who is really the nightmare ex?
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Help with my nightmare ex!!!!
(41 Posts)25 years ago I met and married a long time single chap in his 40's who came from a farming background worked as a builder in a small rural community and hadn't really had much to do with the outside world.
I was quite the opposite, same age but had lived in many parts of the country, had children as a single parent & trained in an ok job. The chap, who I shall call A, told me he had an anger management problem, that he really, really shouted a lot in a violent way but that he knew that was a problem and would try to keep a lid on it.
Fast forward 4 yrs & we had a baby, a little girl I shall call B. A adored B, but not me and had begun to withdraw & spend time with his friends many of whom were wary of me and my city ways, like wholemeal food, sharing household tasks etc. In his world his mum always made his bed & did the shopping, letting your son do household tasks was seen as letting him down. B hadn't been into a big supermarket until he met me & although that was sweet at first, B seemed to give up on his commitment to share household tasks.
He shouted over and over again at me and simply wasn't interested in my point of view. One Sunday morning B was a little grumpy with a cold and came to see A in bed about 9am, I was up making tea etc. B went to A who picked her up under her arms and said 'you can shut up too!!! Can't you see I need to rest!!!'
I hated this, it was the last straw. I gathered some clothes, toothpaste etc. Changed B & said we were going to the shops. I had no intention of returning & rang him saying I wasn't coming home & why not.
He was furious but over time I moved 100 miles away and A & B kept good contact throughout her childhood. When she was 17 she passed her driving test and he bought her a little car, which I thought was lovely. But this is where the story turns sour.
After a while he bought a little black mini and for some reason, gave/loaned it to B & sold the first one & also put the paperwork in her name (which I'm told is not proof of ownership). B is now busy at work and has moved out & is doing well, she's been promoted twice.
It means I don't see much of her and crucially, she doesn't keep in touch as much. Nor does she ring her dad as much as he thinks she should and this makes him furious. He has rung me on many occasions and he shouts down the phone 'If you don't ring me I want my car back! etc' she is very sensitive and cannot cope with this and needless to say, does not ring him back.
This situation has been going on 2 yrs or so. I have thrown every bit of compassion, care, consideration I can at A, & explained this is not a good way to go about getting someone to ring you and at times he has wavered, but to no avail. B won't ring him, nor does she feel comfortable driving the car so she's got a new one.
He has rung and said the most hideous things about B, eventually claiming he wants nothing more to do with her, he does not want her in his life, she won't inherit a penny from him etc. etc. I refuse to listen to this & say if he's not going to discuss things that move the issue forward but just blacken our character I'm going to put the phone down. And I do.
He said he didn't want the car back so I thought I'd get it through MOT, sell it & give her the money. But once I'd spent £800 on it he decided he did want it. So I said, ok, if you give me 50% of the repairs you can have it as a compromise, which his 1st solicitor told him to do and seems fair to me.
But he refuses, and said the car was a loan, he has spoken to a solicitor & I am liable to send it back as he gave it minus fair wear and tear but I am also liable for future damage repair they might discover.
I say its her car, it was a gift, he can have it but he must pay half the bill. I wrote him the kindest letter saying he mustn't shout and how unpleasant it is.
He won't listen. He says he's been to the police who agree I am in the wrong & must return it. He took my letter for them to read so he says they have my point of view. they probably agreed with him cos he shouted at them too. In his mind, a policeman is God as is a judge & I must comply.
I don't know what to do now. I could let him have it but I don't want to be bullied by a bully into submission, that doesn't feel ok. I could take off the new tyres I put on, remove the electric thing & tell him to take it, or tell him to s*d off and sell it.
What would you do? I am a bit frightened of him but he lives a long way away & does have a sensible family around who would probably stop him.
I forgot to say my daughter sold me the car when I bought her a new one.
I just think it's so sad that seeing how happy father & daughter were when she was little that now their relationship is so sour. I like caring for people and sorting out rifts, it was my job, and almost everyone else I've ever had anything to do with after a few minutes shouting will calm down and talk rationally.
Not him
You forgot to say? Just a tiny detail?
So you bought your daughter a new car; she sold you the car that was gift from her father; you then spent £800 on said car so that you could sell it and give her the money.
But apparently it belongs to her father.
Really?
Your husband isn't the only taker here.
First get a reliable solicitor to tell you whether you are within your rights to sell this car, or demand that your ex pays half of the repairs.
I have no idea whether the car is legally his or your daughter's. and that must be the first point to have clarified.
If the car is legally your daughter's she can sell it, if not it will presumably need to be returned to her father.
Once this is sorted, I suggest you change your phone number to an unlisted one and make sure that your ex hasn't your address either.
You can advise your daughter to do the same, but as I gather she is by now over 18, that decision must be hers.
If she wants nothing to do with her father, then she needs to take steps to prevent it. If she still wants to see him, she needs to find a way of tackling his anger, not you.
I'd let him have the car and wave him goodbye out of your life!
Things get even more complicated... why are you babying your daughter so much?
Ziplok
I’m not really sure, given the pressure the police are under these days, that they’d be involving themselves over the ownership of said car, especially as it was gifted (supposedly) to the daughter in the first place. I think they have bigger fish to catch.
The police would have politely told him it’s nothing to do with them. Anyone who believes that story is a gullible fool.
The plot thickens.
I was wondering why, if mother and daughter believe the car belonged legally to the daughter, why it was not sold at arms length before the new car was purchased or given up in part-exchange? What was the reason for the interim transaction and what was the timeline?
Basic rule of law is that you cannot sell what you do not own. That means, of course, that you cannot buy from a non-owner either. If you both knew that ownership was in dispute before you carried out this not-at-arms-length transaction you could both be in trouble.
I'm curious about the £800 spent to get it through the MOT. That seems a lot if it was already roadworthy.
Was the plan to sell it at arms length or to another family member? I note OP says she had children before she met and married husband number one. Where are they in this picture?
And where is the current husband?
Phew!!! Thanks for your help but I'll leave it at that,
Very wise.
Really weird isn't it? If your daughter sold the car - and you bought it - then she must be the owner, surely?
You say “he” has consulted a solicitor, have you had any legal advice or are you relying only on his word? How much is the car actually worth?
When he gave your daughter the car did he state in writing that it was a gift, email or birthday card etc as this might show intention.
I highly doubt that the police would have given him any advice as what you describe is a civil matter not a criminal one.
It also occurs to me that if he had taken the trouble to consult a solicitor why had he also supposedly asked the police for their opinion too? You also mentioned his first solicitor which suggests he advice shops!
You said “I say its her car, it was a gift, he can have it but he must pay half the bill. I wrote him the kindest letter saying he mustn't shout and how unpleasant it is.” Sorry but why have you written a kind letter or bothered with this vile man. I agree with others just give the car back and suck up the loss. Then block him and do not be tempted to speak to him again
Cut your losses and return the car. But why hasn't your daughter, who has a good job and been promoted twice, getting the car repaired herself and dealing with her awkward, bloody minded father herself? Why are you, the ex wife, playing piggy-in-the middle after all these years?
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