Wife refuses to cook

Fleurpepper

A friend was married to a man who chose to do all the cooking- and it suited them both. Then he became ill and was not able to do it- so she had to. For weeks he sat there tell her 'do it like this, no, not like that, etc'. As he was ill, she took deep breaths and got on with it. One day, she blew her top and said 'if I cook, I cook, I don't want or need your advice. And if you don't like it, your problem not mine'.

She waited far too long to say it imho, but ...

Again many unkind comments above. In a relationship, why should anyone just say 'don't like it' and refuse to share chores. Discuss it, and find a compromise of sorts. What will she do that you don't like doing, that will compensate.

It takes two to tango, and just because you like cooking, and she doesn't, does NOT mean it is automatically all up to you, day in, day out.

Like I've said, she will gladly tell anyone she's a great cook and how this is "her" kitchen yet in still the only spices she chooses to use are salt, pepper, or simple Lawry's seasoning on everything.

My wife made a dish for her job's pot luck a few years back. It was some sort of corn casserole. I come in from work and walked in on her with the whole kernel corn in the bowl of my Kitchenaid mixer with the whisk attachment installed. When I asked her what she was doing she said she had to puree it and the directions called for her to use a blender or food processor but she just wanted to use the mixer. When I showed her on the counter less than 2 feet away that we had both a food processor and a mixer she didn't even know there were there.

Yes, I like to cook. I love tastes, flavors, etc. But that doesn't mean I want to be the only cook in the house.

The other Sunday she did fry pork chops and when she brought my plate it was full of grease. Why? Because she took the pork chops straight out of the deep fryer and put it right on my plate. She didn't allow then to rest on a paper towel to drain. So now everything else on the plate was saturated in grease. Along with that she pulled a frozen bag of peas out of the freezer and put them in a pot with no water. When she cooked them they were hard and rubbery. She didn't think to put any water in them.

This is what I have to deal with. Again, if you ask her if she's a good cook she will tell you yes. That's like saying you're a great driver but always getting into wrecks.

So your wife cooks occasionally but not to your standards- drop it before it becomes a bigger marital problem than it is right now

Many people think they are great cooks, drivers, artists, etc, and other people do not agree
No big deal.

Yes, you are lecturing her
She has been cutting onions her way for decades, she doesn't need mansplaining how to do it

You even dissect what spices she uses! Jeez, give her a break.
I would have told you off a long time ago

Yes, you want your home to mimic the one you grew up with, with the kind of dishes you are used to

Yes, the FB seems excessive but a way to escape from this hostility?

This doesn't sound a good marriage to me, with so much constant conflict
You need to worry more how to make your marriage work and less what you want her to cook for you, your way

Cooking frozen peas without water would make them burn, not be hard and rubbery. Why fry pork chops in a deep fat fryer? I can’t believe your wife is as totally clueless and unobservant as you’re saying. As I asked before, what do you cook? Give us some examples.

You want her to cook but then criticise what she cooks.

I'd still keep an eye on that knife ........
Just saying.

You are coming across as hyper-critical, 4thtwin. It seems everything your wife does she does wrong or not good enough. If the reality is how it seems to be coming across in these posts, then I suspect she has just given up and is depressed. So here's something else you could do: stop nagging.

4thtwin You obviously have far more interest than your wife - I agree with the others, find something she can do instead (and leave her to get on with it) and you manage the cooking.

Also as someone else said - relationships change, people change, you have to recognize it and adapt. You may not feel like you are lecturing her but it probably feels like it to her. Time to get your heads together and talk about what you both want.

I don't think you are going to get the response you are hoping for OP.
If you take it in turns to provide meals and her "turn" is a tuna sandwich or a takeaway, so be it.
Has it ever occurred to you that she genuinely DOES NOT LIKE COOKING (sorry about the shouting capitals) and especially not for someone as self righteous and critical as you sound.
You come across as hypercritical and, frankly, controlling. There is no great virtue in cooking - food is food and those of us who enjoy it also enjoy expressing our love or friendship by providing it.
It's not the only way however.
As others have said, this is not about cooking is it?

I see that you have not posted before. Are you quite sure that this, your first very long and detailed venture into posting on gransnet, is not a tongue-in-cheek wind-up?
You may well have it in a nutshell!
That's certainly 15 minutes of my life I won't get back!

I have read your posts twice now looking for something positive so I could give a kind and considered response.
You see it was a NY resolution of mine to be kinder.

Have you ever considered your wife is unhappy?
You come across as a pedantic control freak.

Also whilst I’m being harsh you really drone on and on, it’s tedious.

Find a good local takeaway and a cleaner.

Wife refuses to cook

Well, shock horror!

Yes well, my husband cooked and loved it when we met and through most of our married life.

Now due to poor health he doesn't - even although he could do so occasionally and has said he wants to.

So far my attempts to suggest he should cook once a week or a fortnight have met with no success.

I have come to the conclusion that nagging him about it will only do harm, and as I can cook I do, and ask neither for his help cooking, washing up or shopping.

He does still shop when he feels up to it.

I leave the tasks I cannot do - repairs that require the use of tools, adjusting my bike brakes etc. I may later on have to learn to do them, but right now I wait for him to have a good day and tackle them.

I suggest you do the same.

I realise it doesn't seem fair, but life ain't always fair.

And honestly if my husband complained about the way I held a knife, sliced anything etc. as you apparently do, I would tell him he could b. well cook for himself, or otherwise clear out of the kitchen and leave me to it. It doesn't surprise me if this is your typical attitude that your wife has gone on strike.

So accept the way your marriage is now and probably will be, or sue for divorce if you really cannot live with her as the woman she has matured into.

If you still love each other it seems stupid to break up a good marriage over cooking or cleaning. If you don't love her any more, then you are probably better of, both of you, if you end the marriage now.

I have asked twice what dishes the OP cooks. No response. I would expect such an expert cook, with all the spices he apparently has (but doesn’t name and criticises his wife for not using) to reel off a list of his delicious specialities. The only dishes he mentions are the ones his wife messes up.

You want home cooked food. She's not bothered. Do your own cooking.

eazybee

*Wife refuses to cook*

Well, shock horror!

It's my NY resolution.

Better late than never 🙂

Germanshepherdsmum

Cooking frozen peas without water would make them burn, not be hard and rubbery. Why fry pork chops in a deep fat fryer? I can’t believe your wife is as totally clueless and unobservant as you’re saying. As I asked before, what do you cook? Give us some examples.

No, she didn't burn them but when they started to with and shrivel that's when she turned off the pot.

That went well sago

I m afraid I m with the majority on here I like a simple life

You like cooking, you love incorporating spices and making it appetising Your wife doesn’t like cooking OR has she over the years had so much criticism and you ‘don’t do it this way’ that mentally she’s given up and thinking well I can’t get it right so he can do it himself
Think about that because I can assure you I don’t enjoy cooking and if I made an effort and then had it criticised I d say to myself well blow that he can do it himself

And those other questions I asked … ?

Thank you for coming back 4thwin
I read that you love her which is good but somewhere along the way things have become a bit strained and difficult.

Did she play Bingo on her phone when you had children living with you or is this and Facebook relatively new? Did she cook when you still had family at home?

It sounds to me that the relationship has got a bit stuck in a rut and maybe you could seek some help and support. The cooking is just one part.
And you say she finds things about you to complain about... are you addressing those things?

If this is to be improved it may take more than cooking I feel.

Ditto BlueBelle.

Op

If you feel the dust bothers you, you can also clean than yourself.

Apart from the cooking, your house chores are very much traditionally male oriented

So yes, chauvinism is very much present here

Callistemon21

I've managed to get out of doing the ironing for years, eazybee by just not doing it up to DH' s standards, so he does it all now 😃

is your wife on gransnet too?........ if not how did you find the site?

Callistemon21

You want her to cook but then criticise what she cooks.

I'd still keep an eye on that knife ........
Just saying.

It's amazing she's still there to use a knife.. I know where I'd be..

4thtwin, as others have commented, this isn't just about cooking is it? There are other issues, her seeming addiction to Facebook and bingo, not doing much about the house etc. Sounds like you need to go out to a restaurant for a meal that neither of you have cooked and have a good old chat about the state of your marriage and whether there is any more life in it. If she can't agree to do 50% of the chores then you have to accept it or review your options.