My daughter is about to move to Australia...

My DD recently moved to Dubai after being made redundant in the UK. I had mixed feelings about her going but with no jobs here being advertised she felt she had no choice. She hopes to save money and pay off her student loan and that the experience will get her a suitable job in the future back in the UK. Hopefully she'll have saved enough to set herself up well on her return. We talk most days on the phone and have video calls too. She moved into a flat today and I plan to visit for Christmas when we'll go away together, probably to Jordan, somewhere I missed out on going previously..

Having had my DS live abroad for 2 years I'm less worried this time, though he was in Europe and visited a few times. But DD lived in Scotland for over 5 years and that was quite a long way, especially during the pandemic when I couldn't visit. Having video calls makes a huge difference.

Zoom. If you have close relationship you will not lose her. Your daughter has her own life to live, don't make it difficult for her.

Families in our lifetime have purely been safe places for two adults or only one to raise children.

Very few of us who were children in the 1950s grew up knowing all our cousins, aunts, uncles, great-aunts and uncles or even living near our grandparents.

This pattern has continued during our adult lives. Most people do not any longer live all their life in the place where they were born.

Perhaps, you do OP and this is why your daughter moving so far away is hitting you so hard.

But you have only to read the estrangement thread on gransnet to realise that there are worse things than a loving daughter moving so far away. She might just have decided to cut you out of her life with no reason given, as others do these days.

I realise you are hurt right now, but had you honestly expected your daughter to stay near you for the rest of your life?

Pick yourself up from this hard knock and live your own life, which should not be centred around an adult child.

This may be you facing ‘empty nest syndrome’ in a new and more profound way. It’s more letting go . It’s fine to grieve and feel sad for a while. A natural and healthy response.

But in time you’ll see that you have brought up a courageous daughter who is embracing life and following her instincts with a man she loves . Well done you!
Your family is not breaking apart; things are changing. And as others have said you have so many ways of keeping in touch.

See if you can find some new interests and stimulating things to do.
It’s a time to be with friends and other family members who also love you.

And just allow yourself to cry if you need to. Be gentle with yourself.

Mydaughter ( only child) went to Australia in 2010 with her Irish partner. It was heartbreaking but we kept in touch and they came here or we went there every year. They had a fabulous lifestyle. Lockdown and her father dying last year which she couldn’t get back for as she had a 3 week old baby and struggled to get a passport for changed her thinking and they came back to Ireland this Summer. I hope it is the right decision but don’t despair. Not the end of the world. Even if every 2 years it will be quality time

I completely understand how you are feeling. My daughter, husband and 2 DGDs, moved to Sydney in 2011. We used to Skype every week. Expensive in those days for them as the had to pay for each connected minute. I was, fortunately, able to visit them every year. However, after six years they returned back to France, (not my doing). So, you never know what the future holds but for the moment, and I know it must be difficult, smile and wish them well.

You have to let them fly and find their own way in life! You can keep in touch so easily now! I had to wait for light blue airmail letters when I lived there !!!

Janburry

janburry

Janburry flowers]

I wish my daughter had emigrated, anywhere in the world would have been fine, l would love to face time, WhatsApp, anything, just to speak to her and see her beautiful face again 😢

It’s horrid at first but eventually it seems to become the norm
Eldest and family live in Asia ( 6 years) and middle has lived in USA for 18 years
I’m afraid it irritates me when people say “ oh how lovely to be able to go there on holiday”. In reality it’s not a holiday, it’s a few weeks of intense living catching up on everything that I do daily and weekly with my local children and grandchildren. Fitting in around their busy working and family lives. I don’t particularly enjoy it now but do enjoy the weekly FaceTimes.
Sorry if that came over negatively - I never let on you them how I feel as they are really happy and settled where they are.
Selfishly in private though I wish they were still in the Uk but I’d never tell them.
It does get easier over time to adjust to the situation.

I can understand your heartache but please be glad for your daughter, Australia is such a wonderful country and she will have a fabulous future there. My only son has been in Australia for nearly 50 years, I visit every year now I am on my own and we FaceTime at least once a week, very often more frequently, I think we are as close as any other family I know, and you will be too. When you visit, take the direct flight to Perth from Heathrow (assuming you are in the UK), that goes on to Melbourne most times, it is a wonderful experience. Happy travels to you, stay positive xxx

My daughter moved to Australia with two young grandchildren . She is married to an Australian. They came back after six years and now it’s his family that are missing them. I used to read bedtime stories on FaceTime! It is a sad time. I only visited once in the six years. Had planned to go more but she came home twice with the children for her two brothers weddings - but we paid their airfares. It’s something you will have to find a way to come to terms with. You’ve obviously done a good job raising her if she has the confidence to spread her wings in this way. Try not to make her feel guilty.

Exciting time for her. Of course its hard letting go but luckily there are so many ways to keep in touch. You may feel a little fragile now and that I would of thought was perfectly natural but give her chance to fly we all only get to live life once after all.

It's so heartbreaking in the beginning, Martine, but things improve. My DS2 and his wife and children emigrated to Australia nearly 15 years ago and I was really upset, but now they are the ones to whom I'm closest. I am not in a position where I can visit them but I get frequent phone calls, messages and photos, and visits from DS and one or other of the 4 grandchildren quite often which is more than I do from those much nearer home! Just remember the old adage----"absence makes the heart grow

Your daughter may come back after a few years with her partner. In the meantime you can zoom, skype etc and go to visit.
I used to live in NZ and was terribly homesick. After 3 years I managed to persuade (not much persuasion needed) my Kiwi husband to come back to the UK. My family didn’t even get the chance to visit us out there.
Despite what you see on TV the prospects for us were better in the UK.

Martine4444 I can understand how you feel my brother emigrated out there in the 90’s but both my parents and me have been out there visiting several times and I now consider Sydney my 3rd home- Yes budget for holidays out there and they will be returning to UK for visits I am sure- the world is certainly a smaller place these days xx

All the above but it’s hard when our children leave for far away countries. It’s it’s understandable you are upset.
Our children have their own lives we know, but that doesn’t help us manage what is a shock to us as parents.

As my father always said", You have got to let them go, for them to want to come back ."
Hard but true my eldest has lived in Asia and the USA. The other lived abroad while at university,neither wanted to return to the city we lived in.
Facetime ,Zoom call,send photos of outings. They all keep everyone together.
If the grounding you have put in is good, which it sounds they will keep in touch and visits are extra special.

They need to spread their wings just like we all did.

I think I would feel exactly how you feel, Martine444, but there are wise words above. Communication is so easy these days. I would start a new savings account immediately and look forward to my first visit.

Think of the adventures you will have when you go to visit them.. what an amazing country to explore.. and she'll be so delighted to show it to you..

assured!

Martine, please don't view this as the family falling apart , it is flourishing and evolving! We invest so much emotional energy into raising our children and you are now feeling all that effort was to no avail. On the contrary, all that energy is now being used to give your DD the strength and courage to live her life- you have done a great job, well done!! I know it will break your heart, but it's her life , wish her well , smile , be brave. Don't let her leave feeling guilty, she know you love her . Be ' there' for her , who knows she may be back at some time and if not rest assy you have done a good job as a parent. Good luck 💐💐💐💐

Hithere

Your family is not falling apart, it is evolving

Your daughter, as an adult, is spreading her wings

Your shock and disappointment is understandable - it will work out and you will adapt

My feelings exactly Hithere

Be happy for your daughter Martine444 she is enjoying her life and having an adventure. Of course you will miss her but there are many ways to keep in touch now, only letters and telephone for me when my daughter went to live in America 30 years ago. Plan a visit to see her when she is settled and meanwhile enjoy your own life.