I feel emotionally detached from my kids and grandchildren.

the quote seems quite sensible to me
The quote may be sensible in some contexts but I'm not sure it is paricularly relevant to this OP considering her first and subsequent posts.

I agree Madgran.

Sorry some people didn't like the link

I liked it, it was shared by someone I follow as a positive thing to their followers (or, people interested in self improvement because that is what he writes about) and I saw it as helpful

OP states they already do this so that is a huge positive for them as something they also live by. Now it is available to anyone who would like to pass it on

As a dil myself (now with teens), I always describe my in laws as ‘not necessarily my cup of tea but very nice people and have been supportive and kind grandparents’ - they are genuinely supportive and want to be involved. I also have a close family who can be trying at times. One thing I’ve encouraged my dh to do is visit his parents alone sometimes and without me (and when the kids were little with them too) - we would see them together as a family too, but sometimes I feel they open up to him when I’m not around, just like my Mum does when he’s not around, it’s a different dynamic. I get the opportunity for a quick coffee or lunch with my Mum as our schedules are more aligned but maybe when your dil is away or visiting friends, maybe a walk at a local park with ds and a cup of tea and cake. Maybe then the meet ups with your dil might happen a bit more ? I don’t know but again, don’t overthink it. I think a lot of men deal differently with their parents than women but I like to try to be fair but also encourage my dh to manage the in laws expectations so that every visit doesn’t need to be a ‘all family’ affair and that equally there is nothing to be read into this……

Your parents in law have been blessed with you as their d.i.l. GibraltarRock and your post made me .

nanna8

I think what MOnica says is very sensible and that is exactly how I would deal with it. Don’t blame yourselves, just accept it is what it is and treat them all equally. I think that poem is, well, just plain nasty.

I don't think the quote is appropriate in this context, but I don't think it's nasty. I know somebody to whom it applies absolutely. I'd love to say something to this person, but I just keep on trying to smile sweetly.

Ironically, the person I know wonders why people stay clear and then accuses them of being nasty. It's because people aren't nasty that they don't have the courage to be honest about what would really help the situation and make everybody happier.

Madgran77

*the quote seems quite sensible to me*
The quote may be sensible in some contexts but I'm not sure it is paricularly relevant to this OP considering her first and subsequent posts.

I was talking about the content of the quote which I didn't consider to be nasty..

I think you’re a bit too opinionated about their lives. Seems you disassociated yourself because they parent the way they want and likely do not seem interested in whether or not you approve or agree with them. Therefore, you distance yourself from them rather than accept that they choose to live and parent so far from what you would do. That seems more of a conscious choice than you’d like to admit. It bothers you that your son has chosen someone so far from you. It is possible you view their differences as a rejection of you, so you protect yourself by distancing emotionally. They likely feel it and keep you at arms length because it feels like the safest route. I can’t give you a fix for what appears to be more your own internal struggle than anything truly to do with them, but I can tell you that it is easier to stop examining their family life so closely. Remind yourself constantly that the things you are writing about here have nothing to do with you, and it should help at least compartmentalize your relationship with your grandchildren from your clear disdain for their mother.

*The quote may be sensible in some contexts but I'm

I was talking about the content of the quote which I didn't consider to be nasty..

Yes sorry pascal I understood your point and should have said that when commenting that the quote didn't seem relevant to the OPs situation, judging by the information she provided

Madgran77

*The quote may be sensible in some contexts but I'm

I was talking about the content of the quote which I didn't consider to be nasty..

Yes sorry pascal I understood your point and should have said that when commenting that the quote didn't seem relevant to the OPs situation, judging by the information she provided

I see you point too.x

M0nica

Oh dear, someone else loading all the blame on the grabdparent/parent again.

Always the same people too, it must be nice up there on the moral high ground …

I'd rather be down here in the real world DamaskRose.

Smileless2012

I'd rather be down here in the real world DamaskRose.

Me too, Smileless2021!

I’m failing to see how any “blame” can be assigned to the young couple. They aren’t responsible for the OP’s feelings. They are raising their family how they see fit. She doesn’t approve. There is no “blaming” to be done anywhere. Adults are responsible for their own thoughts and feelings. Trying to find external reasons that have nothing to do with OP for her own disconnect from her family isn’t helpful. It is what it is. It’s just not right to try to pick apart the differences in parenting and living of this young couple from her own choices and assign negative value judgements to them. This is an internal issue. Nothing to do actually do with the young family. OP doesn’t feel close to them, those are feelings. In turn it is likely they’ll rightfully feel closer to DIL’s. It is what it is.

I do think the quote was appropriate

There doesn't seem to be any real problems here, just people who choose to do things differently

There are lots of ways to be a good parent.

Bring the focus back to what you do like and respect. If the distance is a problem, take some time (with or without professional help) to figure out why it is and when it started.

Or decide if having this distance between you all is ok? Maybe it is just ok that you don't have as close a relationship with one child s you do with the others. If they are happy, and are not bothered by it, maybe it's safe to just have it be that way.

Then the focus would be in letting go of those differences between you because they would no longer matter

Great advice VS!

I’m failing to see how any “blame” can be assigned to the young couple

I agree. I havent seen anyone on here particularly blaming them either.

The OPs key concern is whether it is normal to feel as she does and she has given some information to put that in context. People have tried to answer in that vein. She also emphasises her understanding that how they raise their kids has nothing to do with her and she sensibly keeps opinions to herself. She is asking for advice on her feelings which may well be influenced by her opinions but that's not blaming, it's just what it is as you say!

I don't see how any blame can be assigned to the OP, but there have been attempts to do so.

Blame is not beneficial here

Accountability is beneficial in all relationships by all parties

Madgran77

*I’m failing to see how any “blame” can be assigned to the young couple*

I agree. I havent seen anyone on here particularly blaming them either.

The OPs key concern is whether it is normal to feel as she does and she has given some information to put that in context. People have tried to answer in that vein. She also emphasises her understanding that how they raise their kids has nothing to do with her and she sensibly keeps opinions to herself. She is asking for advice on her feelings which may well be influenced by her opinions but that's not blaming, it's just what it is as you say!

We are in agreement that blame isn’t a term applicable to the situation. It’s strange that some brought it up in the context of the original post and other’s responses to it. When people say “it’s always the same people blaming grandparents”, it’s odd considering the OP is about

Accidentally hit pot before I finished…

It’s odd considering the post is about feelings based on her judgements if the young family.

I thought the quote was fine! I don't like rough and tumble and risk taking with children either, I don't think it is that unusual. I even used to worry when they were out on their bikes. They had plenty of colourful tat though. I know this post isn't about me but I do just think we are all different and it is ok for all of you to feel the way you do

Some of the responses were blaming the OP lyeLyle.

I don't think there was blaming, just constructive advice

Defensiveness is a well known problem in relationships that can really break them. Active listening is a far better course and taking some time to breathe and process instead of reacting

Here is a really good article I read when I realised my own defensiveness was causing issues interacting with others

www.betterhelp.com/advice/behavior/understanding-defensiveness-as-a-coping-skill/

The OP wasn't being defensive VS.