Husband retired, I still work. My husband is driving me crazy!

eazybee

I don't know what your previous existence was like, Babs, before you discovered rather late in life you were a high-powered business woman, but it sounds as though your career has taken over your life and you are eager to part company with your husband, the sooner the better. It is rather hard on to resent him lolling about in his own house after a life-time of work; as long as you have a separate work space and a closed door, no need for him to be excluded from his house.
May be for the best, only you know that, but this job isn't going to last for ever; you are already over retirement age and it is unlikely you will be working at this level in in ten years time.
Then what?

The OP did say that she found this new career 10 years ago having already worked for 30 years.

eazybee

I believe if you are still working after 65 you can continue working as long as you are fit, but there is definitely a clear-out of people just before they reach 65 to prevent them carrying on. Perhaps they have altered this in accordance with when people are eligible to receive their state pension.

I think the OP could be in the US so I don't think there are the same pension arrangements there.

I believe if you are still working after 65 you can continue working as long as you are fit, but there is definitely a clear-out of people just before they reach 65 to prevent them carrying on. Perhaps they have altered this in accordance with when people are eligible to receive their state pension.

It sounds as if you don't love him and don't even particularly like him.

You could do what someone I heard of did - send him an email, tell him you've set out your agenda for next year and he is not on it.

Business-like and to the point.

He could then take his share of your joint equity and lead the kind of boring life he wants after a long working life without someone getting annoyed with him because he's in the way.

Take 3 hours, go to the pub, neutral territory.
You each write a list of your minimum requirements, each from.the other. It does clarify things if you write them down.
You might want 3 days when he goes.out for at least 6 hours. He might want 4 days a month devoted to joint outings. Etc.
Permanent niggling gets you nowhere. Dh and I have these discussions are still here, just about.

Don’t understand why you are married to him, if you can’t fit him into your schedule 🤷‍♀️

There isn't rearly a retirement age any more eazybee, not in the UK. There is a point where the State Pension starts to kick in, but I am not even sure the OP is in the UK.

I was told when I started my present role 5 years ago, that my work's retirement age was 72. Now I am a few months from reaching that particular birthday, I have been assured that is no longer the case and I can keep working as long as I want to (or am able to, of course).

I don't know what your previous existence was like, Babs, before you discovered rather late in life you were a high-powered business woman, but it sounds as though your career has taken over your life and you are eager to part company with your husband, the sooner the better. It is rather hard on to resent him lolling about in his own house after a life-time of work; as long as you have a separate work space and a closed door, no need for him to be excluded from his house.
May be for the best, only you know that, but this job isn't going to last for ever; you are already over retirement age and it is unlikely you will be working at this level in in ten years time.
Then what?

A different perspective here. Mr C had always worked long hours, a stressful profession often took him away from home. I worked around children as I could, enjoyed a variety of roles but by no stretch of the imagination did I have a career.

I began to train in my forties, by the time I was 50 I was the proud and exhausted possessor of an MA plunging into a challenging professional life which I loved. Mr C wound down from about age 60, finished work at 68, I’m five years younger and worked until I was nearly 70 a lot of the time from home where there were boundaries in place to protect my working life from interruptions.

I worried a bit as Mr C also seemed to have little to occupy him until I realised he was perfectly happy to just potter around, read, listen to music and occasionally go out to do some low key photography. He talked about those years being my time, a sort of pay back for the years I had put his professional needs first.

It does sound to me as if a balance has been lost for you babs We enjoyed evenings and weekends together. Had several low key breaks a year, visited friends and spent time with our family. Could you reinstate some balance babs? Find a way to feel life is good for you both? I guess the real question is do you really want to do that? There are some difficult conversations to be had I think.

TELL HIM how you feel and to get out and get a part time job or you will leave him. Give him a deadline to find something that will get him out of the house

That’s pretty direct talk here. Sounds like I don’t have any sympathy for him. I don’t, I’m sorry to say. What a drag on your life.

I’m not a hard-hearted Hannah, but this would drive me insane. If you’re already telling him how he is killing the marriage some TOUGH TALK about divorce has to come into play.

I also think by doing what he’s doing - he’s being mentally abusive.

My DH was like a spare part when he retired a while after me, he really didnt like retirement at first. I'd already found groups, activities that I enjoyed doing in retirement but he did mope around a bit.
So I told him to find some voluntary work and to join some interest groups.
He did, with enthusiasm.

Then I found I had to make an appointment if I wanted to arrange a day out together.

I know I don't want to end up living in my kid's garage because I quit working too soon and ran out of money. I've heard many a story of people having to go back to work because they retired too soon. I just don't want to go there. I need to work as long as I can and as long as I want to.

Yes, entirely reasonable if it suits both of you, as it does you and your DH, Sunnysusie, but not so reasonable if it’s making one of you lonely and unhappy, and the other one wishing to be left alone. We’re all different, but that isn’t a good or reasonable situation within a marriage, it’s become an endurance test - on both sides by the sound of it.
Something has to give.

My DH works full time and has no intention of ever retiring. I finished work in 2015. I love our lifestyle. I have two volunteering jobs, exercise classes, U3A, dog walking for a neighbour, am a member of the village litter picking team, help with maintenance of a communal orchard and see my friends regularly for trips. I do the majority of the housework, shopping and gardening. I have no time to be bored. DH and I make a point of having a Saturday evening meal together, a full leisurely Sunday lunch and a weeks holiday together each year. I wouldnt have it any other way and would be very upset if DH thought for one minute that he should be keeping me entertained, or spending more time with me, or - God forbid - giving up the job he loves to spend more time with me. I accept him as the person he is, which includes his preference to work. I think babs75 its entirely reasonable for you to carry on working and for your husband to find his own activities to keep him occupied.

Try thinking role reversal. Your DH working all hours given, following all the interests and being a carer though I'm lost trying to figure how you manage to care for anyone. Would you be happy being left to your own devices day and night. I'm surprised you still have a DH.

Doing work you love is so important and I always feel that if someone loves you they should support your 'joys'. However, there also needs to be a bit of give-and-take. I have similar issues with my husband. I try to make sure that we have at least a couple of evenings relaxing together and at weekends I usually only work maybe two or three hours and we do something together. But that isn't at all enough for him and he says I'm 'always working' - which is not true - and gets very childish and resentful, even though it is my work that provides our comfortable lifestyle. I do remind myself that he is three years older than me and we are both in our seventies, and...and...but I also think 'Yes, we are in our seventies, dental work is expensive, the NHS is not to be relied on and we have plans for holidays (and one of our bathrooms needs re-doing) ' So I'm going to carry on working as long as I can - who wants to sit around all day talking about the past, anyway?

Love your comment. My husband died very suddenly, I am so glad that we spent time together and wonderful holidays all over the world. I tell my friends "If you can afford it and want to do things together just do it as we never know the minute or the hour. We were not wealthy but enjoyed our lives.

It’s understandable to want to share retirement with your other half once you retire after a lifetime of hard work. You must have liked spending time with each other to have wanted to get married. For some people it could offer the chance of freedom they have not enjoyed for years. This window of time could be cut short. I hope your husband gets to enjoy this time in his life and if not with you perhaps he would be better off finding someone who wants share it with him

Quite frankly it seems you have excluded your husband from most of your life babs75 and you have a full schedule without his input.
Maybe you need to take stock a little and see where your priorities are, you don't need to share everything but something would be good.

Who does the household chores, food shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry and general housework?
Not you I hope, given what you have on your plate.
When I read the title of your thread I thought you were going to say that you still work, your husband is retired and admits he’s bored, yet does none of the above.
There have been threads in the past on that theme!

I think you made a good point when you said caring for your father has brought home to you just how much money is required in old age, and up to a point, that’s your driving force, apart from the fact that you enjoy your job and are good at it.

I think as others have said, your husband badly needs an interest to get involved in and to get him out of the house!
He’s admitted he’s bored, yet seems to lack motivation to do anything about it.

I have to say your situation would really irritate me too!

I hope you manage to change his mindset.

Just had a thought. We got a dog when my OH retired. He takes him for walks twice a day and now knows my neighbours better than I do and I've lived here twice as long as he has. When I walk the dog in the evening, people ask me where my hubby is and is he OK?!

I like the DIY response Jess20 I think that's why mine keeps himself busy, he is scared of being given another project to do.

We just move to another house that needs serious DIYing and it keeps him occupied 🙄

When my DH was told to work from home, I knew what would happen - and it did. He gradually transferred to working in our living room, filling the space with paperwork, laptop etc, leaving me nowhere to relax in the daytime. But he’s gradually taken up responsibility for local shopping - bread, milk, etc - and also started meeting colleagues in a local coffee shop if he needed a work meeting. He recently said he’d miss the area if we moved, because of all his new friends! He’s got to know people by sight in the shops and cafes, who say ‘hello’ to him when he’s out and about. It seems to make all the difference to him.

I think people can change, but maybe not all at once. If your husband feels under-occupied, or socially deprived, he needs to seek out the solution to those issues himself.

He obviously needs a project or a hobby, it doesn’t matter what. A building project, Classic car, Charity work, even Golf or Bowls
My OH is retired and is always busy when I’m working part time, when I’m not we do things together, gardening, days out, holidays. I hope to work until I’m 70 after that we’ll think again I guess a lot will depend on our health

Good idea,