I’ve done all I can to help cannot, afford anymore 🤦‍♀️ And I’d like to add, she has never asked me for a penny. It’s what I’ve offered.

A bit harsh and curt...

Thank you all very much..💐💐💐💐

Eventually, she and the children will be out of this mess. That will be something to celebrate.


Try not to resent it if the outcome is unfair (I think it will be, sadly) as he is obviously a bully, lacking empathy and has deep pockets.

Remember how much she will gain by being away from this poisonous man.
Focus on rebuilding a new life.
We are all hoping it's soon over and as fair as possible financially.

(Lastly, if it should ever be a matter for police, or SSD, keeping this information is crucial. I'm not saying it would come to this, it did for me, and I hadn't collected the info when first needed, it hadn't occurred)
Ex wrote letter to my solicitor etc saying all kinds of stuff about me and that along with the information I then collected I feel might have been part of what she used "informally".

Yes, definitely keep all and every record.. I got a sound recorder on my phone and have every single WhatsApp message. Unfortunately I didn't get a recorder for phone calls - I advise she does, if they have to phone re children.

But you are aware if its a No Blame divorce the coercive side isn't part of her armoury as such between them,

but he might give away relevant things re money or children that could be useful. also shaming.

Also, maybe more important than those things, she can show people what gone on to get comfort and support and strength

Wyllow3

I think she is very frightened.
I think she wants to get out as quickly as possible and he knows that.

Shinamae, I'd say that my solicitor was actively supportive, a competent and kind woman, (and cunning) would you say hers was adequately supportive? Could make the difference. she des sound very alone - has she got friends/contacts of her own to support?

Was there coercive abuse?

Because domestic abuse agencies can be supportive on that even if its only talking it over with her.

I honestly don’t know anything about her solicitor, like I said before when we used to discuss it l used to get angry about him and that used to upset her so I decided not to ask her very much at all and to wait for her to tell me..
She does have a network of friends up there, but obviously I would like her to come back here to live, but she won’t because she doesn’t want to upset the children’s schooling and she has made a life for herself up there 🤷‍♀️
I don’t think there was physical abuse, but I think there was certainly an amount of mental cruelty, which is certainly going on now

Devorgilla

Your daughter needs to keep more to herself about the settlement and not 'promise' she won't go after this or that. She's entitled to a fair settlement, and so are the children.
I'd add to the advice Lathyrus gives about keeping all, any emails from you/him re arrangements for children he then breaks and, if any, all emails abusive to her. The more information she has that she can prove the better.

She is keeping records of everything. As far as I know I even told her not to even speak to him on the phone. She could do it through text or email, and then she would have a record of what he says to her because he can be very spiteful.

Your daughter needs to keep more to herself about the settlement and not 'promise' she won't go after this or that. She's entitled to a fair settlement, and so are the children.
I'd add to the advice Lathyrus gives about keeping all, any emails from you/him re arrangements for children he then breaks and, if any, all emails abusive to her. The more information she has that she can prove the better.

I’m with Wyllow. It’s unkind and inaccurate to accuse women in this situation of being bad. Coercive control, alongside societal expectations often result in women/mothers being seen as ‘too reasonable’

I think she is very frightened.
I think she wants to get out as quickly as possible and he knows that.

Shinamae, I'd say that my solicitor was actively supportive, a competent and kind woman, (and cunning) would you say hers was adequately supportive? Could make the difference. she des sound very alone - has she got friends/contacts of her own to support?

Was there coercive abuse?

Because domestic abuse agencies can be supportive on that even if its only talking it over with her.

Hithere

If she chooses not to advocate for herself and the kids - her bad

Nothing you can do

I really resent that remark,she is doing what she is doing to try and protect her children from all this.she might not be going about it the way you or I would but she is doing it her way and she is not” bad”

Namsnanny

crazyH

Shiname you have, unwittingly, mentioned her name - try and edit your post or ask GN to remove your post

Did you see this post Shiname?

I’ve done that now, thank you.

I have contacted Gransnet and they have replaced my daughter’s name and thank you all so much for your advice. I do get very upset but know am powerless ….😢

Oh dear, Shinamae its not even a matter of playing dirty - its matter of whats fair and pension wise legally hers to have, I see your dilemma now if DD won't give her solicitor instructions as to others good advice above.

My solicitor was wonderful. She knew how to play the situation to its best advantage. In the end she made his solicitor realise to advise my Ex to accept the deal as she was well on top of any games he tried to play finance wise.
but you see, no kids

Glorianny

Your daughter needs a better solicitor. One who plays hard ball. A friend had a husband who delayed all the financial stuff. Her solicitor threatened to freeze his assets if he didn't cooperate, he soon cooperated. She may want to make things equal, but sometimes you have to get tough, she can always be magnanimous once he's revealed everything.

Unfortunately it isn’t that easy to change solicitors when you’re in deeply and have paid out so much, unless your pockets are deep. I stupidly thought it could be done amicably and chose my solicitor accordingly. I was wrong but couldn’t afford to change horses once he dug his heels in. Had I known how difficult he would make things I would have instructed a different solicitor, a woman who was known for being very aggressive. I guess we all hope things will be better than they actually turn out to be. Lord knows I knew well enough what a b*stard he was but I hoped that for the sake of our child he would behave like an adult. How wrong I was.

Germanshepherdsmum

They will.

That's right. My good friend's now ex husband played really dirty during their divorce, a divorce instigated by him because he met someone else. He made life really difficult after the divorce too, but my friend never said bad word about him to their children. As the children grew older they saw him for what he is, and now as young adults they barely see him.

If she chooses not to advocate for herself and the kids - her bad

Nothing you can do

Glorianny

Your daughter needs a better solicitor. One who plays hard ball. A friend had a husband who delayed all the financial stuff. Her solicitor threatened to freeze his assets if he didn't cooperate, he soon cooperated. She may want to make things equal, but sometimes you have to get tough, she can always be magnanimous once he's revealed everything.

Believe me, I have told her she’s got to get tough but I can’t say anymore because she just gets upset so I have to leave it to her. I know he has a very good pension ahead of him and she has even said she won’t go anywhere near his pension if he is fair with her, it’s not getting her very far 🤦‍♀️

Your daughter needs a better solicitor. One who plays hard ball. A friend had a husband who delayed all the financial stuff. Her solicitor threatened to freeze his assets if he didn't cooperate, he soon cooperated. She may want to make things equal, but sometimes you have to get tough, she can always be magnanimous once he's revealed everything.

Madgran77

*To be honest, I’m not really bothered about her name being mentioned it’s a very common name but thanks for your concern 💐*

Yes it is a common name but you are also giving details that make the family pretty easily identifiable to anyone who knows them /you. As long as you dont mind thats ok, but I hope your daughter/ex SIL dont mind either?? I do sympathise..a miserable situation for your daughter, your grandchildren and you

Hmmm you might be right but I dont want to delete the thread 🤷‍♀️

To be honest, I’m not really bothered about her name being mentioned it’s a very common name but thanks for your concern 💐

Yes it is a common name but you are also giving details that make the family pretty easily identifiable to anyone who knows them /you. As long as you dont mind thats ok, but I hope your daughter/ex SIL dont mind either?? I do sympathise..a miserable situation for your daughter, your grandchildren and you

Shinamae

In fact, I very rarely ask her about it now. I wait for her to volunteer information. However, when she came back from holiday I did ask if there was any progress and she said that his mother had said they were putting a financial statement together and would be sending it over to my daughter Solicitor, but whether they have who knows 🤷‍♀️
It is so unfair that he is able to drag his feet like this. I know he did go to mediation but wasn’t impressed by it!..

Ah, so they are in the financial sorting stage still. If husband are getting together the financial statement then your DD will be getting hers together and going over husbands with a fine tooth comb to work out if he has declared ALL his assets and your DD's should show a considerable difference and presuming she has a good solicitor she should be able to claim a fair division..

Many many sympathies for you all because he's behaving abusively and childishly and using the children in a disgusting way xx

I'm presuming it's a No Blame divorce? Has the Separation part been concluded or is that too still under discussion?

GSM is right - every letter, phone call, and court application takes money....but it the court is involved at every stage, needs must - there are delays from the court as well, meaning solicitors have to spend time trying to hassle the court. No way round that.

Callistemon21

Shinamae

Hetty58

Shinamae, please don't criticise their father when they are around. Kids know that they are a bit like their mum - and like their dad too - and tend to love both parents. So - he's being difficult, same old story, best to ignore all you can and concentrate on the practicalities - and enjoying time together, despite the circumstances. It's just a phase, after all.

I don’t! I wasn’t clear, all my “thoughts” about him, stay in my head.
She lives a long way from me..

Depending on how old they are, children aren't stupid.
You can try to shield them, don't speak ill of their father but they will make up their own minds.

They are four and six.
And in the past, my daughter has told me that when the children are with him he says because mummy left me you have to live in a pokey little flat and you could be living in this lovely house if we were still together 🤦‍♀️ (this to a 4 and 6 year old!)
Also, if the children are staying with him she likes to speak to them before they go to sleep and he won’t let them ring her, when she rings the house he says they don’t wanna speak to you! And she won’t push it because she doesn’t want to upset the children,he on the other hand is completely weaponising them.. I know she is logging all these instances, but it makes it so heartbreaking for her and I know in time the children will come to their own conclusion, but they are so young at the moment..😭

They will.

Shinamae

Hetty58

Shinamae, please don't criticise their father when they are around. Kids know that they are a bit like their mum - and like their dad too - and tend to love both parents. So - he's being difficult, same old story, best to ignore all you can and concentrate on the practicalities - and enjoying time together, despite the circumstances. It's just a phase, after all.

I don’t! I wasn’t clear, all my “thoughts” about him, stay in my head.
She lives a long way from me..

Depending on how old they are, children aren't stupid.
You can try to shield them, don't speak ill of their father but they will make up their own minds.