Family Loss of daughters partner due to break up

When my first husband left me I received a lovely letter from his aunt, who we often stayed with. It was a very difficult time for me and it really helped to know that someone was thinking of me. Although I have never had contact with him or his family since I have never forgotten that small act if kindness.

When my ex and I broke up, after many years together, my parents, family members and our friends all kept in touch with him.

Didn't bother me in the least - they'd all known each other a very long time.🙂

I agree with OddOne. It depends on the circumstances and you should obviously discuss what you do and how you feel with your DD.

If my DMiL hadn’t interfered many, many years ago, DH and I would have broken up. But she did a bit of counselling and all was well. For which I was eternally grateful. What does your DD want you to do?

I don't understand all the, "You must not contact her!" comments. Very puzzling. You are an adult, you are allowed to decide for yourself who who want to be in contact with. Of course, it depends on the reason for the break up, to some extent. If the partner cheated, then no, I wouldn't stay in contact. But if its just a natural ending of the relationship, albeit, one that your DD isn't haapy about, then I can't see a problem. I'm still friends with one of my DD's ex-g/f's. We always got along well, and had similar interests. No, my daughter doesn't like it but I decide who I'm friends with. We don't chat often, and I never discuss my DD with her. She's in a new relationship now and seems very happy. I was also friends with an ex-g/f of my DS. He was fine with that, had no problem at all. They did reignite their relationship after a few years, and I was very happy for them. However, she ended up cheating on him and the broke up again. At that point my DS did ask that I not talk to her anymore, but to be honest I had no intention of doing so again anyway, after what she had done. So yes, it totally depends on the reasons behind the break up. Looking at it from the other side, I would never order my kids not to speak to one of my exes (ironically, my DD is still very friendly with one of my exes, despite not wanting me to have the same freedom). At the end of the day, what right do I have to dictate who they can and cannot talk to? And that should work both ways....

I am with those who say that a kindly 'goodbye' note would help. You certainly don't need to enter into any reasons - simply say that you have enjoyed her being part of your family and wish her well.
In my world this is not really any business of your daughter's! You had a relationship with her partner independently, you can be sad it is coming to an end. As long as you make it clear that this is 'goodbye' then I think it will help you. And even if she is right, and has good reasons to end the relationship, she will be feeling fragile and a kind note will be helpful.
I have another story to add to the 'they appreciated it' posts. Our son and his GF got back together, about a year after their break-up. The 'sad goodbye' note that we sent, and she replied to was so helpful when we met again - recognising what was good in our relationship with her. That was 15 years ago, and they remain a solid couple.

I can’t understand why you can’t stay in touch with DD’s ex partner. It doesn’t mean you’re taking sides but your relationship with your DD’s ex hasn’t broken down and it sounds as though you are fond of each other. Surely you can keep in touch, meet for a coffee sometimes and maintain your own relationship with her. I can’t imagine why that would upset your DD

I’m devestated by my daughters divorce from her husband …..after 15 years. But I still see my son in law …I love him dearly….he treats me better than my own children do . I wouldn’t see my two grandkids if he didn’t insist on bringing them to me when he has the children ….they share custody on a weekly basis and live just one mile from each other. The kids walk from house to house and seem to be thriving in this situation ….and I refuse to oust my ex son in law from my life . Their situation works for them but as another poster says ….we are the hidden victims. Don’t contact her unless your daughter ok’s it. My daughter is ok with me staying in touch with mine , because that’s what the kids want. So far so good.!

When my brother in law left my sister it hurt the whole family.. He did not behave at all well and it was completely out of character for someone myself, my mother and my father had grown to love. Sadly we had to realise that there was a whole side to him that we did not know and that went for my sister too. We obviously no longer had anything to do with him but it hurt us all. Some years later my sister was lucky enough to meet a wonderful man who is the real thing; my late parents loved him and I count myself fortunate to have such a fantastic brother in law.

Omg that’s a definite Nono we’re all had daughter inlaw gf etc that we got on well with but as soon has our kids have split up with them or them split with our kids we have to say that was a good chapter let’s see what the next one is like. I’d remove the photos too and Your child should always come first before someone else’s child

We were absolutely devastated when DD & her husband split up after being together 11 years & married for 7. We didn't really see it coming & it felt like a bereavement. It took me months to come to terms with it. The split was at DD's instigation - they were drifting apart after 3 unsuccessful IVF attempts. Looking back, I can see her unhappiness & now she has found her soul mate who we can see is perfect for her, we can see why her husband wasn't really The One, despite being a thoroughly nice man. He was gutted when they split & went through a very dark patch through which we supported him & we are still in touch. I'm glad he has also found happiness with a delightful girl and her young son - he makes a lovely dad.

I was terribly upset when our DD female partner broke up with her and they were engaged and planning a family and actually lived with us for the last two years of their relationship. I missed her terribly and was very sad until I knew the reasons (she was already seeing someone else! Also emptied the joint savings account) I stopped missing her and was just relieved it was now and not when they had a mortgage and children ! As it is we still have daughter living here plus 3 mini sausages !! DD has met another lovely girl now and it’s early days but this one is a professional cook, specialising in pastry cheffing and the number of amazing cakes and desserts appearing us mind blowing and on Sunday she’s making us all home made burgers, whilst planning her next treat for us, Roast Beef !!

Only you know how close your relationship with this partner was or became over the years. If it was strong and warm you have a chance that you could stay in touch with her. If she ever contacts you.

I myself stayed in touch with parents of a fiancé that I broke up with… somehow it turned out I liked them more than him! I was the daughter they never had. It was sweet and nurturing until they both died.

Try sending a Christmas card if you ever obtain her new address. If she responds you can take it from there. Your daughter may be upset(?) - that was her choice, this is yours. But don’t grind it in to her.

It can be that way.
USA Gundy

If you are friendly with her parents you could always write to them. Just say you are sorry that the relationship had come to an end and how much you will miss their daughter, who had become part of the family. You would always be happy to hear from her in the future at some point if she wished to get in touch and you wish them all well.

When My ex and I separated I stayed in contact with my in-laws as they were my children's grandparents. The first couple of years I had Christmas day with my children then was invited for boxing day with my in-laws, then the following year, Mil invited me as before then I was told I was uninvited. The blame was put on my ex's new partner despite the fact that she was not going to be there, but I suspect it was my ex's decision. I still see my MiL at family occasions and have visited her alone too as she is now quite frail and elderly and had no-one else, especially after lockdown as my ex couldn't be bothered to travel and I lived nearest although 70 miles away! I think my ex has some issues with me being around , probably because his mum can't stand his new partner, though I suspect he's glad I show her some care as he lives further away. I go by my MiL's feelings as I think he's rather neglectful of her! I guess it does rather alter things when there are GC involved and we had been married 19 years.

The only time I got upset with my mother keeping contact with my abusive ex was when she a/ kept telling my daughter and him that she would take her to see her Dad even though she knew why I had said she couldn't and b/ asked him to come to paint her house when she lives a couple of doors up from me. She was going to allow him to stay with her for a month whilst he did it which meant that he would have harassed me the whole time he was around.

Don't understand those saying don't contact her. I would say wait until the breakup is confirmed and then send a not or make a phone call to say how sorry you are about the break up and how much you will miss her presence in your life. If your daughter is amenable I would also suggest meeting up with her for a coffee sometime to catch up. Why should you lose someone you value because of a break up?

Hi there .
My Daughter was one of the first same sex marriage to get married but split up and divorced after ten years together ..Ivdid contact her although My DIL did loose a parent …Perhaps you could mention it to your Daughter but do mention to your Daughter first to gauge if she would be ok with it ?🙂😕

Completely agree with Mary2 post, we were upset when a member of our family split with their partner a few years ago but apart from wishing them the very best in the future and hoping they find happiness you have to let go, their relationship is their buisness and nothing to do with you, however much you thought of the partner, we put our feelings aside as it’s not about us.

We stayed in contact with my sister’s ex husband after their divorce but it was quite an amicable split in fact my sister and husband number 2 are good friends with husband number 1 and his wife so we see them all at family gatherings but I am not sure this is the norm

Similar situation here. My daughter splitting with husband. We are so sad. We grew to love him as a son. We still see him as he drops grandchildren off on days we have them and comes in for a cuppa.It’s devastating to see him so down. It’s her choice to leave but (no one else involved) she does seem happier. We are supportive of her and were hoping for reconciliation, but not to be. We are carrying on as normally as possible as we love them both. Bit of tightrope walking involved. To be honest haven’t asked her opinion she knows we see him and that he visits, but that’s our business isn’t it?

I’m still on friendly terms with several of my daughter’s previous boyfriends. So is my daughter….

MadeInYorkshire

sarahcyn

Not sure about all these people saying “do not contact the ex”. Is it really so very wrong to send the ex a friendly message saying how much you have valued her/them being a part of your family, you are sorry it’s over and respect the decision, but will always be glad to have known them and they’d always be welcome etc etc?

I agree and what Sarah put is really lovely ...

I agree. I think as long as you don't try to fix things or meddle, it is a nice thing to do. My ex husband visited my parents every once in a while if he was passing. He genuinely liked them and was certainly not interested in anything I was doing. I did not take umbrage at all.

sarahcyn

Not sure about all these people saying “do not contact the ex”. Is it really so very wrong to send the ex a friendly message saying how much you have valued her/them being a part of your family, you are sorry it’s over and respect the decision, but will always be glad to have known them and they’d always be welcome etc etc?

I agree and what Sarah put is really lovely ...

I don't see why you can't contact her. My ex husband was friendly with my parents an my brother and sister right up until he died. I too am friends with my daughter's ex husband, in fact he still calls me mum even though he is married with two more children. I also am friendly with ex boyfriends of my daugher too. It makes for a much more harmonious life all round.

sarahcyn

Not sure about all these people saying “do not contact the ex”. Is it really so very wrong to send the ex a friendly message saying how much you have valued her/them being a part of your family, you are sorry it’s over and respect the decision, but will always be glad to have known them and they’d always be welcome etc etc?

I wrote to the long time boyfriend that our daughter once had when they split up. He emailed back. One day about six months later he came to see us.