25 years ago I met and married a long time single chap in his 40's who came from a farming background worked as a builder in a small rural community and hadn't really had much to do with the outside world.
I was quite the opposite, same age but had lived in many parts of the country, had children as a single parent & trained in an ok job. The chap, who I shall call A, told me he had an anger management problem, that he really, really shouted a lot in a violent way but that he knew that was a problem and would try to keep a lid on it.
Fast forward 4 yrs & we had a baby, a little girl I shall call B. A adored B, but not me and had begun to withdraw & spend time with his friends many of whom were wary of me and my city ways, like wholemeal food, sharing household tasks etc. In his world his mum always made his bed & did the shopping, letting your son do household tasks was seen as letting him down. B hadn't been into a big supermarket until he met me & although that was sweet at first, B seemed to give up on his commitment to share household tasks.
He shouted over and over again at me and simply wasn't interested in my point of view. One Sunday morning B was a little grumpy with a cold and came to see A in bed about 9am, I was up making tea etc. B went to A who picked her up under her arms and said 'you can shut up too!!! Can't you see I need to rest!!!'
I hated this, it was the last straw. I gathered some clothes, toothpaste etc. Changed B & said we were going to the shops. I had no intention of returning & rang him saying I wasn't coming home & why not.
He was furious but over time I moved 100 miles away and A & B kept good contact throughout her childhood. When she was 17 she passed her driving test and he bought her a little car, which I thought was lovely. But this is where the story turns sour.
After a while he bought a little black mini and for some reason, gave/loaned it to B & sold the first one & also put the paperwork in her name (which I'm told is not proof of ownership). B is now busy at work and has moved out & is doing well, she's been promoted twice.
It means I don't see much of her and crucially, she doesn't keep in touch as much. Nor does she ring her dad as much as he thinks she should and this makes him furious. He has rung me on many occasions and he shouts down the phone 'If you don't ring me I want my car back! etc' she is very sensitive and cannot cope with this and needless to say, does not ring him back.
This situation has been going on 2 yrs or so. I have thrown every bit of compassion, care, consideration I can at A, & explained this is not a good way to go about getting someone to ring you and at times he has wavered, but to no avail. B won't ring him, nor does she feel comfortable driving the car so she's got a new one.
He has rung and said the most hideous things about B, eventually claiming he wants nothing more to do with her, he does not want her in his life, she won't inherit a penny from him etc. etc. I refuse to listen to this & say if he's not going to discuss things that move the issue forward but just blacken our character I'm going to put the phone down. And I do.
He said he didn't want the car back so I thought I'd get it through MOT, sell it & give her the money. But once I'd spent £800 on it he decided he did want it. So I said, ok, if you give me 50% of the repairs you can have it as a compromise, which his 1st solicitor told him to do and seems fair to me.
But he refuses, and said the car was a loan, he has spoken to a solicitor & I am liable to send it back as he gave it minus fair wear and tear but I am also liable for future damage repair they might discover.
I say its her car, it was a gift, he can have it but he must pay half the bill. I wrote him the kindest letter saying he mustn't shout and how unpleasant it is.
He won't listen. He says he's been to the police who agree I am in the wrong & must return it. He took my letter for them to read so he says they have my point of view. they probably agreed with him cos he shouted at them too. In his mind, a policeman is God as is a judge & I must comply.
I don't know what to do now. I could let him have it but I don't want to be bullied by a bully into submission, that doesn't feel ok. I could take off the new tyres I put on, remove the electric thing & tell him to take it, or tell him to s*d off and sell it.
What would you do? I am a bit frightened of him but he lives a long way away & does have a sensible family around who would probably stop him.
Resoned discussion is not victimisation.
Any Gnetters at the Rejoin march today in London
