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Is my partner possessive or just loving?

(130 Posts)
feelingnumb Tue 05-Sep-23 17:41:28

As a matter background, my boyfriend was ready to live with me after eight months, but I wasn’t and we've been seeing each other 2 years now. He had us looking at homes on multiple weekends when I visited him. I even tried to break up with him my few months ago telling him I can’t take the pressure with him pushing to live together and buy a house.

He did back off for a few months but 10 days ago had to fly out of state for a medical emergency for several days for my adult daughter for 5 days after she suffered the third straight miscarriage. My bf on his own while I was away visited new home developments and sent me multiple emails asking me to look at it even though I was still at my daughters taking care of her. He set up appointments for us to look at the houses on the following weekend which was this past weekend. His reasoning to look now is because I found a place to rent in Florida for January February March so I’m near my daughter and he’s willing to stay with me for some of that time but the first night I got home from seeing my daughter in Florida he was pressuring me again asking me if I had looked at the emails with new homes he sent me and kept asking are we “on the same page“ "

Told him I’m tired from trip and couldn’t think about it. At the same time, he managed to criticize me not communicating with him enough while I was in Florida taking care of my daughter and even said I hope this isn’t gonna be how it is when we stay in Florida next early next year. I did text and called him numerous times during my stay and always responded to his texts.

We ended up seeing the Homes this past weekend which I really wasn’t too interested in doing but did anyway and none interested me. When I told him what I see as real negatives about the homes it led to an argument He is saying we have to figure this out now for the spring because we’re going to Florida for 3 months and his lease ends in April so he doesn’t want to be “screwed” by not buying a home early enough. We went back and forth and he said he agrees with my concerns about the homes we saw but we need to figure this out now.

I did tell him I thought him sending me multiple emails and setting up appointments for the first week and I got home from Florida was being too pushy under the circumstances. I explained numerous times that I was emotionally exhausted from what my daughter is going through, and I can’t think straight and buying a house is a major decision as it is us living together. He’s sort of apologized, but not really, and again just said if it wasn’t for us going to Florida for three months I wouldn’t be in such a rush as where I am right now, but we don’t have as much time as you think. He said he’s been very understanding and shared him and his ex went through miscarriages too. He did apologize and even said maybe he should move into my home until we see something better even though he said where I live is isolating.

The one thing he kept saying is the only reason he’s working so hard at this is so that we can be together full time and not just on weekends because we live 50 miles apart.

Bottom line: My children will always come first, and he knows that especially because I’m a widow, and they lost their father several years back, so if they need me, I need to be there. I don’t know if living with him and buying a house is even the right thing for me. While we do love each other I find his behavior quite concerning and telling about future disputes and even if he’s possessive. What advice do you have for me"

Hershey Fri 08-Sep-23 16:02:13

So here I am again. Thank you everyone for all of your wonderful advice.

Now I’m with my boyfriend at his sons wedding and then we have another wedding next week for someone he knows. It’s really unbelievable because he can be so sweet and caring and considerate and at the same time, do the things he’s done which I’ve outlined a lot above. It’s like there’s two sides of him last night. He gave me out of the blue a small heart necklace, which is the first time hesurprised me with a gift since we’ve been together for two years. I don’t know if it’s because he wants to be on my best behavior at his sons wedding when I go to meet his ex-wife for the first time or he’s feeling guilty from his behavior recently or what .

I guess I just feeling very torn but I don’t wanna waste anymore of his time or mind given they were both in our late 60s and he went and invited me to see the another home on our way up to son’s wedding yesterday

I didn’t have the heart to say no , what is the right thing to do? We have two other weddings later this month and early into next month and I really don’t want to wait till all of those are over with before making a move because I just feel like I’m wasting more of our time.

Hershey Fri 08-Sep-23 16:02:52

I’m sorry but I ,isolated my credentials for feeling numb. I am the original poster though.

Hershey Fri 08-Sep-23 16:03:13

Not isolated but misplaced

M0nica Sat 09-Sep-23 15:23:05

The title of the thread a lone is a flashing red warning light. If you are asking whether he is posesssive or loving then he is possessive

Love is NEVER possessive.

SpringyChicken Sat 09-Sep-23 15:36:51

I seem to see this differently from other gransnetters here. It sounds like you aren’t as fond of him as he is of you. He needs to find someone else to settle down with. Let him go, don’t keep him dangling.

welbeck Sat 09-Sep-23 15:46:44

why are you wasting time and energy and emotional attention on going to weddings etc.
can you not see how manipulative he is.
he made sure you went to see that house, it was on his to do list, it was not an invitation.
have you never read anything about coercive control.
plenty of good short videos on youtube; i like dr les carter, and dr ramani is good too.
you are being played like a violin.
he can be nice sometimes, gave you a gift etc.
even a serial killer doesn't spend every minute killing. they probably are nice sometimes, often seem quite plausible, pillars of the community.
hitler liked dogs and was vegetarian.
stop drinking the coolade.
step away now. you can do this. and don't seek to explain or justify.
less said the better.

welbeck Sat 09-Sep-23 15:57:33

here's another one i found, dr david hawkins,
10 signs of an emotionally abusive relationship, sign 3;
my feelings,opinions and choices are not respected or heard.

ParlorGames Sat 09-Sep-23 16:05:48

feelingnumb, Hershey, whatever you choose to call yourself all the comments on this thread and get out of this toxic relationship! Previously planned weddings, trips etc are NO excuse to hang around.

Hershey Sat 09-Sep-23 16:31:50

Again, appreciate all of your advice. Last night after his son’s rehearsal dinner, we got back to the room and he seemed concerned about his ex saying oh she seemed a little nervous at first but then she relax. It was the first time I met the ex. At no point did he ask how I felt.

I thought that was kind of weird since he seems overly concerned about her. For me obviously it was awkward but I made the best of it. He also objected to the way they were going to walk their son down which was separately as opposed to being with the son in the middle so he talked to his son and ex today about it, and I think they may just accompany him which is fine.
It just again seemed like he was overly concerned about how she felt about it all that you couldn’t talk for herself, but really was not concerned at all about how I felt in terms of meeting her and being around her for the first time.

Germanshepherdsmum Sat 09-Sep-23 16:36:34

Have you taken in anything that’s been said here!

Hershey Sat 09-Sep-23 16:45:20

Yes. I’m sad

MerylStreep Sat 09-Sep-23 16:47:29


Have you taken in anything that’s been said here!

lol 🤦🏼‍♀️

Germanshepherdsmum Sat 09-Sep-23 16:50:43

Well you know what to do to make yourself feel happier don’t you?

Hershey Sat 09-Sep-23 17:06:55

I think so. After the wedding tonight we have a long ride back so I can just bring up that I find his behavior confining sometimes to the point that he seems to be competing and jealous of my own child spending time with me. I can cite examples. I don’t even need to get into the whole house issue until I see his reply to the first issue but when and if I do I’ll explain that this behavior troubles me so much that I’m not comfortable moving forward on living together.

Goldencity Sat 09-Sep-23 17:14:38

Well it sounds to me as if you are fine with just a boyfriend. You like your own place, you like being in control of your own life. You say your children will always come first- and hopefully there will be grandchildren. I think you own your own home?

He is looking for a full time relationship- and from the sounds of things likes to be the center of attention and the one in charge. He could also resent the time you spend with your kids. Also: who would be putting the most in to the possible house purchase? You?

You don’t sound as if you want the same things- I am suspicious of his motives tbh.

Hershey Sat 09-Sep-23 17:20:53

He is paying half the house and maybe a little more.

Yes your perspective may be correct. I am widowed after a good marriage and he is divorced and has no home now except the apt.

I own my home and while my children are my priority I do need my own life but I need to find a partner who doesn’t resent my relationship with my kids which is very close

Germanshepherdsmum Sat 09-Sep-23 17:26:51

He’s paying at least half of your household bills though he doesn’t live there and he has a lease of an apartment which will expire in April? Have I misunderstood something?

Hershey Sat 09-Sep-23 17:31:53

No if we buy a new home he’ll pay half of it. Now he leases his own apt and I own and pay for my own home.

Juggernaut Sat 09-Sep-23 17:34:31

If you're still wondering what to do despite all the very sensible advice offered to you here, you're obviously beyond hope!
There's really no point at all in asking for advice if you have absolutely no intention of taking any of it!

Hershey Sat 09-Sep-23 17:36:18

I just want to be certain I’m not missing something or being unfair to him

welbeck Sat 09-Sep-23 17:40:53

i give up.

Juggernaut Sat 09-Sep-23 17:41:26

Why are you concerned about being unfair to him?
He's quite obviously a possessive control freak!
Run, and keep running!

Germanshepherdsmum Sat 09-Sep-23 17:42:51

Sod being unfair to him! This is your life. Life is precious. Stop wasting it.

M0nica Sat 09-Sep-23 18:38:28

Hershey step away from your personal relationship and just read some of the artilcles recommended above on co-ercive control. Read them just out of interest without thinking whether they may apply to you.

When you have throughly studied the subject think what advice you would give a friend with a boyfriend like yours. perhaps you have had a friend in such a relationship. What did she say about her partner and how did she explain away his manipulative and controlling behaviour.

When you have done all that start thinking about your relationship and whether there are similarities.

One question, why are you so determined to have a relationship with a man? Surely if you are really close to your family being in a relationship is going to limit that relationship whatever you or he stay. Why can't you just live happlily singly, playing the scene, following lots of other interests and activities and evoting all the time you want to your family.

As my mother used to say, 'better happily single than unhappily married/partnered.'

Frankly your partner sounds an rritating bore who cannot take a hint even when it weighs a ton and lands on his toes. leae him to it. Your worth so much more.

maddyone Sat 09-Sep-23 18:56:22

You need to dump him in my opinion. He’s appallingly controlling.