Husband retired, I still work. My husband is driving me crazy!

Be careful what you wish for.

Is there a "Men's Shed' locally?
menssheds.org.uk/
usmenssheds.org/
usmenssheds.org/

I have just read an article in the U3A magazine by a man who is asking why it is that men are more difficult to recruit. Women are keen on the social side of the activities as well as the activities themselves, while men want the interest in the activity itself. My DH enjoyed going to science group meetings and arguing with other members, but it was I who encouraged him to go!
It does seem that Babs75's husband needs to find an interest, which should be something really absorbing. People get their flying license after retirement!

I have just asked my OH if he thinks I should give up my part time job and devote more time to him. He looked quite panicked at the idea and disappeared to his shed!

Sometimes women, or men, working in their 60s/70s find they enjoy work much more than they did before. No worries about fitting in childcare responsibilties and no hassle about climbing a career ladder. It is a shame the OP's OH doesn't seem to have worked out how to use his retirement time to do things he might enjoy. Then time spent together can feel more precious.

What matters most? Your job or your marriage?

Years ago, I would happily have continued the job I had, even although it was exhausting until I reached retirement age, but my husband complained with a great deal of justification that I was so immersed in my work that he barely saw me, except asleep in bed at night!

I realised that I spent all weekend and most public holidays preparing classes, or exam papers for my pupils, and that if our marriage was to survive, I would either need to change my job, or retire early.

For me the choice although not one I had wanted to make was fairly easy - my husband mattered more then my job. So I retired early, and we sold up and did what he had always wanted to - sailed the rivers and canals of Europe for three years, then bought a house and moved into it,

Seven years on, he has just been diagnosed with cancer, so I am thankful now that my priority ten years ago was to take part in fulfilling his dream. If we had left it till he reached retirement age this year, we would never have been able to do so.

I hope your husband is healthier than mine, but ten years ago, neither of us dreamed that his life might well end at 67, so think this through carefully, please.

So your husband retired 2 years early, and expects you to alter your working style to accommodate his boredom? I'm afraid I'd point out that you have x years to retirement...can he entertain himself till then. Why should it be your problem - but I would put him first evening and weekends.

TBH I think this is a common problem. I was chatting to some friends and basically all the women, once retired, have filled their lives with hobbies and interests, whilst the men have not. The sad thing is that once anyone, man or woman, becomes too much of a "home body" they really don't have much to talk about and dare I say, become a little bit boring. tbh OH has to check my diary before he commits us to anything but as I act a our social secretary and make sure we see friends and do things together, that doesn't happen very often. I think OP and her partner need a good honest talk about how to inject a bit more fun into their marriage and that will require OP to be prepared to put a bit more time into their relationship or perhaps the marriage doesn't have a future.

Speaking as someone who has chosen to be alone for the last 15 years I have often thought to myself that I wouldn’t have time for a man in my life, nor would I want to. I appreciate everything from having no distractions to choosing what to do in my leisure time without compromise. I wonder if you and your OH just have irreconcilable differences and are drifting apart. It might be kinder in the long run to end the marriage, so that he has the opportunity to find someone who would enjoy spending time with him, because he must feel a sense of rejection that just isn’t fair.

OP is on a high career wise, and fully absorbed in it. However, we all need to bear in mind that things can change in the blink of an eye. If she became ill, she might be very glad that she had a DH hanging around.

Would finding a workspace nearby for 2 or 3 days a week work for you perhaps? - so you are out of the house for a while.

He's way down your list of priorities, isn't he? Marriage, for me, is all about spending time together - and really caring about how the partner is feeling.

It sounds like you don't want to be married. Perhaps it only worked when you hardly saw each other?

He might not be there, later on, when maybe you'll need him. He could stray - or die - before then.

It seems that you may not have had any children or grand children as these relationships might offer joint activities.

If it is just the two of you you may perhaps benefit from seeing a marriage counsellor to work out if you wish to stay together or not.

All the best on whatever you decide.

Reading the post makes me feel quite sad. He sounds as if he just wants to spend a bit more time with you, agree he needs to find something to do for himself but I find it sad that he’s asking you let’s do something together, and you just want him to leave you alone.

NotSpaghetti says what I was thinking as I was reading it. I know how difficult it can be to fit a husband in when you've got a lot on your plate but marriage only works with efforts to meet in the middle. I have had an extraordinarily busy few years caring for my mother and all her affairs so I have had to ensure I make time for my retired husband. The difference seems to be that I enjoy his company whereas you don't seem to enjoy your husband's company.

Bloody nuisance ! Quite agree

There’s nothing wrong with your husband’s desire to spend more time with you now that he’s retired. That doesn’t make him a “bloody nuisance”. He’s not asking too much - you are. Your OP reads like a CV, rather than an account of a relationship.

I hope, between you, you can find a compromise.

You can almost guarantee if her husband does find something to do he loves it won't be long before she complains he doesn't have time for her.

NotSpaghetti

I don't understand why you can't enjoy time with your husband. You say you do like estate sales but don't ever seem to just "hang out" together.

He only retired two years early - you don't need to keep bringing this up and telling him to find a job or volunteer. I think you have found a new niche for yourself which probably was not part of any retirement plan.

Whilst he is waiting to spend time with you, you are working on long projects and finding it hard to even take vacations which you seem to say aren't worth it. I think they would be worth it for your relationship.

I think Pascal is right. And, conversely GSM too. He has become a nuisance to you - because you can't be bothered with him.

Is the relationship actually over now that you are "just one step down" from your manager?

I think, babs75 you need to ask yourself if you are too busy and involved with your own things to be married - your husband is very very low on your priorities list. You seem to be doing just what you want to.... which is what he'd like to do, but he'd like to include you in his life.

You work 8 hour days now though obviously more if "necessary" and say for a year you were working a lot more...
You have 2-3 Zumba classes a week
You find time to sew as a hobby
You go to circuits,
You clearly found time to take an astronomy class and purchased a telescope (which presumably you use).
You got certified to teach Zumba
You have also been busy with your 97 year old dad for the last 8 years!
... how much day is left?

Do you share a personal training session or do you do that separately?
I feel you now only do the estate sales together. No wonder he is looking for a share of your time.

You are asking should you have separate holidays (even though you don't want to travel)!! - When are you going to spend time with your husband if you do that?

Did you ever discuss retirement plans with him? Did you have different dreams for your later years? What were you both expecting? You say you have "made it work" that he retired two years early - but clearly you resent it. I'm sure you know construction is hard on the body and taking retirement is sometimes because you are just worn out.

You have listed several hobbies that the OP does and yet there seems to be only one that her DH enjoys which is going to estate sales.

It seems to me that many men who retire have no hobbies and aren't interested in finding any. I used to know a woman whose DH retired from the prison service. During his working life he lived away from home a lot of the time. Consequently he just wanted to stay at home for his holidays. The only time they went away was for an annual golfing trip in northern France when the wives accompanied their husbands.

The father of a friend was a regional director of a major bank. When he retired he insisted on accompanying his wife shopping, critcising everything she bought. She'd be buying the same things as she'd always bought whilst he was working. Luckily for her he was appointed Treasurer of the local golf club which took up a lot of his time, in addition to the time spent playing golf. His wife was very happy with the new arrangement.

Many of us were brought up to be able to make our own way in life. The OP found her new career 10 years ago. She's lucky that she enjoys it so much and that she is able to continue past retirement age if she wishes. Reading posts on other threads I suspect that there are many women on here who wish that they could say the same.

JdotJ I don't agree. I think the response would be similar!

Germanshepherdsmum Thu 21-Sep-23 20:58:41 He sounds like a bloody nuisance to me

hahaha GSM - we dont always agree but this would drive me potty. Thats why Im no longer married. I just dont want someone hanging around which is what DH seems to be doing.

He needs to find a hobby or a pastime. Golf would be a good one. Get him out of the house and away on weekends with his mates.

You are in the USA/Canada I presume from your 'language' ?
Does this mean you live some distance from towns/opportunities for your husband to join anything
I acknowledge others comments veering towards sympathy for your husband but I wonder if that sympathy would be so readily available if roles were reversed and HE worked full time, had hobbies etc
I rather think not, the 'wife indoors' would be expected to put up and shut up.
Difficult situation

I can understand how he feels. I retired before Beloved, and although she was not as busy as OP, she worked full time and i was at home all day. When the weather was nice it wasn't to bad, I could take my camera and go off in the car practising my photographer.

Winter was terrible though, on my own between taking her to work and coll3cting her again afterwards I felt like nothing more than her taxi driver. I didn't tell her though, it would have bothered her.

Be glad you've got him......that may sound severe but as someone who doesn't any more I envy you

You either want to stay with him or not so decide to make it work or get divorced (are you thinking money?)

I don't understand why you can't enjoy time with your husband. You say you do like estate sales but don't ever seem to just "hang out" together.

He only retired two years early - you don't need to keep bringing this up and telling him to find a job or volunteer. I think you have found a new niche for yourself which probably was not part of any retirement plan.

Whilst he is waiting to spend time with you, you are working on long projects and finding it hard to even take vacations which you seem to say aren't worth it. I think they would be worth it for your relationship.

I think Pascal is right. And, conversely GSM too. He has become a nuisance to you - because you can't be bothered with him.

Is the relationship actually over now that you are "just one step down" from your manager?

I think, babs75 you need to ask yourself if you are too busy and involved with your own things to be married - your husband is very very low on your priorities list. You seem to be doing just what you want to.... which is what he'd like to do, but he'd like to include you in his life.

You work 8 hour days now though obviously more if "necessary" and say for a year you were working a lot more...
You have 2-3 Zumba classes a week
You find time to sew as a hobby
You go to circuits,
You clearly found time to take an astronomy class and purchased a telescope (which presumably you use).
You got certified to teach Zumba
You have also been busy with your 97 year old dad for the last 8 years!
... how much day is left?

Do you share a personal training session or do you do that separately?
I feel you now only do the estate sales together. No wonder he is looking for a share of your time.

You are asking should you have separate holidays (even though you don't want to travel)!! - When are you going to spend time with your husband if you do that?

Did you ever discuss retirement plans with him? Did you have different dreams for your later years? What were you both expecting? You say you have "made it work" that he retired two years early - but clearly you resent it. I'm sure you know construction is hard on the body and taking retirement is sometimes because you are just worn out.