Gransnet forums

Relationships

I’ve done all I can to help cannot, afford anymore 🤦‍♀️ And I’d like to add, she has never asked me for a penny. It’s what I’ve offered.

(46 Posts)
Shinamae Mon 07-Aug-23 23:09:37

My daughter has been going through the divorce process for over the last year, her ex is making it as difficult for as possible for as he can
My daughter has a good job.and is earning good money but has just had a £10,000 credit card to pay for solicitors
He on the other hand has a better job and rich parents behind him
He has kept the fabulous four Bedroom house and my daughter and her 2 children are living in a two bedroom flat to rent which is £1400 a month. He is just playing hardball he’s had a divorce before and ended up giving the house everything to that wife, but my daughter is not asking for everything she just wants a reasonable settlement
He is just making it as hard as possible for her and it breaks my heart. I have took out a loan which I made a gift to her at £5000, but in the situation is that money doesn’t go far it’s so unfair I could weep for her,,

I could weep for her.
He even has them half the time so he doesn’t have to pay maintenance, but in fact it’s his mother that has them. Just so bloody unfair..

Callistemon21 Mon 07-Aug-23 23:35:50

I would say that the solicitor has not earned that money and the bill should be queried.

How come the mother and two children have had to move out of the family home while he is still living there?
That cannot be right.

Summerlove Mon 07-Aug-23 23:43:32

Callistemon21

I would say that the solicitor has not earned that money and the bill should be queried.

How come the mother and two children have had to move out of the family home while he is still living there?
That cannot be right.

I assume she had to move as she couldn’t afford it on her own.

As far as 50/50 that’s usually what’s best for the kids to keep touch with both sides, even if it’s with his mother.

I’m so sorry your daughter is struggling

crazyH Mon 07-Aug-23 23:45:10

Shiname you have, unwittingly, mentioned her name - try and edit your post or ask GN to remove your post

maddyone Mon 07-Aug-23 23:48:42

Shinamae
You have my total sympathy and understanding. Our daughter is going through a difficult divorce and has an ex husband who controlled her and continues to try to control her now they’re separated. I won’t say too much more on here but I do understand your anguish because I feel the same. We are also helping our daughter because he refuses to pay what he has been told he has to pay. She still finds it difficult to stand up to him, but gradually, day by day, she’s getting there. Your daughter will too, but it’s early days for your daughter and mine, and there’s a long path in front of them both.

Shinamae Mon 07-Aug-23 23:53:32

Callistemon21

I would say that the solicitor has not earned that money and the bill should be queried.

How come the mother and two children have had to move out of the family home while he is still living there?
That cannot be right.

It’s an ongoing case and she's paying £300 here and there for a solicitors letter so much more to get him in the court, but he’s just dragging his feet and making it as difficult as possible. It really should never be allowed
From what my daughter says, when the children come home from staying with him, he is dripping poison into their ears about her. I will say one thing about my daughter, she will never badmouth their father .Me on the other hand. 🤬🤬🤬🤬!! I have advised her to do my diary on won’t be around that happened like them last week. She took the kids away to St Ives for a week and he was meant to have them for the weekend when they arrived back all of a sudden he rang up and said I can’t have them ,it’s always happening and this is not an isolated incident. He does it a lot.

*Post edited by MNHQ*

Namsnanny Tue 08-Aug-23 00:03:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hetty58 Tue 08-Aug-23 00:05:18

Shinamae, please don't criticise their father when they are around. Kids know that they are a bit like their mum - and like their dad too - and tend to love both parents. So - he's being difficult, same old story, best to ignore all you can and concentrate on the practicalities - and enjoying time together, despite the circumstances. It's just a phase, after all.

maddyone Tue 08-Aug-23 00:06:02

Shiname
It’s too late to do it now and these situations are very complicated so I will PM you tomorrow.

Hithere Tue 08-Aug-23 01:13:54

"He is just playing hardball he’s had a divorce before and ended up giving the house everything to that wife, but my daughter is not asking for everything she just wants a *reasonable settlement*"

That is the biggest mistake in a divorce, not shooting for the stars

biglouis Tue 08-Aug-23 01:42:49

When my husband and I divorced (mutual consent) we were living in a rented flat of which I was the leaseholder so he moved out. No kids so we each took out what we had brought into the marriage.

I never re-married or had kids because it seems like a pretty shitty lifestyle. Even shittier to get out of.

fancythat Tue 08-Aug-23 07:16:11

I feel for you. And others like you.
It is unfair.

I only hear 2nd hand from a friend, of her relative's experience of much the same thing.
Their troubles are further along.
Ex DH also drips poison. He also doesnt even turn up to half the court cases. Doesnt pay money even when court has ordered it. etc etc.
I dont know enough about it all to know how things could be improved.

Iam64 Tue 08-Aug-23 08:03:01

Your daughter is trying to be reasonable because she’s focussed on the needs of her children. She knows children benefit when separated parents effectively co-parent. It sounds as though he’s wanting that but also to control and maintain the lifestyle.
Surely the 4 bed should be sold or he should buy her out. It’s usual for the children to remain in what was their family home. Is that his end game, to have them with him the bulk of the time

The family court will take a dim view of him not attending. Mediation is usually the first step, unless domestic violence/coercive control involved

Wyllow3 Tue 08-Aug-23 08:37:29

I have just been through a divorce last year.

Under the new No Blame divorce procedure which started April 4th 2022.

It was in 2 parts: the separation, and the financials.

When one person drags their heels it's usually court fees that rack the costs up as instead for example of the husband not signing the separation papers they have to be served by the court.

But on the financiaL settlement both parties have to fill in a form declaring their full assets and

an equal and fair division of assets is usually what the court finally looks for when those forms go forward before passing the final decision on money.

My solicitor made sure that Ex's future assets (ie inheritance expectations) got mentioned.

But even without that I'm therefore surprised at the results as the O/P's case was far from fair after both providing full information on assets.

However children were not involved, and I'm not sure if he managed to wangle money on that basis?

Smileless2012 Tue 08-Aug-23 09:02:28

This is a terrible situation Shinamae and I don' understand why your DD is in such a difficulties. If the house is in joint names and she can't afford to live there with the children, surely either her estranged husband buys her out or the house needs to be sold.

Maintenance may be reduced because he has the children 50%of the time but I'm surprised he doesn't have to pay anything at all, especially as he earns more than she does and she's having to pay rent.

I agree with Callistemon regarding your D's solicitors bill and would definitely query it. Unless there have been significant changes to the law regarding divorce where there are minors, this just doesn't sound right.

Germanshepherdsmum Tue 08-Aug-23 09:21:30

I sympathise. My ex made our divorce as difficult, long winded and expensive as he could, with no concern for our child’s wellbeing and future. He said he would bankrupt me and did his best. The longer it’s dragged out, the more your daughter’s solicitor has to chase things up, the more costly it is. I can only say that it will eventually come to an end but when one party is determined to make things difficult it’s a wretched business. Just hang in there and try not to speak ill of the father in front of the children, though I know from my own experience that you could probably cheerfully murder him. And for goodness sake don’t borrow more money. You say your daughter is earning good money so maybe she can take out a bank loan to pay the legal fees.
Callistemon, the solicitor’s bill will detail how much time has been spent - he isn’t a magician and can’t make the husband play ball. If the husband is being deliberately difficult then a lot more time will have been spent than if he were cooperative. Every letter/email/phone call costs money.

Lathyrus Tue 08-Aug-23 09:37:32

Just to say she needs to document everything for herself.

When the children were with his mother not him, when he was supposed to have them and didn’t, anything he buys them that he might say was extra maintenance, anything detrimental said that they come back with a detailed diary in fact with times and dates.

It’s easy to get confused about what exactly has happened when an unexpected challenge arises.

Please don’t say anything about him to the kids. He might be documenting stuff too.

Shinamae Tue 08-Aug-23 10:49:34

crazyH

Shiname you have, unwittingly, mentioned her name - try and edit your post or ask GN to remove your post

To be honest, I’m not really bothered about her name being mentioned it’s a very common name but thanks for your concern 💐

Shinamae Tue 08-Aug-23 10:53:59

Hetty58

Shinamae, please don't criticise their father when they are around. Kids know that they are a bit like their mum - and like their dad too - and tend to love both parents. So - he's being difficult, same old story, best to ignore all you can and concentrate on the practicalities - and enjoying time together, despite the circumstances. It's just a phase, after all.

I don’t! I wasn’t clear, all my “thoughts” about him, stay in my head.
She lives a long way from me..

Shinamae Tue 08-Aug-23 11:00:19

In fact, I very rarely ask her about it now. I wait for her to volunteer information. However, when she came back from holiday I did ask if there was any progress and she said that his mother had said they were putting a financial statement together and would be sending it over to my daughter Solicitor, but whether they have who knows 🤷‍♀️
It is so unfair that he is able to drag his feet like this. I know he did go to mediation but wasn’t impressed by it!..

Callistemon21 Tue 08-Aug-23 11:16:22

Just hang in there and try not to speak ill of the father in front of the children, though I know from my own experience that you could probably cheerfully murder him
I do know the feeling, although it wasn't one of my own DC, it was someone I love dearly.
I hear so many other stories too.
What makes a man so bitter and nasty that he'd harm his own children in order to get one over on his ex-wife?

Callistemon21 Tue 08-Aug-23 11:18:44

Shinamae

Hetty58

Shinamae, please don't criticise their father when they are around. Kids know that they are a bit like their mum - and like their dad too - and tend to love both parents. So - he's being difficult, same old story, best to ignore all you can and concentrate on the practicalities - and enjoying time together, despite the circumstances. It's just a phase, after all.

I don’t! I wasn’t clear, all my “thoughts” about him, stay in my head.
She lives a long way from me..

Depending on how old they are, children aren't stupid.
You can try to shield them, don't speak ill of their father but they will make up their own minds.

Germanshepherdsmum Tue 08-Aug-23 11:21:46

They will.

Shinamae Tue 08-Aug-23 11:29:04

Callistemon21

Shinamae

Hetty58

Shinamae, please don't criticise their father when they are around. Kids know that they are a bit like their mum - and like their dad too - and tend to love both parents. So - he's being difficult, same old story, best to ignore all you can and concentrate on the practicalities - and enjoying time together, despite the circumstances. It's just a phase, after all.

I don’t! I wasn’t clear, all my “thoughts” about him, stay in my head.
She lives a long way from me..

Depending on how old they are, children aren't stupid.
You can try to shield them, don't speak ill of their father but they will make up their own minds.

They are four and six.
And in the past, my daughter has told me that when the children are with him he says because mummy left me you have to live in a pokey little flat and you could be living in this lovely house if we were still together 🤦‍♀️ (this to a 4 and 6 year old!)
Also, if the children are staying with him she likes to speak to them before they go to sleep and he won’t let them ring her, when she rings the house he says they don’t wanna speak to you! And she won’t push it because she doesn’t want to upset the children,he on the other hand is completely weaponising them.. I know she is logging all these instances, but it makes it so heartbreaking for her and I know in time the children will come to their own conclusion, but they are so young at the moment..😭

Wyllow3 Tue 08-Aug-23 11:53:03

Shinamae

In fact, I very rarely ask her about it now. I wait for her to volunteer information. However, when she came back from holiday I did ask if there was any progress and she said that his mother had said they were putting a financial statement together and would be sending it over to my daughter Solicitor, but whether they have who knows 🤷‍♀️
It is so unfair that he is able to drag his feet like this. I know he did go to mediation but wasn’t impressed by it!..

Ah, so they are in the financial sorting stage still. If husband are getting together the financial statement then your DD will be getting hers together and going over husbands with a fine tooth comb to work out if he has declared ALL his assets and your DD's should show a considerable difference and presuming she has a good solicitor she should be able to claim a fair division..

Many many sympathies for you all because he's behaving abusively and childishly flowers and using the children in a disgusting way xx

I'm presuming it's a No Blame divorce? Has the Separation part been concluded or is that too still under discussion?

GSM is right - every letter, phone call, and court application takes money....but it the court is involved at every stage, needs must - there are delays from the court as well, meaning solicitors have to spend time trying to hassle the court. No way round that.