I have a mobility problem and my husband's angry all the time

I had heel spurs on both heels and had them both removed. My GP didn't have a clue about what treatment was available and insisted that it was tendonitis. I insisted upon x-rays and they confirmed heel spurs. No amount of physio would have dealt with them. Your GP is talking rubbish about having to accept your situation. Please don't endure the pain.

NotSpaghetti

Did he come with you to see your consultant?
I think you should definitely take him next time and encourage him to put his questions and concerns directly to the specialist.
I would hope that having a proper conversation with a consultant would be a good thing to do for both of you.
I'm not sure a GP will necessarily have all the required knowledge?

I may be wrong of course - they may know all there is to know.

I've not been allowed near a consultant! According to my GP the protocol is that I have to complete a course of physio that might last up to two years and if that doesn't sort it I may be referred to a consultant. I had to fight really hard to get X-rays that confirmed what was going on. My GP referred me for X-rays but the hospital radiography department decided that it was probably a tendon/ soft tissue problem and so carrying out an X-ray would be fruitless. My GP didn't know what to make of the situation: suggested I attend a podiatry outpatient clinic — with a six-week wait. In desperation I went to a private physiotherapist. He diagnosed my bone abnormality, said he thought it was likely to be bone spurs and I had the X-rays done privately.

You can see the bone spurs very clearly. One is sticking into my Achilles tendon. I showed my X-rays to my GP and was referred to the physio department at my local hospital. I have an NHS physio appointment every 4-6 weeks, but they just check I'm doing the exercises and I'm in and out in 10 minutes.

I've put out feelers for a private consultation but finding the right person has been difficult. Currently waiting to speak to an orthopaedic surgeon recommended by a personal contact, but he's been away for most of the last month. I'm fortunate enough to have needed very little input from the NHS over the years and so I struggle to make sense of how it all works. I'm beginning to realise that I'll either need to go private or push really hard and be a PITA to make things happen. I'm trying to keep faith with the NHS but it's been difficult.

HappyLife

I had heel spurs on both heels and had them both removed. My GP didn't have a clue about what treatment was available and insisted that it was tendonitis. I insisted upon x-rays and they confirmed heel spurs. No amount of physio would have dealt with them. Your GP is talking rubbish about having to accept your situation. Please don't endure the pain.

Interesting. It's clear from my X-rays what's happening, yet still physio is the route I'm supposed to go down. I currently have no 'lift' at all in one heel and the physio exercises have made it worse and more painful. I do have nightmares that the physio is doing more harm than good. But how do you break out of the NHS system?

Can’t comment on your partners behaviour but a good friend had a successful operation on what sounds like exactly the same condition.

To see a Consultant privately you will probably need a referral letter from your GP but I don’t think they can refuse you that. If possible see if you can arrange to have the X-ray or results of your X-ray sent as well to the Consultant. From then on you need have no more dealings with your GP as if the Consultant decides you can have an operations or operations they will make all the arrangements and write to your GP telling them what is going to be done.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. To answer your question about breaking out of the NHS system - in my experience it’s hard as there are rigid protocols for referrals which can differ by area. Finally meeting a surgeon for a knee replacement I was told I should have been there four years previously. Indeed, the NHS system took its time via an exercise and physio programme. I discovered there is an MSK (muscular skeletal service) locally where staff are gatekeepers for intervention for all things linked to bones. A new to me GP referred me to them which secured a rapid referral for both knee surgery and also specialist intervention for debilitating spinal issues.

Several things occur. Is there a different GP in your practice you can see? Ask the physio for help, tell them the exercises are making pain worse. A physio can seek advice from a more senior colleague or recommend onward referral.

There will be a CCG (clinical commissioning group) or ICS (integrated care system) for your area. Google should find it. When you locate it look to see if there is a commissioning policy for foot issues. This may help with understanding the NHS process and why the GP is insistent on physio.

Nothing excuses the age comment. I refuse to see a GP who 10 years ago when I was 64 commented that ‘at your age’ you must expect these things. Certainly not! Mr C is 80 and about to have major surgery, age has never been a factor in referral or treatment. Find out if there is an MSK you could be referred to, if so it’s worth asking for referral.

The private consultation you anticipate with a surgeon should clarify surgical treatment options. Personally I’d hope for a surgeon who was more readily available but understand your wish for personal recommendation.

I am sorry your partner is finding it so hard to adapt to your new reality. It must be making the whole situation so much more difficult for you. I’d support the suggestion you attend consultations together, definitely with the private appointment, hearing a professional acknowledge the reality of your pain may well help acceptance. Good luck, don’t give up, there will be an answer and support out there.

Family experience recently indicates consultants do offer a private appointment without a GP referral. In one case writing to a GP requesting prescription for recommended medication in another advising surgery. Neither person had been referred by a GP.

You really need to have 'the conversation' with this man. What is going to happen if either of you needs serious care in later life? I would have spelt it out to him by now in capital letters as to what he should be doing in response or else. Ask yourself what you need and want for your future? Are their children on the scene too? If so, have 'the conversation' with them too. My mother took a lot of abuse from my father and when she died I he started on me. I asked him who the hell he thought he was and if he did not change his behaviour at 94 I would walk away. There wasn't a peep out of him after that as he knew he only had me to get him through the day. Be strong and good luck!

I would see a different GP in your existing practice or change practice.

I'd have a look here at orthopaedic surgeons and ask for a referral to someone specific.
I think I would tell my GP that this is impacting my live in extremely serious ways, that the pain is terrible, it's affecting home life and you cannot go on like this for 2 more years (or whatever).
I think they will refer if you are truthful about the pain and stress.

www.topdoctors.co.uk/doctor/

It may be that it can't be treated - I always look on the Mayo Clinic website (USA) to see what they say about options and I don't think surgery is always possible.

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bone-spurs/symptoms-causes/syc-20370212

If you take your husband out of the picture, how would you manage where you live? I ask because for the last couple of years I have struggled, constant visits to the hospital and no help from my family whatsoever. Despite the pain and limited mobility I have scrapped by, the garden got left apart from lawns being cut. I’m as good as it gets now and know I have to find somewhere more suitable to live or pay for help, almost impossible in lockdown,. The hurt I feel knowing I’m not cared about is worse than my health, but it is what it is and can’t make people care if they don’t. That’s the first thing you have to face, he’s shown you what to expect if you’re incapacitated, so do you stay with him knowing that? I had a good marriage and we were true partners, if we hadn’t been I would have split up but I couldn't have been with someone who didn’t care., but there’s loads of people that do rather than rock the boat or change their living standards.
The second thing is getting as good as you can with this current problem, you can insist upon a referral, either NHS or privately, privately they will almost certainly suggest an operation that’s how they make money. .The physio may well work it’s taken two years for me to use my should again, you have to keep exercising and follow advice all those jobs I couldn't do just got bigger and I’m tackling them gradually, knowing as I get older I’ve got to future proof myself as much as I can,
Sorry to be so practical and I do hope you feel better soon.

Excellent post from Cornergran.

I was receiving physio for a problem with the tendons my hip, The exercises were excruitating, so I stopped doing them. By chance, I saw the head physio and explained that they were not helping.
She looked at my regime and agreed that they were not right for me and changed my programme.
Why don't you have a word with your physio and explain this. Sometimes it needs a different eye to look at a problem.

Lots of helpful advice here, you have to be proactive. As many have said, there may be a solution.

You could try going to a private GP to discuss possibilities of referrals . They would know what surgeons/ specialists are available and can refer you.

Why don't you have a word with your physio and explain this. Sometimes it needs a different eye to look at a problem.

Thank you, but I have. I never seem to see the same person twice and so each time I've told the person I see that the exercises aren't helping and are in fact make the pain worse. It doesn't help that one NHS physio gave me the wrong exercises (exercises for plantar fasciitis) by mistake, which made everything worse. I'm now on the third lot of exercises which I'm pretty sure are aggravating the situation rather than making it better.

Cornergran, thank you very much for your detailed suggestions. It's good to have it confirmed that I'm not going bonkers and that the protocol for this sort of thing can stretch on for ages with ineffective physio before a referral to a specialist is permitted. I'll follow through on your suggestions. How on earth do people who have literacy issues, or don't use computers, ever get what they need? I'm fortunate to have some savings and will get private help, but my heart goes out to those who don't have that option.

I'll take my husband to the private consultation. I think as others have said, he's grieving for his retirement plans. It's been a shock to see how he deals with these kind of situations.

It may not be the end of your retirement plans, although it may seem at the moment that it does.

There are some positive posts on here, which should give you some hope.

I meant to say, that here in Glasgow have a designated NHS physio, so I always have continuity, apart from the time he was starnded on a stag do in Amsterdam, when his flight was cancelled!.

In our area we need a GP letter to get a referral to a Private Consultant, after that it’s a fairly quick appointment, contrary to what another poster says they do not always operate.
You can Google the Consultants to see what experience they have. You will probably have to have up to date X-rays again though and this will add to your costs.
We have 2 close family members going through Private Healthcare at the moment, it’s efficient, you will not be able to queue jump the NHS system , but you will get answers and they will speak to you about surgery and the pros and cons.
As I’ve said on another thread the NHS are brilliant at emergency situations, but getting past your GP and into the NHS can be a problem.

You can see a consultant privately without a GP letter but to get a referral for an NHS appointment with a consultant you will need a letter from your GP.

Sending big hugs to you..it's such a shame and quite shocking that he should take this attitude, especially asking what use you are because you can't do things.
He may well have been shocked and disappointed by the news, but there's no need for nastiness and not supporting you.
Over the past 8 years hubby and I have had each had a major health problem, one very recent. It's had quite an impact on our lives, but we've supported one another unconditionally, and it's brought us even closer together, if that were possible.
I think being equally as 'honest' with him, about his lack of support is probably needed and a reassurance that he can still go off and do his thing!
I really hope things improve between you.

This may sound cliched. But why not have some counselling to talk this issue through with, so to speak, a referee to help you through.

As for your GP, change him. How old is he?

My second husband had a similar attitude on the few occasions I was unwell - during our 21 year marriage. Normally, he was a lovely, easy going, caring and cheerful chap. He just couldn't cope with illness - at all.

I remember having a severe episode of gastric flu, when I was, mainly, confined to the bedroom and bathroom for several days. He was either out - or angry and stomping around the house. He reluctantly brought me water, that was all. Luckily, that was before the kids arrived and a good friend came to help me.

Another time, when we had two small boys to care for, I had one hell of a temperature and was hallucinating, shivering etc. - as painkillers weren't enough. He looked after the boys, with much complaining, and I was unceremoniously dumped in a tepid bath to cool me down - and told to pull myself together.

That's just a few examples and yes, we did have that talk. He agreed that his behaviour was absolutely awful. His only explanation was that my being ill made him feel really insecure, frightened - and angry. He 'just couldn't help it' apparently.

When he became ill he was awful again - yet I supported and cared for him, the best I could, until he died. If it had been me, he'd have run for the hills (I know it) and somebody else would have helped me.

(Yes, I put up with it - because most of the time, he was lovely.)

If you have a condition that seems from the outside to be small it's extremely frustrating and difficult to navigate as a partner or close friend/relative.

It makes no sense. It is really hard to keep in sympathy with your (invisibly) suffering loved-one.
This is particularly the case if you don't understand the mechanics of their problems and the things that might/might not be possible medically.

My truly lovely husband does sometimes get frustrated with me (as I do occasionally feel rather sorry for myself). I know he's frustrated as we have been together for many years and I recognise it in his intonation. He would never speak harshly to me but I know how hard it can be as I was in his position for many years when he was at his worst with ME.

It's a little bit like a bereavement to be honest. You have ideas and plans and they are suddenly gone - for an indeterminate period, maybe forever - hopes and dreams just pulled away.

I think if you can face the problems side-by-side, discuss your fears and hopes together, things will improve. Go together to medical appointments and as M0nica says, seek counselling together if still unresolved.

He's just made a huge show of washing my car for me and has basically said that if I'm not capable of doing some light work in the garden or cleaning my own car, then what use am I?

Reasons have been given to explain his attitude, and I'm sure they're probably accurate. But that comment is unforgiveable.

I'd be asking him how he'd expect you to react if, God forbid, he ever became bed-ridden. Going by his 'logic' he'd be no bloody use at all. Would he accept you stomping around the house in an ill-temper - I bet he wouldn't.

Take the medical advice given by those on here who are familiar with your bone-spurs problem, and hopefully you'll start to feel a bit more hopeful about the condition and what might be possible for you.

But at some point - maybe when you're feeling more optimistic about things - I'd definitely be challenging him on his appalling attitude. Does he want a partner or a housekeeper? Perhaps he could employ someone to help around the house and garden, and leave you to focus on doing whatever is possible to alleviate your medical problem.

I'm not an expert, but my DH and another relative both developed bony spurs when doing jobs where they were on their feet a lot. In both cases a few weeks rest along with physio cured it so it is possible to get better.

What about contacting your MP and explaining the revolving door you seem to be stuck in. Explain how is effecting your every waking moment. What have you got to lose? I have engaged with our MP several times over the years and it always resulted in a change for the better. Also, as others suggest, change GP. Please keep us posted with your progress and good luck.

Divorce the selfish sod