Son & Partner Difficulties

Initially it sounds like you are putting all the blame on your son’s partner and in your eyes, he can’t put a foot wrong - your first mistake is being biased in your views of the situation because you don’t know what goes on behind their closed doors, you only know your son’s version of events. You also seem to hold no accountability yourself. I’m your eyes you may be doing nothing wrong but if you are doing enough for your son to step in and say something (he is still a grown man with his own opinions) then it’s likely that you are overstepping in some capacity but that you just see it as ‘normal’ and/or something you are entitled to do.
In all honesty, you have raised your son so let him lead his life and do not play agony aunt to his relationship issues. If he goes to mention issues with his partner, tell him you would rather stay out of it.
He has chosen to create a new, nuclear family with this woman so you need to give them space to figure these things out on their own.

There are a lot of women who are lost when the children leave home and retire from work and interfere in others lives. Don’t do it, find other activities to occupy your time and be thankful if you are asked to help out.

No return visit from the OP.

I sometimes think there are 3 types of people

1 The glass is half full

2 The glass is half empty

3 Opportunists

While people are busy arguing about the contents of their glasses, the opportunist will sneak in and drink the lot

Just enjoy what you have

GrannySomerset

My wise MiL, mother of a longed for only child, told me that she had made up her mind to love whoever P chose to marry because she couldn’t afford not to. Excellent advice which I have followed.

My wise mil made me feel very loved, accepted, and cherished. As it should be, I think. I attempt same with sonsIL. I find no faults with our sonsIL - our daughters selected them, life is short why not just love?

My wise MiL, mother of a longed for only child, told me that she had made up her mind to love whoever P chose to marry because she couldn’t afford not to. Excellent advice which I have followed.

I also agree with Luckygirls post.

It is tough love but there is the real danger of estrangement.

I'm also aware that DiL sees her mum more than me and is emotionally closer. I think that often happens, not always, but often. Just as you are close to your DD.

Your DS needs to deal with difficulties in his marriage not involving you. There disaster lies as does DD getting involved.

I truly believe that if you can step back you will have a better relationship in the end. If DiL stops perceiving you (and your husband?) as a threat she is more likely to be accepting and accepting of you having time with DGC.

Feelings of loss are involved and it isn't easy.

I totally agree with Luckygirls post
Although our babies and children are our world until they become independent people once they have grown and flown and chosen their own partners and way in life they should not be your centre
And this is your problem you need to step right back
I m really sorry to say this but you and your husband are causing this problem and your daughter shouldn’t be brought into it to take sides
I actually feel sorry for your daughter in law and even sorrier for your son stuck in the middle, you are over involved although you don’t realise it ….step right back and leave them to build up their life without a clinging mother …and yes she may see more of her family than you and that’s life

Grandmafrench

‘Why does he feel he has to choose between us?’

Because, sadly, she makes him - and even after their arguments over 5 years - he can’t or won’t sort it out and stop her.
He’s still quite young but surely has had enough time with this woman to know this will only get worse.

And now she’s got a lovely new weapon to threaten you with! No wonder your DH and Daughter are fed up. It will get worse so you really must stop playing. If you carry on - like him - trying to ignore her controlling needy behaviour (needy because he must keep proving to her that she’s No. 1 ) you’ll go nuts thinking she’s gaslighting all of you.

As others have said, make your current family unit work well, stay positive and happy and ignore the threesome until the Son who is your world works out what’s been happening and what he’s enabling! Her remark about how much less you see her Son than her own parents shows just how she must think and enjoy causing trouble.

You won’t win once you show you’re sad or desperate not seeing your Grandson. Your Son is the only one who can fix this, so please sit tight, stay calm and wait. It’s hard and I’m sad for you but you can’t change the behaviour of someone who doesn’t care and whose partner won’t see (yet) what a ridiculous situation she’s creating. Chin up and good luck.

In this way of thinking lies madness.

Instead of choosing to believe the worst of your grandchild’s mother, perhaps look for her positive attributes. Look to your son and his role in your relationship with her.

The idea of the child as a weapon to hurt OP with is quite frankly disgusting. Why would you compare a child to a weapon?

OP stop looking for malice in your DILs actions.

Put your energy into your husband and daughter.

Most of what you posted about your son’s relationship is none of your business. You seem too involved. He’s a grown man. He’s too old to be “your world”. Back off a bit. He clearly didn’t cut you off. Seems like a lot was bubbling up in him and he let it explode inappropriately because he’s likely tired of the dysfunction between your and his partner. You can take the wise advise from those asking you to reframe your relationship with your son in a healthy manner, or you can take some of the more bitter advice here that will fuel the division. Either way, your relationship with your son isn’t his partner’s fault.

It’s a wind up.

MercuryQueen

I’m confused. Your son is lying to his partner about you calling upset, but she’s the problem?

Maybe I’m misunderstanding something. But if that’s what happened, I’d be wondering what else he’s lied about, either to you or her.

Indeed.

Your own son lied about you? What is the real problem here...

I’m confused. Your son is lying to his partner about you calling upset, but she’s the problem?

Maybe I’m misunderstanding something. But if that’s what happened, I’d be wondering what else he’s lied about, either to you or her.

💡

Germanshepherdsmum

You can’t say that your son is your absolute world when you also have a daughter and a husband. Yes, he’s a very important part of your world but he has a partner and child who take precedence over you. I don’t think you can criticise his partner for taking the child in the kitchen with her while she was washing up, but what caused the incident and why weren’t you helping? Your son’s partner may not be the most pleasant of people but he has chosen her and has a child with her. His priority is, rightly, his little family. You just need to step back and try to be unbiased. In other words, bite your tongue. Otherwise you’re heading for estrangement because you don’t like his choice of partner.

AmandaJA Let this ^^ speak to you!

"Your son’s partner may not be the most pleasant of people but he has chosen her and has a child with her. His priority is, rightly, his little family. You just need to step back and try to be unbiased. In other words, bite your tongue. Otherwise you’re heading for estrangement because you don’t like his choice of partner." Yes indeed, avoid estrangement!

My apologies Amanda for getting your name wrong.

Well said Grandmafrench. You've summed up the reality of this situation perfectly but don't despair Alison just sit tight and wait; that's all you can do.

Here we go…..

I'm sorry you are feeling as you do AmandaJa but Luckygirl is right you need to take a few steps back and let your son enjoy his family. You have a daughter and husband who are your family as well, your son should not be the centre of your life just another part of it.
Relax a little and enjoy your life, you are making too much of this and it will end badly if you don't step back.

The comment ‘my son is my absolute world’ is at the core of everything you have going on. This adoration of your son will manifest itself when you are in the company of your son and his partner. I have no doubt she knows how you feel about her and resents that. You say they have huge fall outs and your son tells you about them! That speaks volumes to me. I suggest your daughter doesn’t get involved as she will only see your version and judge from that. Again, not good. I speak as a mother of three who are now early 50s and right now one is going through a separation. But in my opinion she is 50% responsible and he is 50% responsible. And I expect that is the same in your sons relationship but I feel you won’t believe that. Least said soonest mended was a wise saying though can’t say I’ve always managed to live by that theory but those that do have less family trouble I reckon.

‘Why does he feel he has to choose between us?’

Because, sadly, she makes him - and even after their arguments over 5 years - he can’t or won’t sort it out and stop her.
He’s still quite young but surely has had enough time with this woman to know this will only get worse.

And now she’s got a lovely new weapon to threaten you with! No wonder your DH and Daughter are fed up. It will get worse so you really must stop playing. If you carry on - like him - trying to ignore her controlling needy behaviour (needy because he must keep proving to her that she’s No. 1 ) you’ll go nuts thinking she’s gaslighting all of you.

As others have said, make your current family unit work well, stay positive and happy and ignore the threesome until the Son who is your world works out what’s been happening and what he’s enabling! Her remark about how much less you see her Son than her own parents shows just how she must think and enjoy causing trouble.

You won’t win once you show you’re sad or desperate not seeing your Grandson. Your Son is the only one who can fix this, so please sit tight, stay calm and wait. It’s hard and I’m sad for you but you can’t change the behaviour of someone who doesn’t care and whose partner won’t see (yet) what a ridiculous situation she’s creating. Chin up and good luck.

we have helped them both out financially alot over the years and this is how he repays us!

You should want them to spend time with you because they like your company, not because of what you have done for them.

Your son ,quite rightly, chooses his wife over you. Maybe they both know that you do not like her, however your son does.

It is a hard lesson to learn, but whatever happens remember it is not your place to fix it. Your son has sent you an anniversary card - hang on to that gesture. so difficult when we pour all we have into raising our children and then we take a back seat. From what I have gleaned from your post you have done all you can to sort this situation, perhaps it is now time to accept that it is their situation and for them to sort it out. If you can, try and step back , don't pass an opinion, sadly they will not appreciate it! Good luck.

You can’t say that your son is your absolute world when you also have a daughter and a husband. Yes, he’s a very important part of your world but he has a partner and child who take precedence over you. I don’t think you can criticise his partner for taking the child in the kitchen with her while she was washing up, but what caused the incident and why weren’t you helping? Your son’s partner may not be the most pleasant of people but he has chosen her and has a child with her. His priority is, rightly, his little family. You just need to step back and try to be unbiased. In other words, bite your tongue. Otherwise you’re heading for estrangement because you don’t like his choice of partner.

Luckygirl3

*My son is my absolute world* - and therein lies the problem.

I have 3 DDs whom I love dearly. I devoted myself to them when bringing them up and now they have flown. They have their own partners and families who are now the world to them - and this is how it should be.

They are not my world now - they are a very important part of it, but it is right that I build up a world that does not centre on them.

just been an ear to listen to when my son has needed to vent about his partners behaviour. - the only circumstance where this is OK is if one of your offspring is suffering abuse from their partner. Otherwise you need to say "Sorry - I cannot come between you and your partner and this is something you must resolve between yourselves."

Only on one occasion did a DD try to do this and I said what I said above. They are happily married now with a family - what a difficult position I would have been in with her OH if I had not taken a neutral stance. It was a blip - a blip that it was her job to sort as a grown independent adult.

I am not surprised your DIL is a bit frosty with you - she knows you have allowed your son to sound off to you about her. Why would she like you?

OP read this ^^ 100 times and follow.

Most of the post is not your business, don't buy trouble.