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Daughters in law

(65 Posts)
Doodledog Sun 15-Oct-23 12:40:51

There are often threads on MN about mothers in law, and I wondered about the relationship from the 'other side', so to speak. We MILs have usually been DILs in our turn, so comments about that would be interesting too.

Do you get on with your DIL, and if not, what are the sources of conflict? Similarly, do/did you get on with your MIL, and does your husband get along with your mother/

I am lucky with my DIL. She is easy to like and get along with, and I see her as part of the family. It's relatively early days, as she and my son have only been married for 18 months, and they met just before lockdown, so we didn't see a lot of her before they married (they live miles away from us). There are no children yet, so I suppose I have had fewer opportunities to get on her nerves though grin. Still, so far, so good, and it's clear she makes my son happy, which is the main thing. She and my son are staying with us over Christmas, and I know from experience that she is an easy guest, and when I say 'Make yourself at home' I know she will, which is what I want.

I'm also lucky with my MIL, who is still with us at 98. She is sharp as a tack, witty and full of fun, although not as agile as she used to be. She made me welcome in her family when I met Mr Dog at 19, and has always been kind and tolerant towards me. I try to use her as a model with my own DIL.

I am in no way smug about my good fortune - I am well aware that families can be difficult, and as often as not it is nobody's 'fault', but different ways of doing things. What are your experiences?

GrannyGravy13 Mon 16-Oct-23 13:12:57

I have three wonderful daughters-in-law, they get on well with each other and my daughter and we often go for spa days, lunch, shopping trips etc.

The other is not married to our son, and we do not get on at all.

V3ra Mon 16-Oct-23 13:16:53

57VRS have you tried calling your son and daughter-in-law's bluff and accepting their alternative offer, even if it means meeting up with them without your husband?

At least you could see your son and granddaughters then and maintain that relationship, which would stand you in good stead as they get older and more independent.

Mojack26 Mon 16-Oct-23 13:27:44

Loved my MIL and miss her very much.

silvercollie Mon 16-Oct-23 13:32:39

My first set of in-laws completely disapproved of me which would have been difficult were it not that their son and I moved to New Zealand and on our return, were divorced. He decided to disapprove of me too! A whole story in itself. My second mother in law was lovely and certainly had my back. Bless her.
That marriage failed too and her son never bothered to tell me of her passing. Miserable person.
My own two are wonderful wives to my elder sons and I love them both dearly.
I cannot understand why there is often enmity between mothers and daughters in law. Surely a mother only wants her son to be happy? And, being the one with more life experience, would she not lead the way?

undines Mon 16-Oct-23 13:34:28

I always try very hard to be a supportive MIL, but that hasn't been good enough. I am not sure why DIL No 1 did not like me - maybe because I am a little eccentric and do not prioritise appearances. My son has now divorced her and I feel I have my son back as he now thinks for himself again. DIL No 2 had lots of help (and money!) but that wasn't enough, she did not seem to like my new husband and although that has improved there is a massive scar there and I never feel at ease with her or my son and only keep trying for the sake of my granddaughters, whom I adore. I have especially been very careful not to criticise, but that does not seem to work the other way! DIL No 3 is an absolute darling but very close to her own mum, so I do not see her or my son very often. I guess I haven't been very lucky. I honestly do not think it's me, but then perspectives differ. I have learnt (through the awful emotional pain of being separated from my granddaughters for over a year) to look for fulfilment elsewhere. I want to protect my heart from being broken again - loving children that are not your own gives away your emotional safety, so I am just keeping a little distance, although I shall always adore those two girls. I hope as they get older they may want a special relationship with me. Who knows!

Dee1012 Mon 16-Oct-23 13:47:34

I've been married once (divorced now) and although we lived quite a distance away, the relationship was cordial.
However I parted from my ex' during pregnancy and I think if we'd stayed together, there would have been conflict over the child as I didn't like or agree with her thoughts on how children should be treated / brought up and she was very vocal about her feelings.
I can still recall staying over and her daughter was there with their child, we'd had some lunch and the little one had obviously eaten enough...her Grandmother insisted that she remain seated until she finished what was on her plate and refused to let the child move.
The atmosphere was very uncomfortable and I remember thinking that she wouldn't treat my child like that angry

Gingster Mon 16-Oct-23 13:58:21

My MIL lived in Ireland so we saw each other about once a year. We got on ok.
My Dh loved my mum and she him. They got on well.
I have two D’s IL. and love them both. Im sure they reciprocate their love for me. Never a cross word or difficult situation with either of them.
My two sons both get on well with their Mothers in law.
So all good here.

luluaugust Mon 16-Oct-23 14:04:31

My MIL didn’t think I was at all suitable as I was so young, I found out later that she had had a hard life before meeting DH’s father and was actually a step mother. I didn’t know this for quite a long time DHs mother had died when he was 2 and he was never told officially by anybody only coming to the truth after they had died. My MIL has been gone over 45 years now.
My DDs get on well with their MILs but do live long distances from them. I love my DIL who comes from abroad, she is very tolerant with me and after a slightly difficult, cultural differences, start we rub along ok I reckon.

GrannySomerset Mon 16-Oct-23 14:12:59

It doesn’t have to be a competition, does it? I married a very treasured only but recognised that as we both loved him we could get along well, which we did. She wisely had decided she would love who ever her darling boy chose to marry, I decided that she could be an ally - which she was.

I love my exDiL and current DiL and am glad to see my rather difficult son in a very good marriage. My SiL is usually on my side and makes me laugh as well as being a quietly practical help, so all in all I have been lucky.

Plunger Mon 16-Oct-23 14:16:14

My MIL disliked me even before she met me. To her I was a rich stuck up Southern who spoke posh despite coming from a family eligible for free school dinners etc and an area of high unemployment and poverty in the SE. Yes it does exist!. When she came to visit ( we lived 200 miles away) she made my life miserable. I would walk into a room and all conversation would stop. She criticised the food I served and actually went and bought back fish and chips once rather than eat what was cooking. On showing her around the area of outstanding natural beauty close to where we live she wanted to know where the council estates were. Actually there are 2 within 30mins walking from our house but I dont consider them tourist sites! I've therefore tried very hard to get on with my DIL and love her dearly. She might not love me quite as much but hopefully I dont make her life miserable as my MIL did for me. She is a fantastic Mum and my DS loves hes dearly which is all that really matters.

Fernhillnana Mon 16-Oct-23 14:35:26

My MiL is staying with us now on a little visit. She comes 3 or 4 times a year and we always try to make it special for her. I love her to bits and treasure time with her. She is 90 and sharp as a needle mentally, a little wobbly when she walks and that’s it. My DiL is a beautiful soul and makes my darling son happy.

SillyNanny321 Mon 16-Oct-23 14:39:46

I think that I have the best DiL ever! We get on well she is always there if needed & I try to be the same for her & my Grandkids! After helping me this weekend when I had a very bad flare of Rheumatoid Arthritis she proved again how wonderful she is but still cannot understand why we all love her so much!

EEJit Mon 16-Oct-23 15:04:59

I've had two MILs and i got on great with both of them. Unfortunately, neither are with us any more.

On the other hand wife no1 didn't get on with my Mum. M7m thought she was too young, but we were married for 14 years.

Wife 2, otherwise known as Beloved, got on great with her, and the two mums got on great as well.

We lived 4 doors from each other when we were kids and I think both mums had us married of from me being 6/7. We ere marri3d a couple of years before mum succumbed to dementia and she seemed quite pleased.

Madgran77 Mon 16-Oct-23 15:08:54

I cannot understand why there is often enmity between mothers and daughters in law. Surely a mother only wants her son to be happy? And, being the one with more life experience, would she not lead the way?

It depends on the personalities, behaviours and "issues" or otherwise of both parties Silvercollie! If either party for whatever reason don't want a relationship or are very insecure for whatever reason then it is well nigh impossible!

Belleringer Mon 16-Oct-23 16:19:27

I always said I married my husband to get his mother as my mother-in-law. She was the kindest, most caring lady who would do anything for our family and never uttered a word of criticism. Our children adored her and we were all devastated when she died.

Ladyleftfieldlover Mon 16-Oct-23 16:39:13

I forgot to say that OH got on very well with my mum. They both came from extremely poor northern backgrounds but both managed to do well for themselves. OH through education and mum through marriage.

jocork Mon 16-Oct-23 17:04:26

I find my MiL challenging though now she is old and frail and I see her infrequently as I'm divorced from her son. I'm still in touch, which is more than can be said for her other DiL. They never got on. Sadly I don't think anyone would have been good enough for her DSs! She interfered with my childrearing so when my kids were small that was the most difficult time. I won her over eventually by giving her GC but at one time she tried to persuade my ex to 'find someone younger and slimmer' than me. In the end he traded me in for someone younger, but fatter than me!

When my DS married I told my future DiL that my MiL had taught me how not to be a MiL and I hoped she would benefit.! Thankfully she is lovely and we seem to get on well. Her parents are lovely too and I feel part of her family. She is certainly part of mine, such as it is, as I don't see much of the rest of them as we're just not close. I hope she feels the same. She once dropped in on me unplanned, while driving the 200 miles from where they lived at the time to her parents home. My DS wasn't with her and I asked what she'd have done if I wasn't at home and she said she'd have gone to a services somewhere. I was really pleased she had chosen to visit me as she needn't have done so with being on her own. Hopefully that means she feels similarly towards me. I know I'm very lucky.

Diplomat Mon 16-Oct-23 17:05:52

My MiL invited my invited his ex girlfriend round when I first started going out with her son, it didn't bode well for a good relationship between us! At our wedding no comment was made about my dress or the beautiful cake my mother made (although she and my SiL were caught coming out from inspecting it when we arrived at the reception. Her first response when seeing our son for the first time was to turn to me and say ' He's got big feet like you'! I was persuaded against my better judgement for my son to stay with her overnight when he was 3 (20 minutes away) When we arrived next morning she presented me with a letter from an emergency doctor she had called for him in the night, when I asked why she hadn't called us she said 'because he didn't ask for you.' She never looked after him or his sister again. I could go on. I gave up with her in the end, horrible woman. I thank God for the wonderful mother I have who is the total opposite of her.

Doodledog Mon 16-Oct-23 17:07:44

Big feet on a baby grin

She sounds a delight.

Celieanne86 Mon 16-Oct-23 17:15:27

I was very lucky as I always seems to get on well with boyfriends mothers and the lady who had a cafe where we had our breakfast butties from used to talk to me and tell me she had a handsome son who was looking for a nice girlfriend like me. I laughed until I actually saw him one day in the cafe and yes he was both tall and handsome, and best of all he saw me and was smitten. His mother persuaded me to have a date with him which I did and less than two years later she became my MIL. She adored me I was the daughter she had always wanted and I loved her dearly and when I presented her with a granddaughter well I was truly the golden girl. Sadly she became very ill suddenly with Leukaemia and died aged just 47. I only had 6 years with her but I was heartbroken and 59 years later I still miss her and talk about her all the time she was the perfect MIL. My daughter knows how much her grandma Kathy loved her and she visits her grave regularly. I am a MIL myself now have been for quite a few years and we are friendly but that’s all and I have tried honestly I have.

Grandma70s Mon 16-Oct-23 17:42:03

My MIL lived on the other side of the world (Australia), so we didn’t meet often. She was quite a difficult woman, but made a great effort to be nice to me. I tried to be nice too her, too, but we didn’t really get on. My FIL, on the other hand, was adorable.

I like my DIL, but I’m not close to her. Again, she lives at a distance, though in this case only the other end of the country. She has her own mother close at hand, after all. I think she likes me, though, or at least doesn’t dislike me! She is a very good mother to my grandchildren.

Coconut Mon 16-Oct-23 18:01:33

I am blessed with 2 amazing DIL’s, I adore them both, it’s just like having 2 more daughters ! Have also had 2 wonderful MIL’s as well …… it was just their sons I had problems with 🤣

Valkimob Mon 16-Oct-23 18:44:21

I get on very well with my daughter in law. I try to be the mother in law I wish I'd had

nipsmum Mon 16-Oct-23 18:55:06

Got on well with my M I L but my husband did not get on well.with my mother

Chocolatelovinggran Mon 16-Oct-23 19:01:18

I divorced the husband and kept the MIL and SIL. It was a good decision.