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I need to share

(35 Posts)
lincolnimp Sat 04-Feb-23 03:45:39

Just 12 days ago my son in law announced to us that he has Come out, and is divorcing our daughter.
This was a total shock, as we had no idea that their marriage of 16 years was not rock solid.
Apparently last summer he began to explore the feelings that he was bisexual, then at the beginning of January declared to our daughter that he was homosexual and would be divorcing her.
Like the absolute trooper that she is she kept all of this to herself until he was ready to tell us.
They have 2 children, who are being told later today. not only about the divorce but the reason why.
He holds a very public position, and an announcement was made earlier this week. They will continue to live together for the time being, until he moves away.

I am so proud of my daughter, but I know that she will crack at some time.
She is making plans, looking for a house and a job, keeping life normal for the children because----as she says----she has no choice.
He is full of excitement at the prospect of a new life----being himself.

I am struggling because I really like him.
I am grieving for the life we. and my daughter thought was ahead.
He is a good parent to the children, and has been a good husband.

I think the thing that I find hardest is that he has made all the choices, he will be moving away, starting his new life, full of excitement at the possibilities ahead, and says that he is grateful to my daughter for being so gracious!!!

She has no choice .
She isn't a doormat, she is a strong woman who doesn't want to cause any more upset, especially for the children.
She wants them to keep a good relationship with their father, and we will support her all the way
Sorry for the ramble, middle of yet another night when I can't sleep

MayBee70 Sat 04-Feb-23 04:43:28

Oh how sad. Your daughter has held herself together for the sake of her children but as you said, she will crack at some point ( I always think of Eleanor Rigby when things like this happen). I do think that men see relationships in a different way: when my husband left us he said it was between him and me and the children had nothing to do with it: he couldn’t understand that it would affect them. And you’re having to be brave, too, and maintain a civil relationship with him even though I bet you’re seething inside. I remember lying awake night after night when my son was in a relationship that was falling apart. Children these days are very accepting of situations like this: I hope your grandchildren take it well flowers x

BlueBelle Sat 04-Feb-23 05:05:09

What a dreadful blow for you all, all I can think is that it would have been exactly the same if he had met a new woman to excitedly go off and start a new life with, wouldn t it?

Your wonderful levelheaded daughter and mum to your grandkids has done everything right for the children
It’s been a big blow to you all and you are all doing the right thing It’s been a shock and you need to regroup your thoughts which will not be quick or easy I hope you have a close friend or friends that -you- can share your hurt and upset with.outside the close knit family

Its sad that he felt the need to do all this so quickly …..I ve changed, I m going, I m publicly announcing it, I m divorcing seemingly in one move with no clues or signs leading up to this huge, huge change in everyone’s lives it feels very selfish, however nice he is.

There’s nothing I can say except I m so sorry for your situation you sound such a lovely (sensible) family you will get through this but it’s a huge shock for you all at the moment

AussieGran59 Sat 04-Feb-23 05:53:37

I am so sorry. There’s nothing I can say because BlueBelle said it so well.
You do sound like a sensible and strong family and I wish you all the bestflowers

LRavenscroft Sat 04-Feb-23 07:09:29

I am so sorry to read of your situation. It must be very hard for all of you and I do feel your writing in the middle of the night turning it over and over. However, the dawn does come and, as hard as it is now for everyone, at least it is in the open. Your daughter sounds an amazing lady and you sound like a wonderful family. The ball now lies in the court of your son in law when it comes to maintenance and if there is another person on the scene. Courage to your daughter, grandchildren and you that all will be sorted properly for a good outcome.

Calendargirl Sat 04-Feb-23 07:28:05

middle of yet another night when I can’t sleep

Yes, that’s when everything seems so much worse somehow, doesn’t it?

Easy to say, but you will all get through this, awful and life changing though it seems now.

Thinking of you all.

ronib Sat 04-Feb-23 07:49:00

lincolnimp I wonder if your soon to be ex son in law found life very constraining during the enforced Covid isolation period? Or did he suffer any kind of unexpected bereavement which he could not process?

If it’s any consolation, probably not, but about 40 per cent of marriages end in divorce. Second marriages are common so not everyone is completely put off by a bruising experience. It’s part and parcel of modern living from what I can tell. Maybe in the future, your own daughter will be content and your grandchildren will have found their unique way through this. This is sad for you and you need to be strong for your daughter and grandchildren, they need you as a constant in a time of flux.

Katie59 Sat 04-Feb-23 08:14:52

It works the other way too a man I know went home unexpectedly only to find his wife in bed with a girlfriend, this was 20 yrs ago and a big scandal ensued. Today being gay is accepted by most, it’s still sad that a relationship breaks up, it happens so often for all sorts of reasons.

nanna8 Sat 04-Feb-23 09:14:25

You will be there for your daughter and grandchildren ,lincolnimp and that is the main thing. I hope the father doesn’t cut his children off as sometimes can happen. Your daughter sounds super strong but as you say she will need a lot of support in the future. It is an awful shock for you all being so sudden but as time goes on hopefully things will improve as you all come to terms with the situation. All good wishes to you all. 🌺

crazyH Sat 04-Feb-23 09:25:21

How sad - but your daughter appears to be very strong and life will go on. Children adapt very quick. Be there for them and your super daughter. I hope the father continues to maintain a good relationship with the children and that you will all weather this storm. flowers

Shelflife Sat 04-Feb-23 11:15:01

All I can do is wish you all well, this must have been a huge shock to you. However your daughter seems a strong woman who will ease her children through this situation, the children have her and your daughter has you. You are a sensible family and together you will get through this and
' all will be well' Your SIL is a good father and the children will maintain their relationship with him.
I send you flowers 💐💐💐, strength and courage. I hope all these caring messages from the lovely GN people will be of comfort to you and that tonight you have a restful sleep.
It messages like yours that make me wish I could be there for you. Please share your feelings with a trusted friend , it is quite a long road ahead but I know you will get there. Be strong , be brave and you will adjust to this news.

Germanshepherdsmum Sat 04-Feb-23 11:38:52

If he holds a very public position and an announcement has been made, you may be identifiable. You may wish to consider asking for the thread to be taken down.

NannyJan53 Sat 04-Feb-23 11:47:36

Happened to me in 1984. Husband came home very late one night on a work day. I was very worried come midnight (no mobile phones then). Burst in the living room around 2pm (was contemplating phoning police by then) to announce he was having an affair with a man (a complete shock to me) and was leaving. Which he promptly did the next morning, not even saying goodbye to our son and daughter. They came down to find me crying, and trying to explain. They were aged 5 and 8 at the time, so I didn't go into the details.

My best wishes to your daughter, I am sure you will be there to support her (as my parents were). As she says, there is nothing she can do. Seems SIL has tried to deal with it much better than my ex did. 80's were different times I suppose.

Norah Sat 04-Feb-23 11:53:21

Sounds as if your daughter is doing all the right things. Divorce is very difficult. Good Luck to her and the children.

JaneJudge Sat 04-Feb-23 11:56:28

I can't say it any better than BlueBelle. It must be an awful shock flowers but hopefully he will carry on being a good Father to the children

grandtanteJE65 Sat 04-Feb-23 13:47:10

Perhaps your daughter feels as I would that she prefers her husband leaving her for a man than for another woman.

I hope you all manage to come through this shock along the lines your daughter is suggesting. If nothing else it will be easier for the children if the grown-ups manage to remain on speaking terms.

Shelflife Sat 04-Feb-23 16:48:45

GSM , a very wise and thoughtful suggestion.

Caleo Sat 04-Feb-23 16:54:12

Well at least your daughter won't have the misery of blaming herself .

lincolnimp Sat 04-Feb-23 22:36:20

Many thanks to those of you who have expressed sympathy, compassion and support.
Yes, it is indeed better than him leaving for another woman.
It isn't his sexuality that is intrinsically the issue, it's losing that little family unit and the future we thought was there.
However, we know that the world can turn on its head at the blink of an eye.
The children were told the what and why this afternoon, while out on a lovely country walk . They took it well, in that the older one asked a couple of questions and the younger one wanted to know about her new bedroom.
It will work out, but there is still a long way to go

crazyH Sat 04-Feb-23 22:47:30

lincolnimp that reminds of the time, when I informed the children, that their Dad was leaving, my youngest only wanted to know if he was taking the Quadraphonic’ music system with him. 😂

Wyllow3 Sat 04-Feb-23 23:18:41

You are doing so well. I hope he stays being a good enough Dad for the children. What a shock, no wonder you are losing sleep. You are being great.

My thought was also it is better than leaving for another woman! Yes, the loss of the family unit you thought they'd be...also the misery had he stayed and become resentful and increasingly secretive who knows what it would have been like for your daughter and children.

lincolnimp Sun 26-Feb-23 03:47:19


Last weekend we had a meeting with his parents. who live some distance away and came to their sons home for the weekend. They are appalled. They are praying that he will be healed.

I confess that I spent much of the following few days with very leaky eyes, especially when they told us that we won't have to support our daughter and grandchildren physically, emotionally and financially for very long as she will soon remarry.

That hurt.

Our daughter remains strong, at least on the surface.
House purchase is progressing, various jobs are being considered and applications completed.
The children have good and not good days.

So it continues

BlueBelle Sun 26-Feb-23 04:16:58

Oh dear they are praying he will be healed That’s a sad thing to hear in this day and age He sounds as if he has very old fashioned parents
Try not to worry too much
All will be fine, although different from what you imagined kids will take it in their stride

mumofmadboys Sun 26-Feb-23 07:39:10

It is good that you have met up with his parents even if they said some things you couldn't agree with. Hope things steadily settle down in the new situation and relationships between you all can be supportive. It sounds as if you are being a great support to your DD and are coping well.

NotSpaghetti Sun 26-Feb-23 09:16:27

There are no winners here... but
thank goodness you are not like his parents!

I would be wary of the contract the children have with them as they may push their views onto the children. I'm sure you will be a balance there.

I feel for all of you but as you said, he has been a good parent to the children and no doubt will continue to be. This is worth a lot.