Stuck in relationship with distant man

LaCrepescule age is irrelevant if you haven't come across a man like this before. I felt the same, how can an old feminist like me be taken in.......

He sounds narcissistic.. Be VERY wary, this will not have a happy outcome in my opinion.. as others have said it is a big red flag this hot/cold behaviour

Why/how do people get themselves in these predicaments? I would definitely call a halt. Life is too short.

Adding my voice to agree with the others.
Your daughter doesn’t like him either and she knows him, clearly you are unhappy, it’s up to you to decide what you must do. Good luck.

I agree with all the good advice about leaving, and getting this burden off your shoulders.
One thing, as you have been together so long, you may have included him in your will, if so make sure you amend it and remove his name.
Good Luck and have a rosy future

Run for the hills as quick as you can 🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️

I think you are a convenient tool for him to massage his ego as and when he wants.
Get out now, move on and start living your life your way.

You could end up having to nurse him, whilst he tries to control you, what then. Just call it a day millions of people live on their own and you have a lovely concerned daughter.

Jaylou One thing, as you have been together so long, you may have included him in your will, if so make sure you amend it and remove his name.

OP has only been with him for 16 months.

You are not "stuck" with him - you have agency, you have choice.

You are choosing to stay with him out of fear of being alone. I can understand that fear, but need it be quelled at such high cost?

Gather up your self-esteem, remember the "contented independent woman" you were and invite her back in. You can do it.

Oldbat1

Why/how do people get themselves in these predicaments? I would definitely call a halt. Life is too short.

Things happen and before you know it you are stuck in something and before long you think - how the hell did I get here?

Lucky you if this has never happened to you.

In your position, I would first, without any comment to him, make sure you have nothing of yours in his home which would give him an excuse to contact you. Then parcel up anything of his in your home and send it back to him by Recorded Delivery along with the engagement ring. Within the parcel send a letter saying the engagement and friendship is over as you have changed your mind and not to contact you again. This part of your message was so interesting "I’m feeling more and more unhappy and all attempts at communicating my needs to him have failed. He always ends up telling me I’m being emotional (of course I am!) and shuts down the conversation. Last night I was staying at his but ended up going home because I was getting the cold shoulder" He doesn't want to communicate with you about your needs. He tells you, you are emotional, well you must not be emotional. Be perfectly clear and unemotional, you don't need this toxic individual in your life. End of.

You are NOT stuck- go now before you do get stuck-

Run for the hills LeCrepescule or just hop on the bus Guss😌 and save yourself a lifetime of soul sapping, time wasting misery.

Throw this one back. You, re worth more.

Why are you dithering? ? Why ask strangers ?

You have all been so kind in giving me your opinions, which are all spot on. Luckygirl, you really seemed to understand my predicament and what I must do. And I’m glad I asked “strangers” Aggie; because you don’t seem like strangers to me. Gransnet is a community and I feel very much part of it 🙏🙏🙏 I must now really find the courage to end it. I’ve already moved all my stuff out of his house and returned the ring notgran. And clear and unemotional I must be!

Too many red flags here. I’m also 65 and am now in my 7th year of being single after being with someone - and married - for virtually 30 years. I have no children and am aware that as time goes by I may become frailer and in need of more help than I am now. I also know that had I still been married I wouldn’t have had the support and care of my then husband, as all he thought about was himself. I am very fortunate to have good friends and family members who care about me. I embrace my independence and have no intention of getting involved with another man again. In your shoes, I’d ask myself what exactly this relationship is doing for you. It’s also very easy for this man to look after you when you’re ill, but this may be a ‘pre-marriage’ act; things could very well change the minute you married him. I really value the much more peaceful life I have now.

Can you not just downgrade the relationship to a practical sort of platonic friendship where you exchange occasional useful services but without any emotional bonding?

Emotional bonding is dangerous without good reason to trust. Your friend does not make you happy but he may still be a good enough unemotional friend.

If you get ill he may be just the help you need. You don't have to be his lover or his wife to get practical help from him, or to help him. He has even said he likes being needed.

Walk away, there really is nothing more to add.

HousePlantQueen

Walk away, there really is nothing more to add.

This LeCrepuscule (it is 'le' not 'la' btw).

Bonne chance and courage.

You have all the answers you need, already, LaCrepescule - you’ve listed them in your posts on this thread. Listen to those answers, listen to your inner voice - move away from this person, who it seems to me is controlling you quite passive aggressively. You’re worth more than this.

Honestly, Caleo that's a dodgy road x (been there, done that)

Wyllow3

Honestly, Caleo that's a dodgy road x (been there, done that)

I think this is right. You sound like a lovely person, LaCrepescule; and therefore more vulnerable to being treated badly; thrown back into the water and then reeled in slightly every time you pull away; feeling it is your fault. It's good to see that you are ready to break it off, but I predict a HUGE effort on his part of reeling in when you try!

You will be much more content when you no longer have him in your life. I have had a very similar experience, and now feel much better being alone and responsible for myself. I live alone and have three long-term illnesses (Type 1 diabetes, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and depression; I've also had cancer twice) and many people have worse I know. Just imagine being dependent upon someone with no understanding of your feelings, no empathy and with this controlling aspect to their character; I can't imagine anything worse! Your daughter sounds supportive; perhaps she could listen to your fears of illness living on your own, and may have suggestions.

Free writing might help you. You sit down with a pen and paper and start writing without any care or preparation; just write whatever comes into your head. You can give yourself a time (a minute to start with?), and I think you will be amazed at what comes up from your unconscious self! Maybe try some meditation tracks (try Ihttps://insighttimer.com/ or www.youtube.com/results?search_query=daily+calm+10+minute+meditation; there are many other free ones online). Whatever it takes, regain some self-esteem; You're Worth It! Then make the break however you can.

You will need to be super firm about leaving; please don't be reeled in again! He will try expressions of love, deep apologies; saying he can't live without you when he sees he can't control you any more. Toss back his hook and line and swim away!