Son & Partner Difficulties

You are never going to "win" this one.
Sadly I think you need to accept that his own little family is now his focus.

Spend some time with your daughter if she's happy for that. Try to relax a bit. Your son is not cutting you off as he wished you a happy anniversary.

I think you need to apologise for the disagreement (even if you think you were not to blame) which occurred just before your son's partner left the room with the little one... Obviously something was said or done that she didn't like. You need to clear the air.

As so many have said before, we can't change other people but we can change the way we respond to them.

If they think you have a problem with her mum seeing your grandson more than you do. This is something you can deal with. It is in your hands.

Try to be calm, and happy for them that she has help from the other grandmother. And don't let your husband make things worse by phoning them when angry!
Good luck.

Your son needs to support his wife if he wants his marriage to work.. which I know you understand. I think you should act with caution and try to stand back from this as it has the potential to lead to estrangement. I agree that concentrating on your daughter is probably the best way forward. Try to remain caring and respectful whenever they contact you but don't expect anything from either of them.. it's very early days in their relationship.. let them sort it out themselves and try not to get involved at all.. and especially don't start comparing the amount of time her parents get with your GC with yourself. You will never win that one.. it's a tricky situation but resolvable if you are patient..

What happened when she was washing dishes and she left the room with her child?

"I had a problem with her mum seeing our grandson more than I do"
Sorry to say you are wrong here
Their time and child is not a competition, it is not "we need to be fair"

Your son accused you of being perfect - what happened that triggered that comment?

Your daughter needs to remain neutral or she will make this worse.

My son is my absolute world

It's hard when you've obviously put your heart and soul into bringing up your son and helping him in every way you can.
However, there comes a time when we have to step back and let them make their own way, which can include decisions we don't necessarily agree with.

Let him and his partner be for a while. He's said he's not ready to talk yet, but he'll get in touch when he is, he sent you anniversary wishes.

Concentrate on each other and your daughter for now.

I don't understand why it's a problem she took the baby to wash the dishes either

If her wanting her baby with her while she washed dishes caused a huge row with you calling upset, husband calling angry and your daughter somehow involved in it all as well...

Well it sounds like a complete over reaction problem on your part

Especially when the other inlaws are brought in and they weren't even there

Hello Amanda. As NotSpaghetti has said, you're not going to win so the best thing is to sit back and wait for him to get in touch. I know it isn't easy but hopefully given some breathing space he'll contact you.

It's a pity that your son has told his partner you called him because you were upset when you hadn't. That certainly isn't going to help and I wonder if the things he accused you of were for her benefit; you say your husband could hear her swearing in the background.

It is a positive that he sent you both a message for your anniversary so try not to overthink this; it's a waiting game I'm afraid.

Hithere, Amanda didn't say she has a problem with her son's partner's mother seeing more of their grandson. This is what her son has accused her of amongst other things, and she says in her OP that it isn't an issue.

VS the OP's son was the one who brought his partner's parents into the equation, not the OP as clearly stated in her post.

My son is my absolute world - and therein lies the problem.

I have 3 DDs whom I love dearly. I devoted myself to them when bringing them up and now they have flown. They have their own partners and families who are now the world to them - and this is how it should be.

They are not my world now - they are a very important part of it, but it is right that I build up a world that does not centre on them.

just been an ear to listen to when my son has needed to vent about his partners behaviour. - the only circumstance where this is OK is if one of your offspring is suffering abuse from their partner. Otherwise you need to say "Sorry - I cannot come between you and your partner and this is something you must resolve between yourselves."

Only on one occasion did a DD try to do this and I said what I said above. They are happily married now with a family - what a difficult position I would have been in with her OH if I had not taken a neutral stance. It was a blip - a blip that it was her job to sort as a grown independent adult.

I am not surprised your DIL is a bit frosty with you - she knows you have allowed your son to sound off to you about her. Why would she like you?

No offense, but I think you need to offload the detail and just get on with your lives and let them lead theirs, getting together when your son and DIL prompt it. There is so much 'he said',
'she said' in your post I would be running for the hills!

It's an awful lot of overthinking

Put yourself in DiL position for a moment.
It must be horrible having demanding in-laws who adore their son to the detriment of his marital relationship.
You should be glad that she is still happy to be with him.
Leave them in peace.

Luckygirl3

*My son is my absolute world* - and therein lies the problem.

I have 3 DDs whom I love dearly. I devoted myself to them when bringing them up and now they have flown. They have their own partners and families who are now the world to them - and this is how it should be.

They are not my world now - they are a very important part of it, but it is right that I build up a world that does not centre on them.

just been an ear to listen to when my son has needed to vent about his partners behaviour. - the only circumstance where this is OK is if one of your offspring is suffering abuse from their partner. Otherwise you need to say "Sorry - I cannot come between you and your partner and this is something you must resolve between yourselves."

Only on one occasion did a DD try to do this and I said what I said above. They are happily married now with a family - what a difficult position I would have been in with her OH if I had not taken a neutral stance. It was a blip - a blip that it was her job to sort as a grown independent adult.

I am not surprised your DIL is a bit frosty with you - she knows you have allowed your son to sound off to you about her. Why would she like you?

OP read this ^^ 100 times and follow.

Most of the post is not your business, don't buy trouble.

You can’t say that your son is your absolute world when you also have a daughter and a husband. Yes, he’s a very important part of your world but he has a partner and child who take precedence over you. I don’t think you can criticise his partner for taking the child in the kitchen with her while she was washing up, but what caused the incident and why weren’t you helping? Your son’s partner may not be the most pleasant of people but he has chosen her and has a child with her. His priority is, rightly, his little family. You just need to step back and try to be unbiased. In other words, bite your tongue. Otherwise you’re heading for estrangement because you don’t like his choice of partner.

It is a hard lesson to learn, but whatever happens remember it is not your place to fix it. Your son has sent you an anniversary card - hang on to that gesture. so difficult when we pour all we have into raising our children and then we take a back seat. From what I have gleaned from your post you have done all you can to sort this situation, perhaps it is now time to accept that it is their situation and for them to sort it out. If you can, try and step back , don't pass an opinion, sadly they will not appreciate it! Good luck.

we have helped them both out financially alot over the years and this is how he repays us!

You should want them to spend time with you because they like your company, not because of what you have done for them.

Your son ,quite rightly, chooses his wife over you. Maybe they both know that you do not like her, however your son does.

‘Why does he feel he has to choose between us?’

Because, sadly, she makes him - and even after their arguments over 5 years - he can’t or won’t sort it out and stop her.
He’s still quite young but surely has had enough time with this woman to know this will only get worse.

And now she’s got a lovely new weapon to threaten you with! No wonder your DH and Daughter are fed up. It will get worse so you really must stop playing. If you carry on - like him - trying to ignore her controlling needy behaviour (needy because he must keep proving to her that she’s No. 1 ) you’ll go nuts thinking she’s gaslighting all of you.

As others have said, make your current family unit work well, stay positive and happy and ignore the threesome until the Son who is your world works out what’s been happening and what he’s enabling! Her remark about how much less you see her Son than her own parents shows just how she must think and enjoy causing trouble.

You won’t win once you show you’re sad or desperate not seeing your Grandson. Your Son is the only one who can fix this, so please sit tight, stay calm and wait. It’s hard and I’m sad for you but you can’t change the behaviour of someone who doesn’t care and whose partner won’t see (yet) what a ridiculous situation she’s creating. Chin up and good luck.

The comment ‘my son is my absolute world’ is at the core of everything you have going on. This adoration of your son will manifest itself when you are in the company of your son and his partner. I have no doubt she knows how you feel about her and resents that. You say they have huge fall outs and your son tells you about them! That speaks volumes to me. I suggest your daughter doesn’t get involved as she will only see your version and judge from that. Again, not good. I speak as a mother of three who are now early 50s and right now one is going through a separation. But in my opinion she is 50% responsible and he is 50% responsible. And I expect that is the same in your sons relationship but I feel you won’t believe that. Least said soonest mended was a wise saying though can’t say I’ve always managed to live by that theory but those that do have less family trouble I reckon.

I'm sorry you are feeling as you do AmandaJa but Luckygirl is right you need to take a few steps back and let your son enjoy his family. You have a daughter and husband who are your family as well, your son should not be the centre of your life just another part of it.
Relax a little and enjoy your life, you are making too much of this and it will end badly if you don't step back.

Here we go…..

Well said Grandmafrench. You've summed up the reality of this situation perfectly but don't despair Alison just sit tight and wait; that's all you can do.

My apologies Amanda for getting your name wrong.

Germanshepherdsmum

You can’t say that your son is your absolute world when you also have a daughter and a husband. Yes, he’s a very important part of your world but he has a partner and child who take precedence over you. I don’t think you can criticise his partner for taking the child in the kitchen with her while she was washing up, but what caused the incident and why weren’t you helping? Your son’s partner may not be the most pleasant of people but he has chosen her and has a child with her. His priority is, rightly, his little family. You just need to step back and try to be unbiased. In other words, bite your tongue. Otherwise you’re heading for estrangement because you don’t like his choice of partner.

AmandaJA Let this ^^ speak to you!

"Your son’s partner may not be the most pleasant of people but he has chosen her and has a child with her. His priority is, rightly, his little family. You just need to step back and try to be unbiased. In other words, bite your tongue. Otherwise you’re heading for estrangement because you don’t like his choice of partner." Yes indeed, avoid estrangement!

💡

I’m confused. Your son is lying to his partner about you calling upset, but she’s the problem?

Maybe I’m misunderstanding something. But if that’s what happened, I’d be wondering what else he’s lied about, either to you or her.