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Help... relationship issues

(30 Posts)
Lucyloo12 Sun 01-Oct-23 10:53:04

I've been looking for a partner for years but now want to give up. My last attempt.... I met a man on online dating. He seemed perfect personality wise but very overweight. The weight is becoming an issue as he wants me to do the food for him to lose weight! I think he needs to do this himself as I feel if he fails it becomes my fault and we dont even live together. Anyway that problem aside.... we recently got to the bedroom bit, unfortunately it turns out he is rather less endowed than I hoped. Now I am faced with a lovely personality but physically I am not attracted to him at all. How on earth am I to get out of this without hurting him. I feel like I'm kicking a puppy. Please help.

ExDancer Sun 01-Oct-23 10:58:00

How long have you known this man?

Lucyloo12 Sun 01-Oct-23 11:06:33

4 months

Grandmabatty Sun 01-Oct-23 11:07:09

Dear John, I think this relationship has run its course. I don't feel the same. I wish you all the best

Hetty58 Sun 01-Oct-23 11:14:27

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Lucyloo12 Sun 01-Oct-23 11:16:53

Wish it was a joke but unfortunately not.

ExDancer Sun 01-Oct-23 11:20:24

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Lucyloo12 Sun 01-Oct-23 11:23:06

Thanks exdancer. I came on here for genuine help and not to be insulted.

BlueBelle Sun 01-Oct-23 11:31:42

I think you are being harsh on this man if he doesn’t float your boat why even get as far as the bedroom Surely if his weight was a put off why would you even contemplate bed
Do you always judge loving someone by the size of their bits

I feel like I m kicking a puppy that’s a unkind comment

For the poor blokes’ sake finish it and hopefully he ll find someone kinder and less judgemental

Lucyloo12 Sun 01-Oct-23 11:33:37

Hetty I hope you never have problems for others to ridicule. If this is the 'help' Gransnetters feel appropriate I wish you all well. I am very upset by this.

silverlining48 Sun 01-Oct-23 12:01:20

You are right not to prepare his food, especially if you don’t live together. His weight is for him to resolve.
As for the rest, I wish you both well.

lizzyb Sun 01-Oct-23 12:12:43

I think you need to tell him asap it's not working for you, sooner rather than later. His weight is his problem, not yours.

pascal30 Sun 01-Oct-23 12:28:06

I suppose it depends what you want from a relationship especially if, as you say, you have been looking for years. If you have been seeing him for 4 months you must have enjoyed his company.. I think you have to be honest with yourself and him.. it seems a bit cruel to allow him physical intimacy and then discard him because he doesn't meet your expectations.. just do it kindly

recklessgran Sun 01-Oct-23 12:33:53

I think you just don't fancy him to be honest. If you did, you wouldn't care about "endowment" at all. I think the kindest thing is to end it. I'd just be honest and tell him he's a lovely guy but there's just no spark for you and as intimacy is important to you it's unfortunately a deal breaker. Definitely don't make any comments about his weight or "lack of endowment" as you put it, that would be cruel and unneccessary. Good luck OP - life's too short to be dissatisfied with your lot and he deserves to be happy too.

Lucyloo12 Sun 01-Oct-23 12:37:47

Pascal30 I totally agree with you, it does seem cruel and I wish I hadn't been intimate. I should have continued as friends and now I've ruined that but don't want to carry on with him intimately. I feel he deserves someone who will love him for everything as he is. I know the way ive written this soulds terrible but I just want to put this right without hurting him.

Jodieb Sun 01-Oct-23 12:39:37

Tell him you like him as a friend, lucyloo. He'll soon be off. Men aren't interested in being just pals.
Ignore any acid comments GN always gets them.

Lucyloo12 Sun 01-Oct-23 12:43:19

Thank you JodieB I will try as kindly as I can. For all I know he could be sitting at home thinking my bod isn't what he expected either!

Theexwife Sun 01-Oct-23 12:48:42

There has to be one short awkward conversation then it is done, do it sooner rather than later or it will play on your mind.

I would say ‘ I want you to know that my feelings for you are platonic, I see you as a great friend that I hope will continue, I do not feel that spark that makes it romantic, I wish it were different but it is not.'

I would do this over the phone as it would be easier for both of you. You may have to accept that he does not want to carry on seeing you.

Good luck.

Lucyloo12 Sun 01-Oct-23 12:54:56

Thank you theexwife, that sounds doable, I will phone him.

Theexwife Sun 01-Oct-23 12:57:26

let us know how it goes, if you have to report back you are more likely to do it.

BlueBelle Sun 01-Oct-23 13:01:10

Well you can’t do it without hurting him Lucyloo
He’s going to put two and two together and know exactly why you’re dumping him and let’s be honest if you can dump him because he’s not got a big enough bit of tackle you really didn’t care about him at all You were just kidding yourself
If you had found love you wouldn’t have cared if he had two heads would you ?
There’s no kind way so just tell him you ve realised you’re not compatible and be prepared for him to try to change your mind no one like rejection but you ve every right to reject him
Just do it as kindly as possible

BlueBelle Sun 01-Oct-23 13:06:18

Sorry Exwife but I don’t agree at all about rejecting him then asking him to be a friend That’s again mixed messages
‘ I don’t want you in my life as a lover but I ll happily have you in my life as a friend’ ….impossible
No no no it needs to be a complete break, by going to bed together you have crossed the boundaries of friendship You cannot put it back in Pandora’s box

lemsip Sun 01-Oct-23 13:13:04

Lucyloo please report any nasty replies by clicking on report. there are strict guidelines on gransnet if only people would report.

Lucyloo12 Sun 01-Oct-23 13:38:46

Thank you lemsip I didn't know that. I have phoned him and both have agreed the intimacy should not have happened. Obviously I did not mention the weight or size but I do feel he deserves someone who will give him the whole package which I can't. He is disappointed but said he'd rather I be honest. I did tell him I felt I'd slept with my friend and it felt wrong. It was very awkward and hard to do but he deserves better. On that note he is still having dinner with me later, chicken salad of course!

sukie Sun 01-Oct-23 14:04:28

Lucyloo12 It sounds like you handled it perfectly, with good advice from exwife. So good to have that done. Hope dinner isn't too awkward and that you are able to transition back to friendship. It can be done, good luck.