Gransnet forums


Problems with DIL

(62 Posts)
Wisconsin2000 Sun 12-Mar-23 20:26:43

Hi, long story short, my DS is in the US army and moved to Germany many years ago. He met a girl and they got married and had kids. I usually see them once a year when I visit or occasionally they visited me. DS got orders back to the USA and DIL couldn’t come as it was covid and her visa got delayed. It has been over a year now that they have been apart and still no visa. My DS has enrolled the oldest kid in school, but I’m worried they won’t be here in time and will lose the spot. I keep offering to go and bring the kids here and I will move in with my DS and look after them. The youngest is almost 2 so I would stay at home with him. My DIL keeps saying no, that she will never leave her kids, which I think is selfish as me and DS don’t get to see them. I even offered for them to come and live with me but she says she doesn’t like the cold weather in WI. I feel like I am missing out on a lot and don’t know what to do. We Skype every week but every time I mention the kids she ends the conversation. I’m also worried that she might change her mind and not come here. What can I do?

seadragon Sun 12-Mar-23 21:58:50

I worked for the Royal Navy Social Work department for 10 years based at Faslane. One of my nephews served in the RN and was seconded to the US Navy. I find it hard to believe that the US Navy is not facilitating the move for your son's wife and children as what you are describing is clearly a welfare matter and certainly something that the RN department I worked in would assist with. However there is a fear amongst some serving personnel that approaching the Social Work/Welfare Service may negatively affect their career. This was NEVER the case in my experience and family separation is likely to cause significant distress all round. I know the Australian Navy has a comprehensive welfare service too.

Mitzigem Sun 12-Mar-23 22:00:23

Wow, surely this post is just for a reaction . Can’t believe it.

rafichagran Sun 12-Mar-23 22:02:42


I can understand your DIL not wanting to live in Wisconsin as its bloody cold there!

Nether can I really, no one can be that needy and lacking self awareness.

rafichagran Sun 12-Mar-23 22:06:14

Sorry, meant to quote mitzigem

BlueBelle Sun 12-Mar-23 22:39:27

I was a service wife they looked after us wives very well I don’t believe this
And if I was your daughter in law I would definitely think not twice but three times before I let you near the children Who the heck do you think you are He also works 12 hour days so I would need to move in to look after them they are fine with their mum they don’t need you to look after them

I wouldn't send my lids for a holiday violetsky I hope you wouldn’t the jars would cry without their lids

Hithere Sun 12-Mar-23 22:50:26

The board has been dead lately, some traffic was needed

Hithere Sun 12-Mar-23 22:51:24

Lol about the lids

VioletSky Sun 12-Mar-23 22:53:10


Still valid

Germanshepherdsmum Sun 12-Mar-23 22:54:46

I can’t believe there is a genuine problem with the visa. The dil doesn’t want to go to the US does she? She wants to stay in her own country.

overthehill Sun 12-Mar-23 23:08:21

The poster has certainly had a roasting.

GagaJo Sun 12-Mar-23 23:09:24

Much as I disagree with the OP, I have a British friend married to a US serviceman. He's been back in the US for a year and 9 months. She's still in the UK waiting for her spousal visa.

V3ra Mon 13-Mar-23 00:49:55

Sadly, the military doesn't provide much help for foreign spouses and they have to apply for visas like every one else.

This echoes GagaJo's friend's experience.
And she's been waiting even longer ☹️

MercuryQueen Mon 13-Mar-23 01:58:45

Uh, have you considered how freaking traumatic it would be for the children to be separate from their mother like that? And for what? Their father would barely see them, working 12 hours a day, so you’re literally pushing to take over her role as parent, with absolute nobody benefitting but you.

NotSpaghetti Mon 13-Mar-23 07:39:27

Sadly, the military doesn't provide much help for foreign spouses

This is truly awful! I honestly thought it wasn't true. How can they not have a "fast track" for military spouses and families. I hope our military aren't doing the same thing.
What a terrible situation (for many I would think).

I would definitely urge your son to try for a transfer back to Germany where he can be with his little family.
SO sad.

LRavenscroft Mon 13-Mar-23 07:41:14

Super scary! I would be running a mile with my kids and stay in Germany with my own family rather than travel 4 thousand miles to be 'controlled' in a second language by my mother in law with hubby out the way 12 hours a day. Yikes!

BlueBelle Mon 13-Mar-23 07:48:10

Your title problems with DIL should really read Problems with MIL

You really are something else so much so that I think this might be a wind up no one surely can think a mum should give her children up send them to a strange country to entertain a mother in law she probably doesn’t even know

Madgran77 Mon 13-Mar-23 08:35:09

The central issue here is what is best for the children! Everything else should take second place. Your son and DIL must decide for themselves as to what is best for THEIR children. Leave them alone to do that

Yammy Mon 13-Mar-23 09:08:52

Only a mother and father know what a child,s need is. Not a gran thousands of miles away. Your DIL is bound to want to look after her children isn't that what you are doing with your son?

Iam64 Mon 13-Mar-23 09:10:58

I still struggle to accept this is genuine but - if it is, the indication is the parents relationship is done for.

Smileless2012 Mon 13-Mar-23 09:20:58

I'm struggling to believe it too Iam but if it is genuine, I feel for the d.i.l., son and children who are separated.

Shelflife Mon 13-Mar-23 09:25:23

This must be an attention seeking post !! Surely not genuine. If it is genuine your DIL needs to keep her and her children well away from you.

ExDancer Mon 13-Mar-23 09:37:04

What does your son say about this?
Have you asked him frankly if his marriage is over?

grandtanteJE65 Mon 13-Mar-23 14:18:58

Does your daughter even want to leave Germany for the US?

Yes, she married an American, presumably because she was in love with him, but do you positively know that the marriage is happy?

Covid has been over for a longish time, so she could presumably have got visas for herself and the children if she had wanted to.

Please leave your son to talk to HIS WIFE about where they go from here.

She might after all prefer to remain in Germany so as not to move her children to a far inferior education system than the one they are in and only come for holidays.

It doesn't sound to me as if you know what is going on, only what you want to see happen.

lyleLyle Mon 13-Mar-23 18:46:17

I’m pretty sure the OP posted hoping to get a rise out of gransnet, but on the off chance that it’s real…

OP, it may be helpful for you to go adopt a puppy or join a craft group or something. This fantasy you have about playing mummy with your DIL’s children is creepy to say the least. Your son has a wife and your grandchildren have a mother. You are a replacement for neither of those roles, and angling to be is quite disturbing. If your DIL doesn’t join her husband in the US, surely the reason beyond the visa issue is that your insistence on separating young children from their mother is as repulsive as MIL behavior gets. For your own sake, find a way to live a fulfilling life that is much healthier than your desire to traumatize your grandchildren for your own pleasure.

Hetty58 Mon 13-Mar-23 19:08:36

I'm hoping it's a joke - really I am. No mother in her right mind would contemplate sending her kids abroad, surely? To be looked after by a mad woman?