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Problems with DIL

(59 Posts)
Wisconsin2000 Sun 12-Mar-23 20:26:43

Hi, long story short, my DS is in the US army and moved to Germany many years ago. He met a girl and they got married and had kids. I usually see them once a year when I visit or occasionally they visited me. DS got orders back to the USA and DIL couldn’t come as it was covid and her visa got delayed. It has been over a year now that they have been apart and still no visa. My DS has enrolled the oldest kid in school, but I’m worried they won’t be here in time and will lose the spot. I keep offering to go and bring the kids here and I will move in with my DS and look after them. The youngest is almost 2 so I would stay at home with him. My DIL keeps saying no, that she will never leave her kids, which I think is selfish as me and DS don’t get to see them. I even offered for them to come and live with me but she says she doesn’t like the cold weather in WI. I feel like I am missing out on a lot and don’t know what to do. We Skype every week but every time I mention the kids she ends the conversation. I’m also worried that she might change her mind and not come here. What can I do?

Iam64 Sun 12-Mar-23 20:28:23

Are you serious?

GagaJo Sun 12-Mar-23 20:35:03

Leave your DIL & son to sort it out. She's not going to send her kids to another country without her.

VioletSky Sun 12-Mar-23 20:40:19

I really feel for your DIL, it must be so hard having her visa issued and being apart from her husband

Please stop making that situation worse, for her, you can never replace your grandchildrens mother and asking her to stay behind alone is awful.

nexus63 Sun 12-Mar-23 20:44:12

i am stunned at what i have just read, why should a mother send her children to another country just because you are missing out, why has her husband not asked the army for help, i am sure there must be something in place to bring a wife and there children to the usa. stop being selfish and let them sort it out, it really is none of your business.

Callistemon21 Sun 12-Mar-23 20:45:26

Iam64

Are you serious?

As John McEnroe used to say

"You cannot be serious!"

BlueBelle Sun 12-Mar-23 20:47:13

Goodness me this has to be a wind up no one could seriously expect their daughter-in-law to send her children to a country without her just because you’re missing them. This is selfish to the extreme, of course that’s not possible and i’m not even sure this is true because military usually look after the wives very well for her to have been left for a year doesn’t sound right at all

VioletSky Sun 12-Mar-23 20:50:58

It's probably not a windup

MILs like this exist sadly

Hithere Sun 12-Mar-23 20:56:03

I will bite
Where does your son stand here?

GrammyGrammy Sun 12-Mar-23 20:57:11

OP- Research narcissism. You are displaying symptoms of it.

Wisconsin2000 Sun 12-Mar-23 21:03:09

My son is lonely and can't see his wife, so having the kids could be good for him. He also works 12 hour days so I would need to move in to look after them. Sadly, the military doesn't provide much help for foreign spouses and they have to apply for visas like every one else.

Hithere Sun 12-Mar-23 21:09:07

You mean having the kids in the US would be good for you, right?

NotSpaghetti Sun 12-Mar-23 21:10:28

Please be careful- you say
every time I mention the kids she ends the conversation.
This is obviously pushing her away.

If I was your daughter-in-law I would be nervous about bringing my children over in case I was put in an awkward position by your neediness.
I know you want to be more involved but I think it's important to put the children first.

Can your son request a transfer back to Germany if the visa can't be resolved?
That's what I would suggest - as you say, he is missing out on his children- and of course they are missing out too.

Skye17 Sun 12-Mar-23 21:17:24

Never in a million years would I have sent my two small children to live in another country without me. That would be cruel and very bad for them.

I would stop bringing this up if I were you.

NotSpaghetti Sun 12-Mar-23 21:24:20

Never in a million years would I have sent my two small children to live in another country without me.

Nor me!

GagaJo Sun 12-Mar-23 21:25:50

Wisconsin2000

My son is lonely and can't see his wife, so having the kids could be good for him. He also works 12 hour days so I would need to move in to look after them. Sadly, the military doesn't provide much help for foreign spouses and they have to apply for visas like every one else.

He can't care for them. She can. She is their mother.

This isn't a DiL problem. It's a MiL problem.

If you don't back right off, apology needed to your DiL too, you're risking ever having a relationship with your grandchildren.

Hithere Sun 12-Mar-23 21:30:46

If I were your dip, I for sure wouldn't move to the US

pascal30 Sun 12-Mar-23 21:33:37

I don't believe this... nobody could think like this

imaround Sun 12-Mar-23 21:35:35

I would never allow my kids to move to a different country without me, no matter who was pressuring me to do so.

VioletSky Sun 12-Mar-23 21:41:45

I wouldn't send my lids for a holiday, I'd be scared I wouldn't see them again

Glorianny Sun 12-Mar-23 21:49:10

She is their mother , you are not. The children belong with her. Why not spend your time and energy working to facilitate her coming over? Mind if I was her I might be having second thoughts about moving anywhere nearer you.

crazyH Sun 12-Mar-23 21:50:47

I don’t believe what I’ve just read ! A very needy Mother/ Grandmother -Wisconsin I doubt you’ll get much sympathy here. Good luck !

biglouis Sun 12-Mar-23 21:51:17

Whenever I read a thread about clingy grandparents Im glad tht I was never selfish enough to have children of my own. For many years my own grandmother had to take back seat in seeing me because my father resented her. And that was only visiting someone who lived a mile or two away.

The entitlement of some family members is beyond reason. Be careful or you will end up estranged from your grandchildren until they are mature enough to decide whether they want to see you.

rafichagran Sun 12-Mar-23 21:52:31

I find this hard to believe, even after posters told you how needy you are, you still cannot see you are wrong.
You need to stop this and mind your own business. It's about the Mother, Father and children here, not you. I would not be surprised if she does not come over and it will be because of you. Back off now.

biglouis Sun 12-Mar-23 21:52:56

I can understand your DIL not wanting to live in Wisconsin as its bloody cold there!