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Unwanted contact

(48 Posts)
Grandmabatty Sat 10-Jun-23 11:12:15

A couple of months ago my oldest friend died. She had asked for a small group of us to be with her at the end, one of whom was her ex husband. I have known him since we were teenagers. Frankly he behaved very badly to everyone who was there, including my friend's partner, and made everything about him. He was quite horrible to me on a few occasions too. Since then I have cut him off on Facebook but he is now phoning and leaving messages on WhatsApp. Yesterday he phoned five times. I find myself in the position of having to tell him to stop contacting me, but I'm struggling with wording it. I don't particularly want to be unpleasant as that's not who I am. However the message needs to be clear. Can anyone help me come up with a "stop contacting me, you idiot" message. I think he is very lonely and because he isn't a particularly nice man, he has alienated most of his friends, hence trying to keep in touch with me. I don't need or want him in my life in any capacity.

Lathyrus Sat 10-Jun-23 11:21:19

“Please don’t contact me anymore”

should do just fine.

If you think that’s a bit abrupt you could add

I wish you well for the future.

And then just delete anything that comes in.

He’s pestering you.

Grandmabatty Sat 10-Jun-23 11:23:51

Thank you Lathyrus. I fully intend to block him on WhatsApp once I send a message, so I shouldn't get any more calls.

Hetty58 Sat 10-Jun-23 11:29:42

Surely, if you don't answer the phone or door to him, he'll have to give up? Can't you just block him on phone and WhatsApp? You can create a silent ringtone for his number too. He could still leave a message - but you can just ignore it.

If you must do the 'don't contact' thing, it could be better sent through somebody else, like your late friend's partner. You really cannot avoid it being unpleasant though.

VioletSky Sat 10-Jun-23 11:31:52

No response is a response

You can block incoming calls and WhatsApp messages

You don't owe this man anything

Grandmabatty Sat 10-Jun-23 11:32:51

Hetty this has been going on for a couple of months. I never answer the phone to him and blocked him on messenger. However he's calling me on WhatsApp now and yesterday there were five calls and a message. He isn't getting the message at all! I really hope he doesn't turn up at the door, hence my need to make it unambiguous.

Grandmabatty Sat 10-Jun-23 11:34:20

Violetsky. Good point. I know I don't owe him anything. I just want him to stop contacting me.

Hetty58 Sat 10-Jun-23 11:37:19

Grandmabatty, oh I see, a real pest. Block him on WhatsApp:

Grandmabatty Sat 10-Jun-23 11:39:16

Hetty thank you

Marydoll Sat 10-Jun-23 11:48:34

GMBatty, I have a similar problem. He is someone, who was very involved in our church, but fell out with the clergy.
I found it very difficult to tell him not to contact me, when he kept phoning both landline and mobile. Ignoring and blocking didn't work and last week after a spell of no contact, he turned up at my door, which I found very unsettling, for I find him very creepy..
Unfortunately I answered the door, thinking it was DH arriving back from the golf.

My advice is to be blunt, trying to tell my stalker (for that is what he is) kindly, didn't work.
Good luck.

Grandmabatty Sat 10-Jun-23 11:50:51

Marydoll thank you. That sounds like a horrible situation to be in! My 'stalker' isn't creepy at least, but a rather unpleasant man who I no longer need any contact with.

Tink75 Sat 10-Jun-23 11:50:58

Grandma Batty I have the same problem. What is it with lonely men? Friend died now her husband who has always been over familiar rings and wants to come and stay. My husband died 3 months ago.

Grandmabatty Sat 10-Jun-23 11:55:22

I'm sorry Tinks that you are in a similar situation. That sounds worse for you. This man was overly familiar at times but I ignored it. I suspect my issue is that I have known him for such a long time so I'm struggling with being blunt.

Doodledog Sat 10-Jun-23 11:59:50

I'm not convinced that ghosting him will work. He seems pretty thick skinned, and anyway, ghosting is a horrible thing to do. Maybe reply to say something like 'I don't like not replying to your messages, but I have a lot going on just now. That's not likely to change, so it would be better if you stopped contacting me.

annsixty Sat 10-Jun-23 12:02:38

Being blunt and straight with him really is the only way.
Anything less and he will think he has a chance of getting through.
Like pulling a very difficult plaster off just grit your teeth and do it.
You will feel so much better.
I hope you are feeling a bit better today.
Having this on your mind will not be helping.

Tink75 Sat 10-Jun-23 12:04:35

Me too Grandma Batty I have known him for over 50 years I feel vulnerable now that I am on my own. Luckily for me he lives 100 miles away. I don't like to be rude.

Grandmabatty Sat 10-Jun-23 12:07:57

Well I've sent a message saying stop contacting me as I find it intrusive, then I blocked him. I hope that's enough. Annsixty thank you. My voice is going now which many would say is a positive thing!😂

Grandmabatty Sat 10-Jun-23 12:09:21

Tink you say you don't want to be rude, but he's got no problem in being rude to you!

Tink75 Sat 10-Jun-23 12:15:53

Yes you are right Grandmabatty. Just good to have some one else to discuss it with Thankyou.

Baggs Sat 10-Jun-23 12:22:17

Telling someone to stop contacting (pestering) you is not rude.

I learned this in my teens thanks to my Dad telling me to be forthright with a boy who kept asking me out. Dad said “Just say NO.” He’ll understand that and will BELIEVE you to be serious whereas if You keep giving soft negatives he’ll think you’re stringing him along.

It worked.

Baggs Sat 10-Jun-23 12:24:22

I also don’t think ghosting in these situations is wrong.

Grandmabatty Sat 10-Jun-23 12:26:16

Baggs the trouble with this man is, I was ignoring him but he wasn't going away. A bit like if you ignore a verruca!

Shelflife Sat 10-Jun-23 12:31:30

Do not worry about being rude , he is a menace! If you respond by phone , what's app or any other method of communication you are rewarding his behaviour, even if your response is very negative. Please do not appeal to his better nature by politely asking him to back off - men like him do not have a better nature!! Ignore , Ignore , Ignore. As a last resort, if despite you not having communication with him,
make it clear if he contacts you again you will involve the police. I don't mean as an idle threat either - act on it immediately by contacting the police. Don't be afraid, and most certainly do not worry about being rude to him !! He is a pest and his behaviour needs stopping. He is unsettling you and causing you anxiety and that is unacceptable. Keep us posted be brave and good luck 💐💐

Marydoll Sat 10-Jun-23 12:32:11


I also don’t think ghosting in these situations is wrong.

Ghosting just makes them more persistent!

Grandmabatty Sat 10-Jun-23 12:34:32

Shelf life thank you for your support. Fingers crossed he gets the message