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My daughter is about to move to Australia...

(64 Posts)
Martine4444 Wed 30-Aug-23 22:35:45

... to live with her Aussie boyfriend, and I am completely heartbroken. They visited us those past two days, and will fly to Melbourne one week from now. We had a wonderful time during those two days, and I just can't believe that I may not see them for the next two years. I am really wondering why we try to build families if they are doomed to fall apart when the children are grown up. Why all this effort?

chicken Sat 02-Sep-23 11:43:03

It's so heartbreaking in the beginning, Martine, but things improve. My DS2 and his wife and children emigrated to Australia nearly 15 years ago and I was really upset, but now they are the ones to whom I'm closest. I am not in a position where I can visit them but I get frequent phone calls, messages and photos, and visits from DS and one or other of the 4 grandchildren quite often which is more than I do from those much nearer home! Just remember the old adage----"absence makes the heart grow

hilz Sat 02-Sep-23 11:51:48

Exciting time for her. Of course its hard letting go but luckily there are so many ways to keep in touch. You may feel a little fragile now and that I would of thought was perfectly natural but give her chance to fly we all only get to live life once after all.

Sue72 Sat 02-Sep-23 11:54:57

My daughter moved to Australia with two young grandchildren . She is married to an Australian. They came back after six years and now it’s his family that are missing them. I used to read bedtime stories on FaceTime! It is a sad time. I only visited once in the six years. Had planned to go more but she came home twice with the children for her two brothers weddings - but we paid their airfares. It’s something you will have to find a way to come to terms with. You’ve obviously done a good job raising her if she has the confidence to spread her wings in this way. Try not to make her feel guilty.

Bluesmum Sat 02-Sep-23 12:04:33

I can understand your heartache but please be glad for your daughter, Australia is such a wonderful country and she will have a fabulous future there. My only son has been in Australia for nearly 50 years, I visit every year now I am on my own and we FaceTime at least once a week, very often more frequently, I think we are as close as any other family I know, and you will be too. When you visit, take the direct flight to Perth from Heathrow (assuming you are in the UK), that goes on to Melbourne most times, it is a wonderful experience. Happy travels to you, stay positive xxx

storynanny Sat 02-Sep-23 12:30:49

It’s horrid at first but eventually it seems to become the norm
Eldest and family live in Asia ( 6 years) and middle has lived in USA for 18 years
I’m afraid it irritates me when people say “ oh how lovely to be able to go there on holiday”. In reality it’s not a holiday, it’s a few weeks of intense living catching up on everything that I do daily and weekly with my local children and grandchildren. Fitting in around their busy working and family lives. I don’t particularly enjoy it now but do enjoy the weekly FaceTimes.
Sorry if that came over negatively - I never let on you them how I feel as they are really happy and settled where they are.
Selfishly in private though I wish they were still in the Uk but I’d never tell them.
It does get easier over time to adjust to the situation.

Janburry Sat 02-Sep-23 12:31:32

I wish my daughter had emigrated, anywhere in the world would have been fine, l would love to face time, WhatsApp, anything, just to speak to her and see her beautiful face again 😢

silverlining48 Sat 02-Sep-23 12:50:08

Janburry flowers]

silverlining48 Sat 02-Sep-23 12:51:02

janburry flowers

Smileless2012 Sat 02-Sep-23 12:55:35

Janburry flowers

Susieq62 Sat 02-Sep-23 13:01:11

You have to let them fly and find their own way in life! You can keep in touch so easily now! I had to wait for light blue airmail letters when I lived there !!!

mokryna Sat 02-Sep-23 13:03:41

I completely understand how you are feeling. My daughter, husband and 2 DGDs, moved to Sydney in 2011. We used to Skype every week. Expensive in those days for them as the had to pay for each connected minute. I was, fortunately, able to visit them every year. However, after six years they returned back to France, (not my doing). So, you never know what the future holds but for the moment, and I know it must be difficult, smile and wish them well.

Cnash Sat 02-Sep-23 13:22:57

Mydaughter ( only child) went to Australia in 2010 with her Irish partner. It was heartbreaking but we kept in touch and they came here or we went there every year. They had a fabulous lifestyle. Lockdown and her father dying last year which she couldn’t get back for as she had a 3 week old baby and struggled to get a passport for changed her thinking and they came back to Ireland this Summer. I hope it is the right decision but don’t despair. Not the end of the world. Even if every 2 years it will be quality time

Philippa111 Sat 02-Sep-23 13:35:16

This may be you facing ‘empty nest syndrome’ in a new and more profound way. It’s more letting go . It’s fine to grieve and feel sad for a while. A natural and healthy response.

But in time you’ll see that you have brought up a courageous daughter who is embracing life and following her instincts with a man she loves . Well done you!
Your family is not breaking apart; things are changing. And as others have said you have so many ways of keeping in touch.

See if you can find some new interests and stimulating things to do.
It’s a time to be with friends and other family members who also love you.

And just allow yourself to cry if you need to. Be gentle with yourself.

grandtanteJE65 Sat 02-Sep-23 14:01:08

Families in our lifetime have purely been safe places for two adults or only one to raise children.

Very few of us who were children in the 1950s grew up knowing all our cousins, aunts, uncles, great-aunts and uncles or even living near our grandparents.

This pattern has continued during our adult lives. Most people do not any longer live all their life in the place where they were born.

Perhaps, you do OP and this is why your daughter moving so far away is hitting you so hard.

But you have only to read the estrangement thread on gransnet to realise that there are worse things than a loving daughter moving so far away. She might just have decided to cut you out of her life with no reason given, as others do these days.

I realise you are hurt right now, but had you honestly expected your daughter to stay near you for the rest of your life?

Pick yourself up from this hard knock and live your own life, which should not be centred around an adult child.

mabon1 Sat 02-Sep-23 14:01:17

Zoom. If you have close relationship you will not lose her. Your daughter has her own life to live, don't make it difficult for her.

jocork Sat 02-Sep-23 14:17:43

My DD recently moved to Dubai after being made redundant in the UK. I had mixed feelings about her going but with no jobs here being advertised she felt she had no choice. She hopes to save money and pay off her student loan and that the experience will get her a suitable job in the future back in the UK. Hopefully she'll have saved enough to set herself up well on her return. We talk most days on the phone and have video calls too. She moved into a flat today and I plan to visit for Christmas when we'll go away together, probably to Jordan, somewhere I missed out on going previously..

Having had my DS live abroad for 2 years I'm less worried this time, though he was in Europe and visited a few times. But DD lived in Scotland for over 5 years and that was quite a long way, especially during the pandemic when I couldn't visit. Having video calls makes a huge difference.

Callistemon21 Sat 02-Sep-23 14:30:11


Zoom. If you have close relationship you will not lose her. Your daughter has her own life to live, don't make it difficult for her.

Yes, I agree.
Don't make her feel guilty.

twiglet77 Sat 02-Sep-23 14:53:58

We are so lucky to have video calling easily accessible with FaceTime, WhatsApp or Skype. Pity the earlier generations - 30 years ago I didn’t have a mobile phone, let alone a smartphone or laptop, and 60 years ago my family didn’t even have a landline. Imagine waiting for a letter, and printed photos. Try to be thrilled for your daughter and her exciting move, instead of wallowing in self pity! Won’t you be looking forward to visiting her and seeing the other side of the world.

My son, his wife and toddler live in China, my brother in law is in Australia, so I really do have some understanding of how frustrating the distance can be.

phantom12 Sat 02-Sep-23 15:17:43

My son and his family went to live in Canberra 12 years ago. At the time our grandson was 3 and granddaughter only 11 weeks old. It was always on the cards that they might go as my daughter in law is Australian and had been over here for 10 years. We have been there 4 times and they have been back a couple of times. We skype every week but it is more difficult now the children are older and have lots of activities on. I do think that they are better off where they are with far more opportunities than they would have here. If anything with the times we have visited we have had more quality time with them than our grandchildren here.

Supergran1946 Sat 02-Sep-23 15:22:03

I just have one daughter, and two darling granddaughters.. Last year , after a few difficult years she remarried and moved to America. Yes, I was heartbroken to lose the family, but happy in the knowledge all three of them are now so happy in their new life. Thank goodness for Whatsapp and Facetime. It doesn’t replace a lovely hug, but it means we can still keep in touch

JennyCee Sat 02-Sep-23 17:32:19

Martine444. My daughter went to Oz promising it was going to be temporary. I too, like you was heartbroken, but she’s done so well, met a lovely Australia bloke and wont be returning to the UK. Once you go you will understand why.
Someone told me your children are borrowed - might be true!
You brought her up to be mature and independent - well done!

BlueBelle Sat 02-Sep-23 17:36:23

My son is with me at the moment from NZ it’s 8 years since we were together, it is what it is, we don’t love each other any the less He has to live the life he has chosen with my blessing children are not our possessions

BlueBelle Sat 02-Sep-23 17:37:06

He’s been there 26 years

JudyBloom Sat 02-Sep-23 17:44:44

I really feel for you Martine and yes although there is Whatsapp etc. it is not the same as being able to have real hugs. I hope you manage to get over to see your daughter before long. All the best.

Minerva Sat 02-Sep-23 18:50:13

The family doesn’t fall apart but if later on their life falls apart it is terrible to be so far away and unable to physically help. It was great when I was younger and in reasonable health and could fly out there for weeks at a time or pay for them to come over here but I am now too frail to make the journey and too on my uppers to pay for what is now a family of 6 to come over here.

A series of disasters hit them after 15 years of marriage and my daughter needed me more than ever. Our family won’t fall apart until I die and I prefer not to surmise what might happen after that. For the moment I support them as much as I can and we message into either her small hours or mine when she needs my strength to bolster hers.

You won’t stop being her parents Martine4444. You may like I did cry a lot at first but the world is smaller than when my cousins became £10 Poms - and soon returned to the U.K., 6 weeks on a boat. Perhaps had they had budget airlines and the internet they would have given it more of a chance. We have to let our children fly the nest but you will always be a part of their world and home to your daughter will still be where you are.