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My daughter is about to move to Australia...

(63 Posts)
Martine4444 Wed 30-Aug-23 22:35:45

... to live with her Aussie boyfriend, and I am completely heartbroken. They visited us those past two days, and will fly to Melbourne one week from now. We had a wonderful time during those two days, and I just can't believe that I may not see them for the next two years. I am really wondering why we try to build families if they are doomed to fall apart when the children are grown up. Why all this effort?

Hetty58 Wed 30-Aug-23 22:47:00

Martine4444, you can still keep in touch wherever she is. We use text, email, Zoom, Facebook etc. bearing in mind the time difference (11 hours for NZ). When my son does visit (once or twice a year) the whole family get together and it's great. I'm just glad that he's so happy there, the most important thing for me.

CocoPops Wed 30-Aug-23 22:49:19

No need to lose touch.
Planes go back and forth!
Budget for airfares. Use WhatsApp etc.

Foxygloves Wed 30-Aug-23 22:49:26

I do sympathise but when you have thought this through calmly it’s not exactly a family “falling apart” especially not with modern communications. Anybody who emigrated to Australia in the days of long sea voyages was facing possibly never seeing their families for years and years, if ever again.
Family bonds are stronger than the miles which separate them
Last night I was part of a Zoom family celebration of my late BIL’s life - we were in Nova Scotia, Minneapolis, Boston, Shanghai, Toronto, Ontario, Sydney, England and Scotland but came together as if we were in the same room.
Two years may seem an eternity but it will fly past -we many of us coped with not seeing our families for two years during covid - and you can be in touch by FaceTime any time you like.
So be glad for your D , hope she will be happy and look forward to seeing them again.

Callistemon21 Wed 30-Aug-23 22:52:35

Why all this effort?

So that we can give them roots and wings.

Years ago a letter took weeks and telephone calls had to be booked, especially at Christmas. Now we can see one another whilst we chat.

Covid lockdowns made travel more difficult but I hope, now restrictions are lifted, you can look forward to a visit over there, Martine.

Grammaretto Wed 30-Aug-23 22:53:57

I hope you get past your heartbreak Martine and are happy for her
My DS emigrated to NZ about 15 yrs ago and sometimes I think I'm closer to him than to his brothers and sister who are still here. We talk often on WhatsApp and I look forward to his rare visits and my own even rarer ones.

Summerlove Wed 30-Aug-23 23:26:51

I’m so sorry you are hurting. Please know she is confident to go have her adventure because she trusts your love for her and hers for you.
Please try to be happy for her

Hithere Wed 30-Aug-23 23:55:27

Your family is not falling apart, it is evolving

Your daughter, as an adult, is spreading her wings

Your shock and disappointment is understandable - it will work out and you will adapt

nanna8 Thu 31-Aug-23 01:12:50

We did it all those decades ago. It isn’t easy and she is very brave. Be proud of her willing to try a different life, you have brought her up to be independent and strong. We became a lot closer to our respective parents in some ways so hopefully this will happen for you .

denbylover Thu 31-Aug-23 02:23:08

Martine, this is your sadness, you’re entitled, and I understand your sentiments atm. You see your family splintering, and in some way it is as you grieve the ‘little and often’ visits that perhaps you’ve always had. What an amazing adventure for your daughter however. She may love Oz and the boyfriend long term or she may not. Comunicate often, she’ll be longing to share all this with you. The connection to home will be extra important as she adjusts to life in a new city and country. And for what it’s worth Melbourne is an amazing holiday destination for you!

Sara1954 Thu 31-Aug-23 06:28:20

Three of my grans sisters emigrated when they were teenagers. Two of them she never saw again.
But they all wrote every week, those flimsy airmail letters, hundreds of photos were exchanged. I think we knew our distant family fairly well, and over the years, there have been a steady stream of their families visiting.
I know it’s sad, I would feel very sad, but you have to let them go.

DiamondLily Thu 31-Aug-23 08:22:09

My son lives with his family in America. We still all keep in touch, with messages, phone calls, FaceTime etc.

We rear kids, hopefully, to grow wings and fly. I was sad to see my son go, but he's happy, got a great lifestyle (better than he'd have here), so I never say a word.

They all visit, along with their relatives and friends, once a year, and we have a lovely time.

Let them go, with your blessings, and keep the sadness for when they're not around. 💐

Marriedalongtime Thu 31-Aug-23 08:34:10

There is a Facebook page called Scattered Families where like minded people chat to each other. They all have families scattered across the world.
They also discuss various helpful coping strategies which may help you.
Stay strong, these feelings do become more manageable in time.

glammanana Thu 31-Aug-23 08:38:44

I can understand how you feel but give yourself a huge pat on the back for raising a strong independent daughter and let her go with your full

Joseann Thu 31-Aug-23 08:44:29

I am really wondering why we try to build families if they are doomed to fall apart when the children are grown up. Why all this effort?
When we build our families there is no script to follow and no outcome to expect. The important thing is that they become independent and find happiness.
You will feel sad, but life is for living and you will adjust.

Kalu Thu 31-Aug-23 08:57:46

I get it Martine. I was in your shoes 11 yrs ago waving my DD and her then Australian boyfriend off at the airport.

Today, they are happily married and have a wonderful life. All I could have wished for her and her DH who is a huge part of our family.

We are in contact weekly or more FaceTime or family WhatsApp and they visit every year, having recently just returned after a six weeks visit. We just pick up where we left off.

We have two DDs and only last week both my girls and I had a long FaceTime catch up which felt as if we were in the same room. The strong bond and love we all have for each other hasn’t changed. She still turns to her Mum when she needs to.

I see more of our DD than some of my friends see their DDs who live near them.

All the effort of a loving childhood is what was worth it, she remembers it all.

sodapop Thu 31-Aug-23 08:58:38


Your family is not falling apart, it is evolving

Your daughter, as an adult, is spreading her wings

Your shock and disappointment is understandable - it will work out and you will adapt

My feelings exactly Hithere

Be happy for your daughter Martine444 she is enjoying her life and having an adventure. Of course you will miss her but there are many ways to keep in touch now, only letters and telephone for me when my daughter went to live in America 30 years ago. Plan a visit to see her when she is settled and meanwhile enjoy your own life.

Shelflife Thu 31-Aug-23 09:28:30

Martine, please don't view this as the family falling apart , it is flourishing and evolving! We invest so much emotional energy into raising our children and you are now feeling all that effort was to no avail. On the contrary, all that energy is now being used to give your DD the strength and courage to live her life- you have done a great job, well done!! I know it will break your heart, but it's her life , wish her well , smile , be brave. Don't let her leave feeling guilty, she know you love her . Be ' there' for her , who knows she may be back at some time and if not rest assy you have done a good job as a parent. Good luck 💐💐💐💐

Shelflife Thu 31-Aug-23 09:29:32


pascal30 Thu 31-Aug-23 09:47:59

Think of the adventures you will have when you go to visit them.. what an amazing country to explore.. and she'll be so delighted to show it to you..

henetha Thu 31-Aug-23 09:52:36

I think I would feel exactly how you feel, Martine444, but there are wise words above. Communication is so easy these days. I would start a new savings account immediately and look forward to my first visit.

Bella23 Thu 31-Aug-23 10:09:41

As my father always said", You have got to let them go, for them to want to come back ."
Hard but true my eldest has lived in Asia and the USA. The other lived abroad while at university,neither wanted to return to the city we lived in.
Facetime ,Zoom call,send photos of outings. They all keep everyone together.
If the grounding you have put in is good, which it sounds they will keep in touch and visits are extra special.

They need to spread their wings just like we all

silverlining48 Thu 31-Aug-23 10:21:17

All the above but it’s hard when our children leave for far away countries. It’s it’s understandable you are upset.
Our children have their own lives we know, but that doesn’t help us manage what is a shock to us as parents.

REWIRING Sat 02-Sep-23 11:24:55

Martine4444 I can understand how you feel my brother emigrated out there in the 90’s but both my parents and me have been out there visiting several times and I now consider Sydney my 3rd home- Yes budget for holidays out there and they will be returning to UK for visits I am sure- the world is certainly a smaller place these days xx

She777 Sat 02-Sep-23 11:28:31

Your daughter may come back after a few years with her partner. In the meantime you can zoom, skype etc and go to visit.
I used to live in NZ and was terribly homesick. After 3 years I managed to persuade (not much persuasion needed) my Kiwi husband to come back to the UK. My family didn’t even get the chance to visit us out there.
Despite what you see on TV the prospects for us were better in the UK.