the best revenge is to lead a good and beautiful life. Good luck!

Yes, as Callistemon21 says, you are the lucky one with a long-lasting happy relationship ❤️

It's a tough one, Emilie but yes, I think I would go.

But even if I stay away from all the visits my ex has now planned for our son and family and friends
Why has he taken over all the planning of visits? Is your son happy with this? Is everyone else.

You sound like a very kind person and have obviously sheltered your son from the fall-out of your divorce but he's nearly 40, not a vulnerable teenager. You could have a chat with him, explain you don't always feel that comfortable around his father and yet another new partner so you might just not go on some of the trips.

If your ex starts being bombastic at the dinner table, let him get on with it, sit with you DH so you can squeeze each others' hands, and 🙄! People will surely have realised by now that he's full of boasting and hot air and will know you have moved on to a happier relationship.

Good luck.

I was faced with a similar situation for a wedding. I did go, I felt uncomfortable at moments but got through it. Do go, you will spoil it for your son if you dont

I was fac

Emelie If you feel as bad as you say about going, then don't go. Explain truthfully to your son why, you can celebrate your son's birthday together with your H another day and have a nice, relaxed & happy time together.

I meet up often with my ex's family, we have been friends for 45yrs now, going on holidays together, celebrating birthdays, Xmas, Easter etc. But my ex lives in Indonesia and on the rare times he comes over I don't attend any family gatherings. The words out that he may come back to UK for good this year, if that happens, I will only see my prev. in-laws when they come down to my & my AC's area. Although we are already planning a trip to Holland for my DD 40th birthday this year together, where my DD grew up till 11yrs and went to Dutch school with her brother & sister.

Sometimes you have to let someone else be upset to cope with what upsets you. Your son can choose not to be upset that you have bad memories of your marriage to his father. You do not have that choice.

Why are people so worried about upsetting their adult offspring as if they were unreasonable children?

I am just wondering if the deep countryside couldn't be useful, a long walk at some point?, it sounds a big enough place to keep away from your ex husband except maybe at mealtimes, when you could sit well away from him. Maybe you could just say to your son that you are a bit nervous about such a big gathering but not mention his early childhood. I would have thought with such a big party everybody won't disappear to view the past and you might get some chats to your sons friends.

notgran

It must be me but telling your son just before a birthday celebration how horrible your life was while he was a child, does not seem to me the best idea.

I think you don't need to say it was horrible because obviously it wasn't all horrible but maybe you could put your reticence in some context.
Probably a lot of the joys of that time were related to him. That is definitely something to be celebrating.

If it’s just a party then back home I would go, but I would think twice if it involved the whole day or an overnight stay.