Happy for them, sad for me

I am in a similar position and can understand how hard it is. My son moved to Australia 10 years ago now as my DiL wanted to go home once she had a baby. Her parents had bought the house next door to them “just in case she wanted to go home”. It took my son almost a year to find a job there. They have 2 children now and we saw them once a year until covid.
I really identify with those who get irritated when people tell you how lucky you are to have such lovely holidays. I do sometimes say that I’d rather have them here than holidays in Australia. I recognise that they can only live in one place but I really miss my son. He lived in London for some years before he went so I was used to not seeing him but Australia is a different ball game. I know that whenever we see them they are very pleased to see us so it could be much worse. You do get used to it but the ache is always there. Someone told me to always know when you will see them again as that helps. Best wishes.

My DS and his family went to live in Dubai 5 years ago, it was tough at first as my granddaughter was a tiny baby, (I do have 2 other sons fairly close by), however the time I now spend with them there and when they visit home is delightful, it doesn’t quite make up for it but it goes a long way

Nicolenet: I am surprised an adult child moving to Australia would be your "worst nightmare". For me a much worse nightmare would be my children feeling they had to stay close to me in order to keep ME happy while being miserable themselves! And a much worse nightmare, heaven forbid, would be if one of my children or GCs were seriously ill.
I know you meant it kindly and thanks for saying you feel for me, but I am trying hard to keep a sense of proportion.
Yes I am sad, but I am happy for them (hence the title of this thread)...

I’ve been at both ends of this dilemma….whe we were in our early 30’s we took ourselves and two very young children to Canada - for a three year period with my husband’s job - but we never returned to live in England again. It broke my parents hearts and I believe led to my mum’s death just two years later.

But our grown up kids - and our five grandchildren have benefitted so much from wonderful opportunities and some great experiences in their young lives - growing up in a country with relatively good educational opportunities and carefree summers enjoying the great outdoors that Canada offers.

And although I have regrets that our children didn’t have the pleasure of having their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins living close by, I know our decision to leave England all those years ago has culminated in a better quality of life for all of us.

Yes, the early days of them leaving are so hard! My solution was to keep busy, long walks and as much face time etc., even reading stories, bathtime fun, and baking on both sides with them. We are lucky to be able to go there every year and they do have a great life. Lots of sports, friends and working hard - they love it.

You are not alone. Many families are geographically separated. It is so hard and you have my empathy on this one - Australia is SO far away.

Nothing like holding your grandchild. Face timing is simply not the same. Make it a goal to get yourself there before baby grows up. Start saving for that airline now. It will happen.

Surely your Son will bring the family home to you too on occasion. It will happen.
Time goes very fast.
Cheers!
USA Gundy
(PS - how about vacationing in the US? That’s kind of a halfway point for travel)

I am 79 and finding coping with every day tasks increasingly hard. Luckily I have a super fit husband who is happy to help out, it it makes me feel increasingly redundant though. Does a anyone else feel like this, or is it perhaps a health problem I should chase up. I feel very well, just so, so tired. All comments welcomed.

Dogsjj not sure if this is related to a separation of adult kids, ir just general tiredness? I can just share that post Covid it took me until now, 7 months out, to get my energy levels even remotely back to where they were....
I still take a short nap midday which helps a lot (and I'm "only" 64!)

We have already booked to go there in September. We'll be away 3 weeks in total but will spend a week with them (not in their house, will stay in an apartment close by), then a week travelling and seeing some great sights, then a week back near them

Can I just say Thank-you on behalf of your son and wife? We moved from Gloucestershire to Devon and my Mum said 'Oh you must go' then spent the next 18 years of her life making me feel guilty for leaving...your family will truly appreciate your ongoing support. Knowing you are there will be hard for them too, but after adjusting I hope seeing their happiness will increase yours xx Much love x

Thank you all for the wonderful and supportive comments

I understand how you feel. Our elder DD emigrated with her husband and four kids to the USA several years ago and we have only seen them once since then. They visited at the beginning of 2020, for my DD's work, and we spent a very happy week with them. They were supposed to be coming back later that year but we were in lock down by then. They are keen for us to visit them and have offered to buy our tickets but my DH's health isn't good enough at the moment. And, to be honest, the price of insurance scares me, as we're old and have health issues.

However, modern technology does help. You don't even need to be formal about it, ie calling at a set time, etc. My DD and I chat to each other via video calls on Messenger, and usually a grandchild or two will drift by to say hello. It's not like being in the same room but it's a hell of a lot better than just voice calls and letters.

Don't let anyone make you feel guilty about crying and feeling sad. You're grieving. It's a big adventure for them but, for the people left behind, it feels like an empty hole in your life. People will tell you to be happy for them because they have moved for a better life, blah, blah, blah - as parents, we know that and we're happy that our kids are happy, but it doesn't stop us feeling bereft. If you want to cry, then cry.

I put on a brave face when I talked to my family, before and after they went, but in private I howled. I also ate peanut butter straight out of the jar. Somehow it helped.

It never stops hurting but you get used to it. It becomes bearable, although sometimes something will open up the wound. My family recently got American citizenship. They say it is just a formality, as they now have dual nationality, but it still hurt. My eldest DGD just got engaged. I don't know if we'll be able to go to her wedding and, if she has children, our DGGC will be far away.
These thoughts are painful but, most of the time, you learn to live with them.

The best advice I can give you is to cherish what is still here. Our younger DD lives near us with her three lovely children. We feel so lucky to have them in our lives practically every day. You have family who are still here. You will find that they are a huge source of comfort.

Thanks, Bluecat, so true! We are really blessed to have our DD and her family very close to us, just a couple of minutes drive away

My daughter and sil and first granddaughter emigrated to oz 9 years ago it’s blooming hard even though I had my other dd and gd 5 minutes away. You get used to making it work my dd would sit on the beach whilst I’d sit on my sofa and we’d face time for an hour catching up then another time my local dd and family would do the same. They say it takes 2 years to settle and get over the home sickness. I visited 4 times for a month each time and went at Christmas once. I used to buy duplicate books and send one to my gd then she’d have one in bed and I’d face time and read her the story from my book. You think of all ways to make it work. My 2 nd gd was born out there. Then one day after 9 years they decided they wanted to come home and they now live 5 minutes away from me. They miss there friends and live style and tbh I loved it out there to, but there home is here for good now.

I think any distance is too far away until you adjust. Even a few miles let alone a different continent.
But time will ease things and you will soon get used to being a Whats app Granny. I wonder too if you would be able to visit. My friend was in exactly that position and now looks forward to planning her holidays there. She saves hard but figures if she was having an annual holiday in europe it would cost more than her flight and of course board and lodgings won't cost her much( I suspect the treats do though) She goes every couple of years and now does the journey alone. In her 80's and is blessed with good health.
Sending hugs for now though x

Sorry you are feeling sad but you have the right attitude. Of course you will miss your son and his family but you already have a plan to meet up, so look forward to that, keep busy and enjoy the other little family who live nearby. I'm sure you already know all this as you sound like a very sensible lady!
Best of luck! Life goes on...........

My son and his wife and granddaughter used to live overseas it was hard not seeing them as much yes you got video calls etc but you learn to live with it you don’t have much choice unless you go and live near them. My son and his family did it for 8yrs then they came back to England now they live 300 miles away near my daughter inlaws family i still got to see my granddaughter regularly but it’s natural to feel a bit jealous of the other grandparents if they see grandkids all the time and have a better bond I do but that’s life you learn to live with it when you have sons lol

My sisters son and his family moved away to live in Asia. She was dreading it but they actually have more contact with her now than they did before! Although they lived in the same town they were always so busy that she saw them rarely and phone calls were few and far between. Now they speak regularly and my sister is lucky enough to be able to go over there for a few months later in the year. It isn't the end, it just becomes another way of keeping in touch.

Ohhhh its so very difficult because as a parent you are so torn.

My son now lives in Canada, he married a fabulous girl from Canada and they have 2 daughters now. I have a daughter here who I see a lot and I am very involved in my grandchildrens lives, cinema, sleepovers, days out, pantomime, picnics, baking, sewing, in fact you name it and we do it all together, so there lies the guilt and a sense of wanting to be able to do exactly the same with my granddaughters in Canada. Yes they have an absolutely fabulous life out there and I am over the moon that they do, much more than over the moon and yes I video call them and see what they are doing..... BUT of course there is that tiny part that lives within you, thatvwon't leave you, that feeling of upset, BUT in an odd way I don't want it to leave me because if it left then that would indicate I had no care.

So i send sewing over to them, i write them cards that I love them and i am thrilled to bits they have such an amazing life over there and i just accept that tiny bit that lurks within me of upset because it is what it is..... I most certainly wouldn't let my feelings known to them... never, that would be extremely selfish.

One of the things that I find difficult is not having much to talk about in calls. It’s easier if we have just visited and now we have met quite a few of their friends and know our way around their area we have a better idea of their life. I have a face to go with a name or a mental image of the walk, restaurant they talk about.
We are surrounded, whichever country we are in, with the news and events going on in our own part of the world. It could be the weather, Ukraine, the NHS even what our friends are doing. Little things that make our lives what they are but that lose something in transit.
We’ve been here a month and have only been asked about H&M once and that was by an ex pat😂

You’ve got a wonderful attitude so you keep that with you. It’s early days and you will be grieving for the family you feel you’ve lost. Plan ahead and keep busy you seem a lovely lady I wish you all the best.

These days one can keep in touch with relatives by phone and internet. My niece who is more like a daughter to me lives in the Barbados and now old age prevents me from visiting her but we keep in touch by Messenger and video calls.
In the 1970s there were no mobile phones so when my husband and I were living in France and Spain we had to find a phone box to call them.

You can make it work Philippa60! My DD has lived in Australia for 19 years now - for nearly 10 she has been married to a lovely Aussie and has 3 children, aged 8 and twins of 5. We are lucky to be able to afford to visit and they come here when they can. It was scary during Covid as before that we had always said to each other that we were only 24 hours away if something bad happened, and suddenly they may as well have been on the moon. We get on well with DSiL's family and keep in touch with them too - of course I feel jealous when I know that 'Nanna' picks them up from school once a week, and I often wish I was around to help my daughter more. Our son, who is single at the moment, is out there working in Australia too for a year, thank goodness we have a DD nearby with a baby so at least we still have one of them nearby. You do learn to cope with all the feelings about the separation, and as everyone has said there are thank goodness lots of ways to keep in touch. Our grandchildren have lots of Photobooks of the family (Snapfish or similar) which show all of us doing things together when we do visit, which they love. One other thing - postage to Australia is ridiculously expensive but you can send books all over the world postage free via Book Depository.

My son has lived in Vancouver since leaving university nearly 20 years ago. I have only met me 21/2 year old grandson online. I thank god for modern technology we WhatsApp most days . I think back to my grandfather brother who went to Calgary after the war and the only contact was a Xmas card . So I am at least thankful and love it when my gs says hi grannie

Can I just second (or third?) the comments about parcels when they ard small?
Our daughter really loved getting silly things in the post from my parents. Also, when they wrote they often included a sheet of stickers, a photo or a drawing of somewhere they had been- and once an illustration of a dream in which my daughter had featured!

Obviously as the children get older these things aren't so exciting but while they are small, even small things are fun.