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Unwanted contact

(49 Posts)
Grandmabatty Sat 10-Jun-23 11:12:15

A couple of months ago my oldest friend died. She had asked for a small group of us to be with her at the end, one of whom was her ex husband. I have known him since we were teenagers. Frankly he behaved very badly to everyone who was there, including my friend's partner, and made everything about him. He was quite horrible to me on a few occasions too. Since then I have cut him off on Facebook but he is now phoning and leaving messages on WhatsApp. Yesterday he phoned five times. I find myself in the position of having to tell him to stop contacting me, but I'm struggling with wording it. I don't particularly want to be unpleasant as that's not who I am. However the message needs to be clear. Can anyone help me come up with a "stop contacting me, you idiot" message. I think he is very lonely and because he isn't a particularly nice man, he has alienated most of his friends, hence trying to keep in touch with me. I don't need or want him in my life in any capacity.

wildswan16 Sat 10-Jun-23 12:40:54

I hope he gets the message loud and clear. I think if I were you I would also be careful answering the door for a couple of months just in case .... . Hopefully he won't be that persistent. So sorry you have had to put up with all this after losing your friend.

Shelflife Sat 10-Jun-23 12:43:47

I wish you well Grandmabatty, in your situation I would be very disturbed. It was ok him wanting contact ..... However remember, any decent man would have taken the hint, respected that and left you alone. You are a nice kindly person and he is taking advantage of that - be strong , positive and determined. Easier said than done I recognize that but put your self first . The title of your post is ' Unwanted contact ' and it is quite simply that! Remember you are worth so much more than what is happening - you must do all you can to stop this, regardless of how long you have known him !

Baggs Sat 10-Jun-23 12:45:20


Baggs the trouble with this man is, I was ignoring him but he wasn't going away. A bit like if you ignore a verruca!

Hope something works, GB .

Grandmabatty Sat 10-Jun-23 12:46:12

Wildswan thank you. I've given a heads-up to a friend who was part of our group supporting our friend who died. She also was on the receiving end of his nasty comments. I wouldn't put it past him to contact her in an attempt to get to me. He's burnt lots of bridges unfortunately for him, by the way he has behaved. I could say a lot more but it would be inappropriate

VioletSky Sat 10-Jun-23 13:08:05

Whatever he does or says, don't respond

Anyone calling and messaging a person that amount without a response is guilty of harassment

Please remember you do not owe him an explanation and you never have to justify not wanting a relationship with someone.

It's not our job to explain to others what is problematic about their behaviour. The only time it is reasonable to do that is when you have a relationship you are happy to save. When you do not want a relationship explanations and talking just sends the message they can win you over and then sooner or later the same problem arises

Well done for standing your ground and keep those boundaries

Doodledog Sat 10-Jun-23 13:09:45

What do his messages say? Is he asking you to spend time with him?

Sorry - I know that you have taken action. I'm not ignoring that, and am just asking out of curiosity grin

Grandmabatty Sat 10-Jun-23 13:10:15

VioletSky good advice. Thank you

Baggs Sat 10-Jun-23 13:26:53

Another curiosity ask which is only a bit relevant – on the peripheries so to speak. What is the difference, if any, between ghosting and blocking?

Bella23 Sat 10-Jun-23 13:28:04

I agree being blunt and straight is the only way. Tell him you do not want him to contact you again.
He is not considering your feelings so forget his.
If he still ignores you threaten to go to the police, my mother had to do this when my father died. An offer of cutting grass suddenly turned into suggestive comments.

Grandmabatty Sat 10-Jun-23 13:29:35

Baggs. I think ghosting is where you just disappear from contact. They might still send messages or phone but you just don't answer. Blocking is active as you have to block their number or contact details.

Baggs Sat 10-Jun-23 13:50:05

Thanks, Gb. That makes sense.

The effect is the same for the person doing the ghosting or blocking though, is it not?

I set our landline some years ago to not ring when a certain bothersome person rang it. I feel this would fall into either category. From their end they still thought they were getting through; from my end I knew nothing about it. Eventually they stopped trying.

Mizuna Sat 10-Jun-23 14:34:12

A young friend went through this recently, tried to tell the much older widower of her close friend that she didn't want contact. He ignored her. Eventually she blocked him on her smartphone and fortunately he doesn't know where she lives. She felt awful doing it because he was newly bereaved, but he was pestering her.

Ages ago when I ran a business a client stalked and pestered me. In the end I closed my office for a few weeks and he stopped. When I reopened it the architects in the next door office kept a look out for him as he passed their door before mine. He seemed a 'nice' man and I hated what I had to do to deter him. I think these situations can force us to act against our nature but being what we see as harsh is what works.

Grandmabatty Sat 10-Jun-23 14:55:06

Mizuna it's more common than I thought.

JaneJudge Sat 10-Jun-23 15:02:18


Well I've sent a message saying stop contacting me as I find it intrusive, then I blocked him. I hope that's enough. Annsixty thank you. My voice is going now which many would say is a positive thing!😂

well done

Grandmabatty Sat 10-Jun-23 15:07:46

JaneJudge thank you

M0nica Sat 10-Jun-23 16:22:56

What is happening is stalking. Stop being Mrs Nice Guy and speak to the police.

Why are so many women unwilling to just confront events and deal with them? Why on earth should you want to be nice to this man, when he, himself is behaving so badly and stalking you - which is a crime.

The cause for his behaviour is in his charge, not yours.

Shelflife Sat 10-Jun-23 17:48:18

Ring thel police , before this gets out of hand It is hard to accept that you are actually being stalked- but you are ! Take care.

SachaMac Sat 10-Jun-23 18:04:51

You have done the right thing by blocking him, he sounds like a nasty manipulative man and he has no right to be hounding you. If you allowed him to carry on things would only get worse. Hopefully he will get the message now but he may move on to someone else so you are right to warn others in the group about him. I would save any nasty texts in case you ever have to report him to the police.

grandtanteJE65 Wed 28-Jun-23 15:17:47


Grandma Batty I have the same problem. What is it with lonely men? Friend died now her husband who has always been over familiar rings and wants to come and stay. My husband died 3 months ago.

To me it is quite clear what is going on.

These lonely men are looking for new sweethearts or wives.

As neither of you, Grandma Batty and Tinks are interested in their offers there is really only one thing to be done: tell them straight out that they are wasting their time and that you are not interested in keeping up the friendship.

If they persist report them to the police as stalkers.

Don't delete their messages, e-mails or whatever, and do go to the police and ask their advice, because what is going on may not legally constitute stalking but it could well turn into it.

As it is, you are both feeling uncomfortable in your own homes and no-one should have to put up with this.

Primrose53 Wed 28-Jun-23 15:33:38

Tell them straight as the previous poster says! My friend had to do that.. she is a divorcee and met a very polite, well educated older man at a charity she helps with. They chatted there and got on quite well but she wasn’t looking for a relationship.

She gave him her address as he had to drop off some charity leaflets before the next meeting. She is always out and about so missed him but he left them on her doorstep together with a note asking if they could go for coffee. Next meeting she agreed to have coffee with him but not for very long as she had to babysit her grandson. That went OK.

Then he started leaving flowers and chocs on her doorstep, then notes and she wondered if he was watching her house as he always came round when she was out. She found it creepy and disturbing so at the next meeting she returned the chocs and made it absolutely clear that she didn’t want him coming to her house and she didn’t want a relationship. She said he then stopped coming to the charity.

Grandmabatty Wed 28-Jun-23 15:38:58

I've returned to the thread to thank everyone who gave advice and support. He hasn't been in touch since I sent the message and blocked him on WhatsApp. I had blocked him on everything else previously. However he has latched onto one of the women in a small group of friends and has taken to dropping off jars of jam at her house. She is quite perplexed why and was asking if anyone had his phone number to thank him (that'll indicate how little they have been in touch.) I have not commented at all as I'm keeping out of it. He's obviously desperate for company. A lucky escape for me

Smileless2012 Wed 28-Jun-23 18:58:29

I'm glad you've got him off your back Grandmabatty and while I understand your desire to keep out of it, maybe a word of warning to this other lady might be an idea before she inadvertently encourages him, if she's able to get hold of his 'phone number.

Grandmabatty Wed 28-Jun-23 19:22:24

The other lady is happily married Smileless and one of my friends in the same WhatsApp group knows the history, so I'm sure she'll let her know, without my intervention. I'm going to see her next week and I'll check that she has.