Feeling selfish

💐 we just fall into these roles and become what we are. Your children are probably correct, however it’s stepping back and encouraging him to help himself more.
You would actually be doing him a favour if you did. Having worked in elderly rehab it’s surprising how this comes about very often and unlike you the partner doing everything won’t recognise what has happened or is happening.
Be kind to yourself and stop. Ask him to help himself.

Smileless2012

You're exhausted both physically and emotionally Angstridden which makes you human, not horrible. You need to have an honest conversation with your H, tell him you're struggling and suggest things that he can do to alleviate some of your workload.

gulligranny.

I agree. Resentment is absolutely normal in this situation, its just that its sometimes not seen as "socially acceptable".

Too many women of our generation just fell into the pattern of being the "look after take care" of others without feeling they had a right to take care of themselves. You may have unwittingly facilitated it - no blame there, just awareness it may have happened.

People are right - you need to challenge it when he can do something for himself. Own up how exhausted you are and try and have an honest chat xx

You're exhausted both physically and emotionally Angstridden which makes you human, not horrible. You need to have an honest conversation with your H, tell him you're struggling and suggest things that he can do to alleviate some of your workload.

gulligranny.

My father was a pontificator and my mother a facilitator. When she got very old and could no longer facilitate, she became very angry with his pontificating, so I became their carer and took the brunt of both their frustrations to the extent that my father said: 'Look after your mother, you are the only family she has!' My thought was: 'Well, you have been married to her for 65 years, who are you then, if not family?!' My advice would be to look after yourself as much as you can. This is not a dress rehearsal.

I don't think you are being unfair to think this way. Being a carer is difficult, and sometimes the emotional side is neglected. See if you can sit and have a good talk with him about his general health and what he can do to improve it to help both himself and you.

My usually lovely children think I’ve enabled his laziness over the years and they’re probably right. I am grateful for being robust so far, but would sometimes liked to be ‘looked after’ .Several of my friends are not at all well at present and I look at their partners and wonder if mine would be as caring. Perhaps I’m being unfair.

You are not a horrible person. But the truth is until you are placed in a situation where he has to step up and do things - you will never know.
I have been with DH for 22 years and we have each at times faced life threatening illnesses. Happily we now both know that we can rely on each other but until actually faced with it - it was an unknown quantity.
Much as you love him - have you ever asked him how he would be if the situation were reversed?
Given that he has been a victim of the NHS incompetence - you don't need to enable him to carry on being a victim. If he needs to move more then encourage him to do so or his own benefit - if he refuses then maybe you should do a little less for him.
But you are entirely right to feel concerned and not horrible for thinking it in the least.

Being frustrated about your position does not make you horrible or selfish, nobody wants to become a carer to their partner.

I got divorced in my 50s and do not want a long-term relationship as it could mean becoming a carer later. The flip side is I would not have anyone to look after me if needed but would not want to put that on a partner anyway.

I'm right there with you, although my DH is kind, sweet and affectionate and hates the fact that he can't do what he used to be able to, due to various health issues and old age - he's 82, I'm 77.

I love him very much and I'm more than happy to take care of him but I simply cannot be "nice" all the time. I'm struggling to do it all and now and again I have to let off steam. Should we have to abandon ourselves just because we have a beloved one to look after?

These things have come upon us at a time when we ourselves are ageing and maybe are less able; I have no family to help and it's hard to talk about these problems, we have to stay cheerful and put on a brave face. We are not allowed to say that while we love this person dearly and will do all that we can for them, sometimes we resent the fact that the care is all one way.

If you are horrible then so am I - and I know I'm not, and I'm sure you're not either! You can always PM me if you'd like to.

Don't feel like a horrible person Angstridden we are all entitled to think of ourselves from time. It sounds like your husband just accepts all you do without any thought of how you are coping. Time for an honest discussion about how you feel and arrange for regular quality time where you can do something you enjoy.
You need to feel positive about all the support you give your husband not guilty.

You’re not a horrible person, or selfish. You’re an exhausted, worried person. I don’t really have any advice, other than look after your own needs too. I understand where you’re coming from.