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Help with my nightmare ex!!!!

(40 Posts)
spabbygirl Wed 06-Sep-23 15:02:31

25 years ago I met and married a long time single chap in his 40's who came from a farming background worked as a builder in a small rural community and hadn't really had much to do with the outside world.

I was quite the opposite, same age but had lived in many parts of the country, had children as a single parent & trained in an ok job. The chap, who I shall call A, told me he had an anger management problem, that he really, really shouted a lot in a violent way but that he knew that was a problem and would try to keep a lid on it.

Fast forward 4 yrs & we had a baby, a little girl I shall call B. A adored B, but not me and had begun to withdraw & spend time with his friends many of whom were wary of me and my city ways, like wholemeal food, sharing household tasks etc. In his world his mum always made his bed & did the shopping, letting your son do household tasks was seen as letting him down. B hadn't been into a big supermarket until he met me & although that was sweet at first, B seemed to give up on his commitment to share household tasks.

He shouted over and over again at me and simply wasn't interested in my point of view. One Sunday morning B was a little grumpy with a cold and came to see A in bed about 9am, I was up making tea etc. B went to A who picked her up under her arms and said 'you can shut up too!!! Can't you see I need to rest!!!'

I hated this, it was the last straw. I gathered some clothes, toothpaste etc. Changed B & said we were going to the shops. I had no intention of returning & rang him saying I wasn't coming home & why not.

He was furious but over time I moved 100 miles away and A & B kept good contact throughout her childhood. When she was 17 she passed her driving test and he bought her a little car, which I thought was lovely. But this is where the story turns sour.

After a while he bought a little black mini and for some reason, gave/loaned it to B & sold the first one & also put the paperwork in her name (which I'm told is not proof of ownership). B is now busy at work and has moved out & is doing well, she's been promoted twice.

It means I don't see much of her and crucially, she doesn't keep in touch as much. Nor does she ring her dad as much as he thinks she should and this makes him furious. He has rung me on many occasions and he shouts down the phone 'If you don't ring me I want my car back! etc' she is very sensitive and cannot cope with this and needless to say, does not ring him back.

This situation has been going on 2 yrs or so. I have thrown every bit of compassion, care, consideration I can at A, & explained this is not a good way to go about getting someone to ring you and at times he has wavered, but to no avail. B won't ring him, nor does she feel comfortable driving the car so she's got a new one.

He has rung and said the most hideous things about B, eventually claiming he wants nothing more to do with her, he does not want her in his life, she won't inherit a penny from him etc. etc. I refuse to listen to this & say if he's not going to discuss things that move the issue forward but just blacken our character I'm going to put the phone down. And I do.

He said he didn't want the car back so I thought I'd get it through MOT, sell it & give her the money. But once I'd spent £800 on it he decided he did want it. So I said, ok, if you give me 50% of the repairs you can have it as a compromise, which his 1st solicitor told him to do and seems fair to me.

But he refuses, and said the car was a loan, he has spoken to a solicitor & I am liable to send it back as he gave it minus fair wear and tear but I am also liable for future damage repair they might discover.

I say its her car, it was a gift, he can have it but he must pay half the bill. I wrote him the kindest letter saying he mustn't shout and how unpleasant it is.

He won't listen. He says he's been to the police who agree I am in the wrong & must return it. He took my letter for them to read so he says they have my point of view. they probably agreed with him cos he shouted at them too. In his mind, a policeman is God as is a judge & I must comply.

I don't know what to do now. I could let him have it but I don't want to be bullied by a bully into submission, that doesn't feel ok. I could take off the new tyres I put on, remove the electric thing & tell him to take it, or tell him to s*d off and sell it.

What would you do? I am a bit frightened of him but he lives a long way away & does have a sensible family around who would probably stop him.

wildswan16 Wed 06-Sep-23 15:21:37

A difficult situation for you to be in for sure.

I'm afraid I would just hand over the car and then he has no hold over you or your daughter. It is sometimes better just to maintain your dignity and have a more peaceful life.

It sounds as though he likes having some measure of control and that is what you need to dispose of. Yes, he is a bully, but just end the opportunity for him to bully you. You may lose out a bit financially - but your life will be so much better.

Your daughter is old enough now to make her own mind up about how much contact she wishes to maintain.

welbeck Wed 06-Sep-23 15:22:35

agree with above.

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 06-Sep-23 15:24:13

The issue is the car, not your marital history. The car belongs to either your daughter or your ex. It’s not yours. I can’t imagine why you spent money on it. Let them sort it out between themselves.

62Granny Wed 06-Sep-23 15:29:23

Think you should do as you say take the new tyres off and put some just road worthy ones on. remove whatever the electrical thingy is?
Tell him the car is ready for him to collect in writing /email/text so he can't deny you sent it.
Get him out of your lives forever , then block his number.
Otherwise he sounds the type to haunt you.
If he keeps bothering you get a injunction served on him . Then the police can get involved if he keeps bothering you .

pascal30 Wed 06-Sep-23 15:32:40

Just return the car.. done and dusted

AGAA4 Wed 06-Sep-23 15:32:57

Your ex is the owner of the car so you shouldn't have had it repaired. Don't waste any more time on this and give the car back. You said your daughter has her own car now so doesn't need it.
Get rid of this controlling man once and for all.

Soozikinzi Wed 06-Sep-23 15:45:56

I agree with the others .Just give him the car back and be done with it . It's his car and that's that . It isn't worth all that stress over £400 .

spabbygirl Wed 06-Sep-23 15:52:32

I might do just that, I might take the bits off that I had replaced. I shouldn't have had it repaired and it's not his car as I believe he gave it to his daughter, but anything for an easier life! I just hope he doesn't come back at me for one thing or another.

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 06-Sep-23 16:08:13

If you take these ‘bits’ off will it still be roadworthy? And what will you do with them?

Siope Wed 06-Sep-23 16:09:56

Why are you even still in touch with him? He has no reason to know your contact details. Give him his stupid car back, and block him on every channel you have, from phone to social media.

Shelflife Wed 06-Sep-23 16:38:09

I think in your situation I would let him have the car as it is. If you remove anything it may well not be roadworthy. This is not about the car it is about his ability and desire to interfere with your life and that of your daughter . Pass the car over , if you start removing the tyres you are simply giving him the opportunity to have ' another go ' at you. Get rid of the car , let him have it and keep him out of your life!

MrsSquirrel Wed 06-Sep-23 16:42:42

This is not about the car it is about his ability and desire to interfere with your life and that of your daughter.

I agree. Give him the car, then cease all contact and keep him out of your life. You might loose a few hundred pounds, but you will gain peace of mind.

spabbygirl Wed 06-Sep-23 17:07:07

I will do, I expect it will choke him forever that it has cost him his daughter

Hithere Wed 06-Sep-23 17:11:58

This guy is a red walking flag since you met him

Your daughter can deal with him as she wishes

There is 0 need for you to be involved with him at all, intervene on behalf of your daughter and invest money on anything related to this!

Please tell me that you will use more common sense from now on, this is a 10000000% preventable situation that could have avoided this drama

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 06-Sep-23 17:23:26

FGS get over this man and block him. Your long description of your marriage and why you left was irrelevant but shows you haven’t moved on. You’re playing games with the car. Let your daughter deal with her relationship with him herself, and move on.

eazybee Wed 06-Sep-23 17:49:33

The car belongs either to your daughter or your ex-husband; I presume you are divorced?
I do not understand why you spent £800 on the car, to sell and give her the money, when it is her car already. She doesn't want it or need it, so why are you involved?
I don't believe all the stories about police involvement and solicitors; it was a gift to your daughter and it is between her and her father.
Return the car to her, tell her to return it to her father, with or without the tyres, and keep out of it.
I can't help feeling there is a story in here somewhere.

Theexwife Wed 06-Sep-23 18:15:21

I would just return the car, if it has cost £800 pounds for two years use then it was a bargain.

The car is either your daughter's or his so you really don't have any claim on it.

MerylStreep Wed 06-Sep-23 18:22:53

Too many mmmm’s in this story 🤔
his friends are wary of me because of my city ways, eating whole meal food
I don’t blame them, that’s scary 😱

Redhead56 Wed 06-Sep-23 18:41:50

People who live in the country are well aware of city ways unless they live in a remote cave.
Give the man his car back and stop playing games with someone who is obviously a loose cannon

MerylStreep Wed 06-Sep-23 18:58:47

I hear what your saying but we are taking about Wholemeal Food That’s not for the wooses.

Redhead56 Wed 06-Sep-23 19:33:24

You would think then being from the country he would be more used to whole meal food 😉.

Ziplok Wed 06-Sep-23 21:01:34

I’m not really sure, given the pressure the police are under these days, that they’d be involving themselves over the ownership of said car, especially as it was gifted (supposedly) to the daughter in the first place. I think they have bigger fish to catch.

Ziplok Wed 06-Sep-23 21:04:29

Lots of “mmm’s” in this story as Merylstreep suggests.

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 06-Sep-23 21:18:00

Previous threads show that OP is (re?) married. So why still this involvement with the ex?