Advice on not offending DH please .. . .

When we were both working I did the weekend grocery shopping whilst DH did other jobs at home. But since we've retired DH likes to come to the supermarket with me. He rearranges the trolley every time I add something. I turn round and him and the trolley, which he insists on pushing, are gone - he's in the next lane. He moves backwards with trolley and forgets people are behind him. As I'm packing he moves stuff from one bag to another, not realising there's method in my packing. He drives me mad sometimes. But I tolerate it. Its only once a week!

What's all DH etc mean please?

I agree if he lives there it’s his responsibility to share household chores. I also agree you suggest the jobs he’s does best therefore avoiding sulky behaviour later.

VioletSky

Play to his strengths and ask him to do things he does do well

Tasks like hoovering, you can't hoover and achieve nothing so take it in turns

Tasks he doesn't notice... "can you do some weeding please"

Give him choices "would you rather A or B?"

But why should we have to play those silly games !?!

Gaga has got it right, I am sure 'I would suggest it's deliberate aka waponised incompetence. The way individuals are able to appear to be contributing but actually don't.

It's often a gendered thing,'

My DH is a good man, and will do his own ironing, and cook occasionally. He will help with tasks, and not do them very well... but honestly, why can't they see it needs to be done. Why do I have to ask 'could you hoover the lounge please' ... and then he will say 'I've hooevered the lounge FOR YOU' as if he has done me a huge favour? etc. Hey, I am lucky, I know- but I do wish he would notice when something needs to be done and do it, even if not perfectly- rather than wait for me to ask ?!?!?!

pipsaucer

What's all DH etc mean please?

darling husband - OH other half.

I would be grateful that he is willing to do things and stop pointing out that a task he's done is not very good - one day he may not be there to do these things at all. How I wish my husband was here to leave the knife stuck in the butter and not wipe down the sink and worktops after washing up.

We only came very close to breaking up- about 45 years ago. We were broke and I was doing everything I could to save every penny. And he went and bought a very expensive new lense for his camera. I hit the roof (and I can assure you I rarely do)- and his reply was 'but we have just bought YOU a washing machine!!! (I used to go to launderette and do most of the washing by hand, including nappies in the bath!). I went berzerk and walked out and left him to it for a few hours.

We seem to have quietly slipped into his and hers chores, I cook (because I like cooking) and he does everything else eg dishwasher, laying table etc. He does all the washing including hanging out (I'd just stick it in the tumble drier) and he does his own ironing. He always brings me tea in the morning and makes sure the kitchen is clean and tidy before I come down. I shop for food in shops, he does the internet shopping for food. I do not allow him to accompany me with a trolley because he tends to say "do we need that?" which totally spoils shopping. I do things like clean out the fridge, microwave etc. Does he do everything perfectly? No but neither do I so I just quietly deals with anything that needs further attention and I guess he does the same with me and I'm very grateful that he takes responsibility for things without having to be asked.

Fleurpepper I don't see it as silly games, I see it as good communication.

My husband parents, he doesn't watch the kids while I go out. He doesn't hoover for me, he hoovers. If the washing up and the hoovering need doing and I don't care which do I'll ask him which he would rather do.

I'm better at DIY so I tend to do those tasks... being in a relationship is often about playing to strengths... that's the point

Maturefloosy I’ve got one of those at home too. I’m afraid your on a good hiding to nothing as my mother used to say.

GagaJo

I would suggest it's deliberate aka waponised incompetence. The way individuals are able to appear to be contributing but actually don't.

It's often a gendered thing, but in my case, it's my DD who uses it.

This...
However, if you accept someone's help, not accepting that they will do it their way is a quick route to madness

My late DH grew up in a messy household and when he started doing the cooking it was a nightmare clearing up afterwards. But he did improve and it was a joy being cooked for quite often.
Hang in there, Maturefloosy, he will probably improve too.

I would suggest that the things that really annoy you when they are not done properly, you do yourself.

Hand jobs over to your husband that you can bear to live with are done to his standard not yours. And don't remark on the things he has done.

A wild guess here: has he recently retired, and has he never done any housework in the years you have been married?

If this is the case, his offer to help is probably an indication of him being bored, or at a loss to know what to do with himself now he is at home all day. You solve this best by discussing with him what you both want to use your retirement doing.

If he has never done housework, you cannot expect him to know how to do it, so show him how you want it done.

An answer such as I can't get my hand into the glass to dry it without breaking it is perfectly true. This is not the way any of us dry narrow glasses, we roll up part of the tea-towel and insert it, so offer to show him how you learned to dry wine-glasses!

My late husband had no idea how to use the washing machine and was slapdash at washing up so I preferred to do it myself. He was willing to share chores though - mopping the kitchen and bathroom floors was his job, as was cleaning the hob and oven. We both cooked so that was never an issue, he didn't see the point of dusting so that was my job. He always used to peel the potatoes as I was absolutely terrible at it - but I did the chopping as I am good at cutting evenly, he was not. Its just a case of finding the jobs that your husband can do fairly well, or at least well enough

The problem with my DH is that he refuses to wear glasses so, to him, things probably look fine - drinking glasses, windows, carpets etc.

I have to confess that my cleaning doesn't look all that great when I put MY glasses on. Looks fine up until that point

It’s called strategic incompetence. Am I the only wife who cleans up man-pee from lavatories 3 times a day? I also clean up tea stains around the kettle, a filthy wash basin every morning. He ignores me when I complain. Recently I had a hip replacement and he did everything for me, so I am grateful. Now I can take on the cleaning again I’m horrified by the state of the kitchen sink, the refrigerator, the cupboard fronts in the kitchen. There appears to be no help but to grin and bear it as I cannot find a cleaner.

Yes I was always brought up if a job is worth doing it’s worth doing right. But you got two choices let him get on with it or divorce then you can do till your heart is content lol

VioletSky

Play to his strengths and ask him to do things he does do well

Tasks like hoovering, you can't hoover and achieve nothing so take it in turns

Tasks he doesn't notice... "can you do some weeding please"

Give him choices "would you rather A or B?"

This is what I call 'laying games'

Honestly, his job took him every hour of the day and night, and weekends too. And he was very good at it. So, despite the fact I went back to Uni when youngest started school, and later worked full time myself- I still did everything, from gardening, to decorating, and everything to do with children, and fetching, taking, being the family taxi, etc, etc. I did have a cleaner once a week, that really helped.

So when he retired, he took up all the hobbies he never was able to before- and the rest is still my job. Not because I am a woman, and was the mother- but because those things have never ever been part of his life since he went to Uni.

He is a good man, and not sexist at all- he just does not see what needs to be done. Does not think of changing sheets or towels- it's always been done for him- for all the good reasons that he just didn't have time. I hate having to ask...

'playing'

Learned helplessness, controlling behaviour, passive aggression? Or am I being unfair? Maybe he's just a klutz... I know I am. As for the concept of "helping", that rather assumes that all the tasks that you mention are your primary responsibility. That's not how it works in our house. We share what needs doing, although he does usually defer to me where most of the cooking is concerned. Nevertheless, he still makes a mean curry/chilli/spag bol.

Perhaps he could do things that interest him?

For example, I hate to shop - my husband shops for food, furniture, appliances, computers, kitchenware, bedding, windowcover - all the boring bits. Perhaps a division of labour in that way?

Again Fleurpepper (and I'm sorry you had to deal with that) I'm not playing games, I'm communicating

What's the point in being unhappy when you can just make your expectations clear

I'm not playing games or manipulating the situation, I am making my expectations clear

I also work more hours so will often say "can you get the bedding washed today if you have time" because I prefer it washed more often than he does. Simple

When he worked more hours I did more but jobs that need doing when both are home are split equally

I am not his mother

My late partner didn’t do any household tasks as a rule and only attempted any in order to show me THE RIGHT WAY YO DO IT. eg. Making up a bed with fresh linen. It could take him a couple of hours but , as he mansplained, at least it was done properly . 🙄

paperbackwriter its because I have more interesting things to do other than housework and cooking that I was seeking advice from Gransnet - - without dropping my standards that I live by,

Get a cleaner in maturefloosy. No more negotiations, no more trying to communicate, no more lowering of standards, just a clean house done to a professional standard. And better still, make him pay for the 3 hours a week.