Is my partner possessive or just loving?

Hershey you don't want to live with this guy, so tell him that.
The other stuff is just flannel round about that one fact.

If he's determined to have a living together relationship, and you don't want that, you can't continue with him.

I own my home and while my children are my priority I do need my own life but I need to find a partner who doesn’t resent my relationship with my kids which is very close

Which do you want?
Your own life or needing to find a partner?
Why the panic push to find a chap?

Regardless of his feelings for you, Hershey, whether love or possessiveness, genuine or not, you do not see your future with him, you have misgivings, you have other priorities, so the way forward is clear, isn’t it?

If he wasn’t so overbearing when it comes to my kids I thought I had a future with him. We care for each other a great deal and have a lot in common. I just don’t think I can take the leap to living with him and selling my home where my kids grew up and I shared with my late husband. If anything I’d move to Florida where my daughter is and my sisters live now.

Run, run, run! No looking back!

You know you don't want to be with this man long-term so stop stringing him along - that is really what you're doing.

If he was to post about his partner who seems interested in living together but doesn't like any house he suggests, he'd be told you're a time-waster and he should dump you.

Hershey You sound like every other abused woman, always making excuses for your abuser.

How anyone in their right mind thinks that they can love someone who abuses them, passes my comprehension.

Why do you want a man anyway, can't you manageto live on your own. I suppose you think a woman without a man is a failure. The biggest failure is the woman desperately hanging onto a man, any man, no matter how abusive, because she is too scared to manageon her own.

Sershey What ever you decide to do and you know you should get rid of this man please do not allow him to move into your home you will never get rid of him,
If you are desperate for male company join some clubs etc such as lunch/supper clubs you certainly do not need a full time partner one bit.

If you have doubts now - what will it be like when you are together permanently ?

I've been down that road and so have several friends .

I've heard it all :

One of them said , I can't come to my dance classes anymore , because my partner says that he'll have another affair if I'm not at home to " serve " him .
Serve = food and sex .

Another -
I wait until he goes out then I can phone my daughter .
It annoys him if we chat .

I'm not allowed to wear a lot of makeup - it upsets my husband .

I really love vegetarian food , but I can't cook it because my husband says it's a joke . We aren't hippies .

I'd love to come to the girl's pamper session , but my husband like to watch football and he likes me to watch too though I hate it .

Then the excuses - we've been together a long time , he's tired , I don't like to upset him , he's good with the kids and ultimately - I don't want to be on my own .

Running around trying to please and placate a totally self engrossed person isn't the way forward .

Walk away for the sake of your sanity , now .

I had a long talk with my bf. He says sometimes he feels anxious when I’m not with him because we aren’t living together. He says once we are settled he won’t feel that same way. I want to believe him and can understand his feeling but is that enough to move forward with living with him and selling my home?

No way. Once you’ve sold your house and put the proceeds into buying a house with him he will have you completely under his control. Please put an end to this relationship. He wants to be in total control of you and your money. Don’t let him do this. I’m a retired lawyer. Please, I beg you, take my advice and the advice of so many other posters here who can see this man for what he is. It’s far easier to do that from a distance, when you have no involvement.

I do love him and he loves me. Am I blinded and he is possessive?

It is beyond my comprehension how people can say of partners whose behaviour is domineering, abusive and generally makes their lives uncomfortable and unhappy, that they 'love' them.

What on earth is their in them to love? A loving relationship is the coming together of two people on an equal basis, who respect and trust each other. These relationships involve neither equality, nor resport, nor trust.

I despair that in this day and age there are still so many women who cannot function unless they have a man in their life, any man, regardless of whether they are treated with respect. Women who are too scared to stand on their own two feet and face the world like everyone else does.

Yes you are blinded and he is possessive. Very possessive. So many people here have told you that. I, for one, won’t be bothering again. You seem determined. Just how desperate are you to have a man in your life, regardless of the consequences? Sheer lunacy. So be it.

I get it but it’s a very difficult thing to leave what is generally a very nice relationship behind.

You are wondering whether he is possessive or just loving? If you can't answer yourself positively that he is just loving, then you know in your heart that he is possessive.

How on earth can you describe it as 'a generally very nice relationship'?. It doesn't even get in sight of what I would describe as a 'generally very nice relationship.

I wouldn't stay one day in a relationship as poor as you are prepared to tolerate.

I decided to finally break it off. I suppose the kicker for me was his statement that he'd not feel as anxious if we live together and therefore, would not be as persistent or sensitive about our communications. Also, when I mentioned to him the other day that I have a wedding shower (which I told him about weeks ago) this Saturday afternoon, he asked if he is still having dinner with me (he planned an "anniversary" dinner out) and then asked if he should go to the shower with me but I told him it was women only and he replied that that was a stupid question (on his part). the idea that he thought he'd follow me to the shower is creepy i think. Another example of his controlling/possessive behavior.

Well done! And don’t look back!

Good to see someone rid themselves of a coercive, controlling man. You are much better off without him.

Far be it to label anyone let alone someone I don’t know
You seem to have made your mind up but I was going to say look up narcissist They can start a relationship lovingly then become controlling

Run run as fast as you can!

feelingnumb

I am so sorry, hard as it is you have made the right choice... so many red flags here

Wishing you health and happiness

Good for you, don’t look back, this man was not for you, or any sane woman to be fair.
You mentioned you might be happy living in Florida where your sisters and daughter live.
That sounds like a good plan, buy your own house near family and away from him.

feelingnumb, I was in a similar situation, widowed with children to put first - and in a relationship with someone who tried too hard to get into 'couple' territory, far too soon, pressured to settle down and live together. He wanted to move in with me and I didn't want that.

I felt like a square peg being shoved into a round hole. I also felt I was just a substitute for his late wife. He was insecure and saw me as the answer, so sold his house and hinted (quite pathetically) that I should invite him. He bought his own flat (eventually) a long way from here and the (by then, awkward) relationship faded away.