Do not like going out with large groups of friends

If I want to feel really lonely I go out with a large group. I can sit at home for days alone and never feel lonely. But large groups and small talk are just not my cup of tea. I much prefer small groups of no more than 3 or 4 but I really enjoy being with only one person and being able to focus solely on them.

I’m not doing it anymore. It’s sad as there were very good times and it’s difficult to get that with new friends. Also it’s not easy making friends as you get older. I made groups my main social focus, whereas I now understand for them it wasn’t so important or it wouldn’t have altered so much. I know we will lose contact as it was only going out that kept us together really.
I know it’s going to be difficult but I was getting more and more stressed and it seemed to becoming competitive somehow last 12 months.
Thank you for your views, they have helped.

I’ve always preferred a small cluster - 1, 2, or 4 max. That way you get real varied conversation going. And it’s best if you all happen to be of the same political persuasion… just saying. That way you don’t have to tiptoe around the conversation so as not to offend that one person. 🙄

Anything larger than that is a total noisy chatfest where you start up a convo with someone and another comes along, interrupts and changes the subject - or you get someone who insists on hogging the limelight and suddenly we become the audience - or there are group “leaders” who carry on and the quiet ones sit on the sideline. Boring.

Book clubs are good if you stick to talking about “the book”, that way everyone has a chance to speak. Otherwise book clubs often pass for wine drinking and gossip groups.

For those who love to be in big groups and don’t mind new people - in-house parties where clothes, jewelry, kitchen goods, cosmetics, etc are being presented and sold. You can really help others with your observations and advice!

Love me one good one, though!
USA Gundy

I get it, I have hearing aids too.
The people you are trying to communicate in the group don't get it though.... uncomfortable

Musicgirl

I prefer a smaller group because I am hard of hearing and the bigger the group, the louder the voices become and it is very hard to hear over the hubbub. Hearing aids make this worse as you get all the background noise as well as the voice you are trying to concentrate on and the function on the hearing aids that is supposed to help with this problem does not work very well.

I have the same problem, Musicgirl, so prefer meeting with smaller groups.

There's an unwritten etiquette with groups of friends. You don't bring others to tag along, unless the whole group agrees, in my opinion. That may sound a bit formal but I don't think we are formal enough these days, so no-one knows where they are! Bring back Jane Austen! PS Not keen on large groups personally - intimate conversations are more difficult and hearing an issue

Large groups are difficult to manage. I started a knitting group with about 6 people which then went up to 16 as word spread that it was fun and friendly. There were a couple of quiet people in the group and I didn’t want them to feel left out so I always made sure they were included in the chat.

2 very loud women dominated the group and used to arrive early so they could use the most comfy chairs etc which was unfair and one lady had just had back surgery so I hoped either of them might give up her chair but they didn’t so the next week I got there early and bagged the chair for the other lady. She was so grateful.

Every few months we got together for a meal and even that was stressful as I suggested we all rounded our meal cost up to the next £ to cover staff tip because they always made sure we all got our food together etc. one of the loud women refused and said she wasn’t paying 50p!!

When we were no longer able to use our meeting place the group folded and I still get texts asking if I will start another one but I don’t feel inclined to even though we had the best laughs and learned a lot from each other. 16 is just too many to contend with.

Agree 100% . I find it hard to follow the conversion not hard of hearing but in a large group I struggle. Then I'm not sure when it's my turn to speak or if I'm going on too much I do still go but it's awkward

I really cant be doing with large groups. I also prefer folk who do not go on about how clever and talented their various family members are. One to one going out for a coffee or for a cinema trip is much better in my mind. Good that we are all different.

I used to go out with a group of 12 but found I would only talk to the few nearest to me.
I much prefer to be with smaller groups or just one or two people.
You have to find what suits you best.

I prefer small groups or even just two as well. I met a friend regularly for coffee and cake, another friend heard and asked if she could join so I said yes, I could cope with three. Three suddenly became four and then meetups with another group of four. Suddenly coffee and cake had turned into a "Ladies who lunch club "with who could dress the best and I opted out.
I still keep in touch with the first friend.
The same happened when I worked the annual staff dinner at a good venue turned into a night in the town docks pubs with a nightclub thrown in. I stopped when my DD's heard where the venue was and called it"Grab a Granny Night". which implied they were all on the pull. Someone who did go said never again she had nearly ended up in the docks.
We are all different and you should always please yourself in circumstances which you know will make you feel uncomfortable.

I agree with Philippa that its hard to make a connection in large groups and have a meaningful personal conversation. Indeed there used to be a rule about never mentioning politics or religion and sticking to small talk. OK if you are good at small talk, but I am useless. It doesnt interest me and I can never think of anything to say. Like you Allsorts I would not enjoy my friendship groups being expanded.

I prefer smaller groups of friends, four is a nice number, you can all sit and chat together. With big groups everyone tends to branch off talking to the person nearest to them and the quieter people can get left out of the conversation.
I tend not to mix friendship groups as it doesn’t always work. I have occasionally been invited along to join a group of long established friends on a night out, it’s ok if it’s the cinema or theatre but if it’s a meal & a drink and chat it’s not always ideal. If they have years of history as a group and know each other really well you tend to feel like the new girl and a bit out of the loop with the conversation.
If it’s a group of all new people starting out at a club or something that’s different.
I wouldn’t enjoy going on holiday with a large group of friends, a group of three or four would be more than enough unless it’s family.

I don’t mind large groups as I find you tend to gravitate towards a few people , rather than everyone. I’m in several large friendship groups and I’m closer to some than others . Although I agree some people do dominate the conversation.
I also live in a village and a few friends often invite new comers to coffee , lunches , drinks etc , which I don’t mind as it’s hard to meet people when you’re new to the area and villages can be a bit clicky, and you never know if you’ll gel with them. However they do inform us beforehand.
I understand the hearing aid issue , with a few friends , you have to be by their good ear .

I would try and arrange something with a few you really like and explain why. I sometimes do both as occasionally 11 long standing friends do a meal once or twice a year but we all know each other extremely well and sometimes not all of us can make it.

Otherwise I like coffee or a small lunch with just 1, 2, or 3 friends and again we all know each other.

I would not like a friend to just show up with someone I don’t know well if I thought it was just the two us and I think this is both thoughtless and poor manners

Hi Tree ,
It's so reassuring to know that someone else feels the same as I do .
My friend had to drag me to the party .
When those quiet ladies left - I did too !

Take care and happy gentle socialising !

Hi Allsorts. You don't say whether these groups are specific interest groups or simply separate groups of friends. I wonder if people have invited their friends as they see the group as a friendly bunch and that their friends would benefit from being part of it? Or whether they share the same interest. Have you got to know the new 'members' as i am sure they stick to their friends initially, but, as they have joined are willing to get to know others.

With regard to holidays, i have had a holiday with a group of friends and was surprised as to who i actually got along with better, oddly, not my closest friend in the group. We are all different people, some early birds, some night owls, some like a long lazy breakfast, others just a coffee and go and so on, therefore i found myself spending time with the person i knew the least but had similar wants from the time away and we often broke away from the main group to pursue these interests.

There is no reason that you can't ask a couple of your closest friends to meet up for a coffee and be honest that you really can't catch up properly in such a big group.

Blooming extroverts always love huge groups. No use to us introverts. Just don’t go.

Esmay

I'm a very chatty and sociable person , but occasionally I find huge groups of friends all talking at once a bit much .

I think it's because I'm over sensitive to loud voices and I also can't follow too many conversations at once .
I went to an extremely loud party with deafening music a couple of weeks ago and sat quietly with a lady and her two daughters , who are much quieter than I am .
They were glad to talk to me !

Don't stop going out .
Maybe join something new and make new friends .

I could have wrote that exact same statement Esmay. I’m very sensitive to noise as I have ADHD. And it doesn’t necessarily have to be really loud noise. Lots of people talking all at once is quite overwhelming.

And a group holiday would be one of my worst nightmares.

kircubbin2000

My best friend occasionally brings a friend we were at primary school with.She never married and has no family and I now find her very boring as we have nothing in common. We have a much better chat when it's just the 2 of us but I would never say that.

If all you have to talk about is your family I bet she finds you boring as well.

I also have problems with larger groups. Much prefer 1 or 2. Anything bigger loses the personal touch and I withdraw.

I agree, I too struggle with larger groups. I think it’s thoughtless to just bring a friend along without asking.

To me groups can be a fun idea with lots of chatter but inevitably one person claims the limelight and I don't find the experience of much value unless we were out for a lovely meal in a nice venue. I don't like small talk much. It's not any real connection in my eyes. For that I like to be one to one with a good friend where there is space and time to talk in deeper ways, perhaps share a problem etc. They are two different things.
How about just asking the friends , one at a time to meet for a coffee? You could say that you miss their specific company.

The good point of a large group is you might meet someone you didn't know before that you feel drawn to and speak to them and ask if they fancied meeting up one to one. You might have found a new friend.

Yes I agree with comment about hearing and large groups, something that will only increase with age even if not using hearing aids. Bad manners for friend to bring along another person unknown to you if having a one on one meet up. I try and organise a group of friends from school once a year but two seem less committed eg forgetting to turn up or having another commitment for the afternoon when we could have a full day of a decent walk/lunch/chat. I feel sorry for one person who travels a distance for our meet up.

My nephew is a bit like that. He finds more than 3 people together overwhelming since he had a stroke. In the past it never bothered me (clue my birth sign is Leo and we are said to revel in attention) but now I too just cant be bothered with big groups.