Walking On Eggshells for Critical DIL

I've got 5 grandchildren, now adult, and I've never been given a lots of rules or requests...,ever.

I find it all a bit odd. 🤔

J916j916

Oh, additional side note...this isn't my first gbaby and completely opposite experience than the other. But I know no two are the same.

No, nor are DIL's or DD's! We have 5 families with children and we've looked after all of them at some point. So many different rules but so much love too.

mumofmadboys

I am not surprised you weren't asked again biglouis! As a parent I would have been very upset

Some people just do not like children but forget they were a child years ago.

I just need to continue to talk it through with my son

Not this! How is your son to deal with being piggy in the middle? Talk with BOTH of them.

If there is something they do not like then do not do/wear it - simples.

If you want to talk with them about what they are happy/not happy with then by all means do so - say you want to get it right - but talk to them both at once - and not in an aggrieved way.

It is your choice: listen to what they are saying or miss out of fun time with GC and sour your relationship with them all.

First rule of being a grandparent: do it the the parents' way and zip the lip!

I am not surprised you weren't asked again biglouis! As a parent I would have been very upset

Biglouis 😅
When our 3 boys were young we lived close to DGG. She was in her 80s and deaf .
She would mind the children if we were out for a short time like to see the school teacher at parents night
I came home to hear the baby screaming, the boys yelling and the TV volume up high
"They were no bother" said grannie "baby didn't stir"

I am child free by choice and have never in my life bathed or change a baby.

Many years ago I (very reluctantly) agreed to "watch" a neighbours baby while she went for an interview. She did not leave me any instructions nor did I ask for any. I told her to put the carry cot on the bed in the bedroom and off she went. I wondered what she would do if she got the job and decided that I was NOT going to be the default babysitter.

When she returned she asked if he had been ok. I told her that yes he had woken up and cried a bit but I just turned up the TV. I was never asked to babysit again.

OP, I hope you will find a way through, and that your son and DIL will appreciate your moving to be near them and value the help you give them. I expect they will, and I think your DIL will take a more relaxed approach in time, especially if she has more babies.

Allsorts

Afraid I think this is a wind up abd the silly comments about
having to shower and wash hair after sitting next to someone who smelt of perfume, no one would consider doing that of sound mind.if Some Sundays must be boring for some people I guess.

People are different. Some have better senses of smell than others. The fact that you don’t understand why Lathyrus would want to have a shower after having to be near another person smelling strongly of perfume does not mean that Lathyrus is not ‘of sound mind’. There is no need to be unpleasant.

They actually asked us if we could move here. We don't do this for the accolades, but it us a long jump from accolades to criticism.
I appreciate everyone's input. I know we all come from different places.

Bath and body works is in the strong side of perfume wise

As for the quality of their products... no comment

The son and dil have the right to approve creams, deodorants, etc

Allegies, eczema, sensitive skin, etc., is very much a problem for some people.

No teacher in my daycare wears anthing that could irritate any children

I hope the move was also ok with your dil.

You made the changes you wanted to make, in fact, you have a close relationship with your son and gc. Isn't that enough?

How much more would you want to be appreciated?

I am fortunate to have raised sons that I can openly communicate with. I only have sons. I told my DILs from the beginning that I did not have a good relationship with my MIL and hoped we would have a beautiful one. They know I feel so blessed my sons have such wonderful women to share their lives with. This is the first bump of significance we have had. I will note they are also having issues along these lines with other family members.
We retired and moved here to be close to them and live by them as they began their family. All other family live in other cities or states. So much is at stake there has to be a way to work through this. Just when I think we have got on a good footing something else hits. We just want to love on our gbaby and enjoy him. At this point I guess I just need to continue to talk it through with my son. If it gets bigger it will have to be a group chat. I'm not willing to jeopardize my ability to be in his life. We made a lot of changes and life choices to even get here. I hope someday they can see that and possibly appreciate it somewhat.

J916j916

All soaps and detergents are on the approved list. I mean it when I say I have really made the effort to work with them.

I do hope your daughter in-law and son calm down a bit soon and you can happily carry on caring for your grandchild.

They would certainly struggle to find professional childcare that would be able to take all their requirements on board!
Can you imagine a childminder having to tell the parents of the other children they look after that only certain laundry detergents are acceptable for their own children's clothes, as they would be in contact with the baby?
It would be impossible to enable that level of control 🙄

So do tell us what you have decided to do j916 .

All soaps and detergents are on the approved list. I mean it when I say I have really made the effort to work with them.

Oh, additional side note...this isn't my first gbaby and completely opposite experience than the other. But I know no two are the same.

To be fair, if you have a baby with colic, position might be important. My husband cannot stand the smell of vanilla so he would understand the problem. I am sure things will settle down eventually. The first day my daughter in law turned up she had a list as long as your arm and every now and again I would do something innocently just to find it was a no, no. By the end of my baby caring, it had all become much more relaxed.

Lotion and antiperspirant on the "approved" list? Heavens. DD never tried that one with me - she also didn't complain (or notice probably) if either GS had lipstick kisses on their heads. Having bottle and breast fed my children I've never been aware of a "wrong" position for bottle feeding - perhaps my babies hadn't read the right books. As for the smell - when my GSs were small they liked the fact that they knew when I had arrived because they could smell my perfume.

Well so it is for real!
Thanks for your explanation j916j916

The smell of fabric conditioner or detergents can both be overpowering. Just walk down that aisle in a supermarket or visit a nursery.
You should be able to buy natural products without perfume.

I wondered if it might have been the washing powder/detergent you use to be honest...
I can smell the one my daughter-in-law likes if I pass someone on the street!

Glad you tracked it down!
Hope things go more smoothly soon.

Thank you all for your input. It has given me a lot to think about. In regards to the smell, when we are going to watch the baby I don't ever wear any perfume, my lotion is on the approved list, and my antiperspirant is as well. I list that one because he sleeps in my arms and I thought it might be that. I was trying to think of what it .might possibly be. I am very smell sensitive which made it harder for me and probably hit harder too. My son and gbaby came over yesterday, dil had work. I flat out told him his comment had really bothered me. Tell me, do I stink? Does my house smell? I mean, geeze, let's figure it out as we want what's best for our sweet baby. He said no! Of course not. If he had to describe it, it smelled like a faint, warm vanilla. Huh?? Ok, now I was stumped. We traced it down to the shower wash I use. Seriously. So, if you want good shower wash, use Bath and Body works. The examples I gave were just a smattering of things that go on. I know first time parents can be tough, I know keeping a good family relationship is paramount. This smell comment was just the last twist on this Nana's heart. I really appreciate the responses. Some of you were totally wrong (the ones that disagreed with me...just kidding) all points of view were very helpful!

Callistemon

V3ra I wouldn't either - but family (such as my sons) would definitely be "frank" if it was my home!

We have a relative who wears a strong perfume, uses a lot of air freshener and never opens a window.
Anything and everything of ours picks up that smell when we visit and goes straight in the wash when we get home 😷
I would never tell them though...

Grammaretto

I think it may be a wind up. The OP hasn't been back have they?
It's certainly got us all worked up.

Do you smell a rat?

Sorry for the pun.