Dating after bereavement

This is my take situation i am and have been happily married for 37 years so far. If I outlive my husband, there is no way on this earth, at this stage of life, that I would want to share my life and home with another person. I would certainly be open to making new friends ,but that is it. Surely, I am the manager of my life, if I make it clear, only friendship, they will get the message. A friend of mine, who in her 30's, ,was left by her husband, has been looking for years ,to find her Mr. Right. She is now in her sixties, got married to Mr. Right, last year, after searching for 30 years! If that same situation had happened to me, I too would have searched for my soul mate. I would never ever want a second Mr.Right. All I need is good friends, my children, doggies to fullfill my life, if i am widowed. Sorry for ranting, but i have given this lots of thought. We are all different, and have different needs, there is certainly no right or wrong, on this subject.

My aunt met her new partner at a bereavement counselling session. It took a long while for them even to go out for coffee. They've been together for many years now, but still talk to each other about their previous partners with a lot of love.

My opinion, my observations… only after having widowed friends and how they have handled this.
• don’t be afraid to go for coffee - it’s a meet and greet - NOT a full blown date (dinner at night, theater, or a day event that would make you feel obligated)
• keep an open mind. You’ll know after this coffee, or two
• don’t overthink this. He may only be looking for someone to talk to, or friendly companionship
• be aware of red flags. There are men who are looking to take advantage - stalking, cloying/needy, asking for personal information, appearance and cleanliness
• you are in charge. If it’s not going well and you get the heebie-jeebies you can get up and leave. It’s only coffee (but as good a place to start as any)
• you’re looking for kindness, sense of humor, intelligence, morals - or whatever your criteria is. (those are mine)

You can always settle for my preferred philosophy and method - I don’t mind a man in my life, just not in my house. 😃
Enjoy!
USA Gundy

My mother was widowed in her late 50s and, though she occasionally went out for a drink or a meal with a man it was made clear that it wasn't a date!
Then when she was in her late 80s she had a relationship with a lovely man for a couple of years before she died. She never said, but I do wonder if she regretted that it hadn't happened before.
The only time we discussed relationships after being widowed she said that she was absolutely sure that she didn't want to marry again.
It must be a hard choice Aggy21. I'm still married and have also been with my husband since I was a teenager. I can't imagine that I would want to date again, but don't know how I would feel in your shoes.

I think there is a distinction between a bereavement, where you are grieving a loved one you probably would want time to settle. On the other hand a divorce you are most likely not to be still in love with your ex so more open to a relationship.

When I divorced at 59 I did not expect any attention from men, then quickly an acquaintance I knew well asked me out, I was shocked and I said let me think about it. 2 minutes later I rang back and said yes, there were no trust issues I knew his background, so why not.

I was naughty I hijacked the date, I took him to the theatre, that turned out a good idea because I’m more outgoing, so I can put ideas into his head

I've been separated, then divorced for nearly 20 years. At first I wanted a new relationship but after dipping my toes in the online dating sites realised that most of the men were only interested in one thing! I realised I was fine on my own and still am. Being widowed is different obviously, especially if you were happily married, but people differ. I have friends who seem to struggle with being single but others who are perfectly content. And I have friends who have always been single. The important thing is having friends and companions whatever the gender.

I am answering as a daughter of a bereaved mother. Mum has just recently struck up a coffee date and holidays together in separate hotels - non touch- type romance with an eligible male widower. Only you know if you are ready for anything - even a ‘no strings’ coffee. No one here - or even any of your close friends - can tell you that. An innocent coffee can quickly move forwards into sthg you may not be happy with. I’d say don’t accept the coffee date/meeting until you can see yourself sharing your short/ medium term future - your time - with a significant other. It is completely ok and normal to be upfront and tell coffee suitor that you are not ready just yet to meet a man on a one to one basis. Take the whole thing as a compliment. Clearly you have still ‘got it’. If current coffee suitor moves on .. there will be others. If you feel ready and are interested then go for it. Communicate your boundaries and expectations at any second or third meet up.

onedayatatime, you know exactly how you feel right now - but how can you have a clue about how you'd be if you were widowed? I've been married, divorced, single, remarried, widowed - then in two long-term relationships. You don't remain the exact same person throughout life - so it's good that you recognise there's no right or wrong.

I find it quite depressing - all the comments about other people's choices - the 'too soon', the 'disloyal' etc. I think it's a great compliment to (the memory of) a deceased partner when someone seeks a new relationship. It's never a replacement, it's a totally different experience.

I'm quite happy either living alone, with someone - or just meeting, going out, sharing interests - it all changes over time. Perhaps my children would have preferred me to be the grieving widow for life (from the age of 42) - but I doubt it. Anyway, I'd not prioritise their happiness over mine - and who'd want a miserable mother?

Gundy
I agree with you 100%

Yes it is hard for some, to make another life with someone else.

Personally it is easy for me having had a lovely long marriage to a kind, thoughtful and practical man. Mentally I am married to him, still and will be until the day I die

I love my life now, have been widowed for 8 years and am entirely responsible for my own decisions, if there is a mess to tidy then it is my mess. If I want to go somewhere then I go

I have had a man in touch too often, widowed last year, had been married to a good friend. I kept him at arms length and I think he now has the message. He was business colleague of my husbands and that is all he was to me.

Any couple is safe with me around, I never need to ask anyone for help as I am good at diy. Unsurprisingly, wives often shield their husbands, as though widows are predators. In my experience, men do not do so well on their own after being widowed

I remarried a widower who was a total gentleman and keeper. No one threw him out and he "remains to be" a great match and "new" life partner for me (6 years). My sister on the other hand has not dated in the past 20 years, is lonely most of the time, trying desperately to hold on to a house that's too big and in need of expensive repairs, too anxious to make a move and getting more and more "stuck" in the life she has. She never took a chance and does a lot of complaining about how life hard is. For better or worse "alone" is sometimes harder than with someone.... sharing the ups and downs, especially if things get tough with health issues as you get older.... is something I've seen lots of people go through. My mother is a fiercely independent 90 y.o. and chose not to date for the last 30 years. She has neighbors that check in on her and as a (retired) nurse, I've taken weeks at a time, several times, when she was hospitalized/rehabbing, to go (10 hours from my home) and be with her. You have choices to make. It's nice that you have a support group to lean on when times get tough. That helps a lot. I chose to love again and be loved with no regrets. I kissed a few frogs though in order to find my prince.

My OH is a widower to a lovely caring man, I’m very lucky, it was an easy decision because we have been acquaintances for many years, so no trust issues.
Finding the right partner is about having similar values and interests, about trusting each other as well having the same libido levels, different intimacy needs breaks many partnerships.