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Problems with DIL

(62 Posts)
Wisconsin2000 Sun 12-Mar-23 20:26:43

Hi, long story short, my DS is in the US army and moved to Germany many years ago. He met a girl and they got married and had kids. I usually see them once a year when I visit or occasionally they visited me. DS got orders back to the USA and DIL couldn’t come as it was covid and her visa got delayed. It has been over a year now that they have been apart and still no visa. My DS has enrolled the oldest kid in school, but I’m worried they won’t be here in time and will lose the spot. I keep offering to go and bring the kids here and I will move in with my DS and look after them. The youngest is almost 2 so I would stay at home with him. My DIL keeps saying no, that she will never leave her kids, which I think is selfish as me and DS don’t get to see them. I even offered for them to come and live with me but she says she doesn’t like the cold weather in WI. I feel like I am missing out on a lot and don’t know what to do. We Skype every week but every time I mention the kids she ends the conversation. I’m also worried that she might change her mind and not come here. What can I do?

Hithere Mon 13-Mar-23 19:21:20

Adopting a living being is not the solution here - the OP, assuming this is real, needs to stop living in a fantasy land

A puppy deserves better than this

VioletSky Mon 13-Mar-23 19:28:05

And of course no mum would be willing to even fly over for a short visit and definitely not send the lids kids for one.

Ĝrandma has their whole future life planned out, including moving in with her son to become their fulltime parent and school places...

DIL is a Saint for even doing Skype

Hithere Mon 13-Mar-23 19:30:34

Sorry, made my day

VioletSky Mon 13-Mar-23 19:34:00

My lids are always going missing along with the teaspoons and half the socks

*looks sideways at MIL

Callistemon21 Mon 13-Mar-23 19:35:39

A tour of duty is usually 24 months, but could be 36 months now, so meeting a local German girl, getting married, having 2+ children, one of whom is ready to start school, all in 36 months is pretty good going!

How could your DS enrol a child in a local school in the USA when the child is not living there?
Surely they have to be resident in the catchment area of the school?

Hithere Mon 13-Mar-23 20:00:07

A tennis racket has less holes than this thread lol

GagaJo Mon 13-Mar-23 20:02:15

A tour of duty for a US serviceman can be 4 years. They can remain in place for many years. It's called homesteading.

My ex was a US serviceman. He spent all bar 3 years of his 20 years service in the UK. It's quite possible to spend a prolonged period in one location.

BlueBelle Mon 13-Mar-23 20:59:00

But that doesn’t matter the children do NOT need to be with their grandmother in a country foreign to them but I think it’s a wind up no one can be that ridiculous

NotSpaghetti Mon 13-Mar-23 21:01:53

GagaJo that is at least good to hear.
Maybe the father will go back to his family in Germany.

NannyFlorence Tue 28-Mar-23 13:27:20

This is horrible, i can’t imagine expecting my DIL to send her children (yes my grandchildren but first and foremost her children) across seas to me when their father won’t even be able to be their primary carer, I love my grandchildren but they need their mother, this is not about you and she has half a mind to stop contacting you herself, your son needs to support his wife and put you in your place!

Mamasperspective Sat 01-Jul-23 06:15:49

I can’t believe you’re calling your DIL selfish for not wanting you to take her kids away from her. No you don’t see them but if you try to take them away from their mother, it’s you that is the selfish one. They’re not your children. I understand your DS is the father but he did not grow these children inside him, he did not feel depleted of energy for 9 months to give these children the nutrients they needed and he did not put his life on the line to bring them into the world.
Is it an unfortunate situation? Yes. But you need to keep out of it, stop offering unsolicited advice and leave your DS to organise things with his partner.
If you behave like this now and her visa does eventually get granted, I expect your access would be restricted no matter where your grandchildren live because no DIL wants a grandparent to act overbearing and entitled. Please remember you are talking about HER children.