Dating after bereavement

Definitely don’t over think any invites, just go with an open mind and try to enjoy

Take your time wyllow3. I, too, came from an abusive marriage and, although I dated, I didn't settle for a relationship for about 15 years after the split. He was worth the wait as he let me take things at my pace and allowed me to build trust in him. We married 4 years ago and have been together over 20. Your time will come too.

Sorry for hijacking the thread Aggy21. Your time will come too. Trust your instincts, take it easy and love will find you.

My dearest friend lost her devoted and lovely husband in 2016 - she wasn’t even 60 and he hadn’t claimed his state pension. As a senior GP luckily he left her well provided for. After 1 year and a lot of angst she started to socialise again, joining a church choir and also signing up for ballroom dance lesson. A further year later she started to casually date - now she’s in a new serious relationship with a divorced man and I wish her nothing but happiness. She’ll never “get over” her loss but she deserves some happiness and not to be lonely for the next twenty years potentially. It’s a personal thing and there is no “right thing” I wish you peace and happiness and the decision is purely yours x

I was widowed in my early 50’s and when my lovely husband was in the hospice he said he would love me to remarry and be happy again as he felt I was too young to be on my own, he certainly didn’t want me to feel guilty about what I did in the future.
I didn’t do anything for several years and when I did start dating again and eventually met my present husband, it felt the time was right to move on.
Funnily enough I often think they would both get on really well and be friends and my first husband would approve.
Guess I’ve been lucky in that part of my life.
I also have a couple of long term men friends that have always been just that, nothing more than a drink or meal out occasionally but I certainly think it’s possible to have men friends just the same as it is to have female friends and the conversation is a change.

On a similar note I’m friends on F/B with someone who I was engaged to many moons ago and he’s often mentioned going for coffee , but he’s married !
My husband of 53 years passed away just 3 months ago and I’ve already been asked , yet again, to go for coffee. This is something that definitively won’t happen, but as some of you have said I’ll take it as a compliment and a ‘thank you, but no thank you’ !!

I was widowed at 55 years old after a loving marriage of 35 years. After about 18 months I dipped my toe into on line dating. Just to give it a go I thought as I missed male company even though I had an active social life with either female friends or those couples we had known a long time.
Well, what had I let myself in for? Within a couple of weeks I met a widower in very similar circumstances to me. When we first met we talked for over 4 hours non stop. So here I am , 18 years later married to this man for 13 years. Can’t say we rushed into it!

My husband died when he was forty and I’ve never wanted another relationship. I’ve had some mild friendships. For one thing, my elder son, nine at the time, would have hated it, and my first duty was to the children. I now see my friends struggling with their ageing husbands, and I’m so glad not to be in their situation.

BlueBell I totally agree with you. Over the years I have made it clear to several men (I'm not on a dating group) that while I am happy to spend time with them I would not be getti intimate with them.
They soon " Try it on "

When my dad passed my mother went out with someone less than 2yrs after he had gone. After she had a long marriage to our dad. She didn’t speak about it just did it. It really hurt she could do that to my dad. I would say if you have kids talk to them about it and how they would feel about you dating. Yes we were all grown adults but if my dad was abusing to her I probably would have looked at it differently. But he wasn’t But nothing came from the first date. She did meet someone else and remarried 6yrs later and and still is has far has I’m aware.

I understand your being unprepared for this invitation - but if, on reflection, you like him and would like just to see where it might - or might not - go, perhaps you could contact him. You could say you've thought about it and were caught unawares.- and you'd like to join him for a cup of coffee sometime. Do not over think, or have expectations either way - just be open minded and maybe you'll have a nice meeting, whether or not it goes anywhere. Good luck - enjoy life !

Everyone grieves differently. Some people will be ready to start dating faiy quickly, others will choose not to ever date at all.

What matters was that you didn't feel ready (or maybe he just wasn't the right person).

Same here sweetcakes. 🙂
I’ve often thought that if anything happened to my lovely dh (he’s very fit but it’s increasingly likely now we’re both mid 70s) I’d never want another man - I’d rather get a dog. Someone who’s always delighted to see you, makes you get out for exercise, isn’t a fussy eater, and doesn’t expect you to wash his socks - what’s not to like? 🐶

Hi everyone I have a friend who lost her husband at Christmas
and she is going out with an old male friend for coffee and theatre trips already I am sure it is only friendship but I don’t know how to handle this as I think it is to soon but what do I know everyone has to do what they are comfortable with how would you handle this situation? I have not said anything to her wouldn’t dream of it.💐💐

Aggy21

Feels too soon. Too disloyal. I’d worry that saying yes to coffee could lead to more invitations then possibly on to a relationship which I’m not ready for as yet

This being so you did the right thing turning him down,

If you like him, you could suggest going out just as friends, or you can do so the next time someone asks.

If it feels to soon - it is too soon, but to my mind disloyality does not enter into it - the marriage service states the relationship is "until death do us part,"

If the dead know anything about what we are doing, surely they want us to be happy? Or at least, as happy as we can be without them, as we miss them.

Sweetcakes you don't have to live together in your new relationship. But having someone to share your life with either as a friend, companion or partner is just wonderful. I was married for 48 years and bereaved in 2014, I knew the new man already through a group but declined him for at least 6 months when he asked out for coffee 12months after being bereaved. I eventually gave in, but it took me 2 years plus. to invite him in to my home, that just felt so very disloyal. After 8 years we are still together but living apart, at great benefit to us both, but it is hard at times after a long marriage as you can both be rather set in your old ways. Wishing you a happy future

I so agree Grandtante, but it is not as easy as that, at times. It helped me to think what I would have wanted for my late husband had it been the other way around.

I was widowed at 50 after a 30 year happy marriage. I remarried 18 months later, and we have now been married over 20 years - happy but a different relationship than my first marriage. Coffee is harmless and dates don’t have to be repeated if you didn’t enjoy yourself.

My dad died 30 years ago. My Mum said from day one that she would never get in to another relationship as nobody could replace my dad. She would forever be comparing a new partner with him and that wouldn't be fair. She's stuck to what she said and when she was propositioned a couple of years after he died she got quite upset and tearful about it saying the thought repulsed her. A uncle of mine however, replaced his wife within 6 months as did my brothers father in law. Each to their own I guess

Sorry for your loss, Aggy21, but as relationships are so personal and specific to the individuals concerned, no-one can actually advise you on what to expect. So yes, people may well describe to you how things have worked out for them with a new relationship after a bereavement, but their personal experience may not actually have any specific relevance to your circumstances, other than as an interesting insight into what happened with that particular couple. You sound to be sensibly relying on your own well-honed instincts just now, and I would suggest you continue to do so. As for whether or not that door will ever open for you again, who knows, but I suspect that if and when it does, you'll know whether or not to walk through it. Some do, and some don't. There's no "correct" answer. Hope it works out for you, whatever transpires.

Witzend

Same here sweetcakes. 🙂
I’ve often thought that if anything happened to my lovely dh (he’s very fit but it’s increasingly likely now we’re both mid 70s) I’d never want another man - I’d rather get a dog. Someone who’s always delighted to see you, makes you get out for exercise, isn’t a fussy eater, and doesn’t expect you to wash his socks - what’s not to like? 🐶

Ha ha lol, love this, I did exactly that after being with my ex for 23 yrs. My instinct at first was to find someone else but after a few disastrous relationships I realised that I was happy on my own, had great family and friends, got a rescue dog who snored, coughed and farted ( very similar to a husband) could do what I like when I like, have travelled the world and now 20 yrs later I couldn t envisage sharing my space with anyone but my adult kids and grandchildren, it’s very empowering, but you have to do what’s right for you

I lost my husband a lot longer than you 7 years but grieved for most of that time . I always said I didn’t want anyone else, but I guess as the years have gone on , I have become more open to it. Not that I am actively looking for a man, I am not as I live an active life on my own.
I think relationship can be great but they can also bring lots of changes and you have to be ready or open for that. I go to Zumba, I run, I craft, I belong to sustainability groups, I upcycle I have friends and a family, I have just booked my first ever holiday alone for autumn. My home is very me girly and glittery (not to a man’s taste ) I work full time, I come and go as I please. I am not sure I would want to change or stop any of that to fit a man in.
I have been asked out 3 times in the last year two guys were two young. The last guy (a few weeks ago) ask me if I was dating, I said no so he asked me out anyway, I said I wouldn’t mind going as a friend to which he replied “ I don’t need Viagra its all working down there “ I said “oh too much information” . We clearly were on different pages. Not all men are like that and i would still consider it if i was aked out again by the right person for me if that makes sense. I think for me I would never been looking for what I had with my late husband and i wouldnt live with anyone . I think, if and when the time comes, I will know if its right and so will you. You will know what you want and the pace you want to go at, just be honest with yourself and anyone man in question .

pinkjj27

I lost my husband a lot longer than you 7 years but grieved for most of that time . I always said I didn’t want anyone else, but I guess as the years have gone on , I have become more open to it. Not that I am actively looking for a man, I am not as I live an active life on my own.
I think relationship can be great but they can also bring lots of changes and you have to be ready or open for that. I go to Zumba, I run, I craft, I belong to sustainability groups, I upcycle I have friends and a family, I have just booked my first ever holiday alone for autumn. My home is very me girly and glittery (not to a man’s taste ) I work full time, I come and go as I please. I am not sure I would want to change or stop any of that to fit a man in.
I have been asked out 3 times in the last year two guys were two young. The last guy (a few weeks ago) ask me if I was dating, I said no so he asked me out anyway, I said I wouldn’t mind going as a friend to which he replied “ I don’t need Viagra its all working down there “ I said “oh too much information” . We clearly were on different pages. Not all men are like that and i would still consider it if i was aked out again by the right person for me if that makes sense. I think for me I would never been looking for what I had with my late husband and i wouldnt live with anyone . I think, if and when the time comes, I will know if its right and so will you. You will know what you want and the pace you want to go at, just be honest with yourself and anyone man in question .

that should say Too young not two young my pc does it own thing too

I was widowed 18months ago after 50 years of marriage. I couldn’t envisage being in another relationship but I have several male friends and enjoy their company for walking, meeting up for coffee. I have known them a long time as friends and it will stay that way. Enjoy male friendships but be clear about the boundaries.

I’m in the same situation as you Aggy, but further along.

I have grabbed any opportunity to make new friends and greatly value a good number of new male friendships that have come out of random meetings and opportunities.

Vitrually all the chaps I count as new friends now have never made a move on me, and I can’t believe the positivity and how my life has changed with so many new experiences, travel, sports, culture - all as a result of these friendships.

Will still always live alone though 😊
I would say it doesn’t have to be all or nothing, it doesn’t have to be romantic.

Married 50 years here!
Dear god …isn’t once enough.
Long live singledom!