Gransnet forums

Relationships

Daughters in law

(65 Posts)
Doodledog Sun 15-Oct-23 12:40:51

There are often threads on MN about mothers in law, and I wondered about the relationship from the 'other side', so to speak. We MILs have usually been DILs in our turn, so comments about that would be interesting too.

Do you get on with your DIL, and if not, what are the sources of conflict? Similarly, do/did you get on with your MIL, and does your husband get along with your mother/

I am lucky with my DIL. She is easy to like and get along with, and I see her as part of the family. It's relatively early days, as she and my son have only been married for 18 months, and they met just before lockdown, so we didn't see a lot of her before they married (they live miles away from us). There are no children yet, so I suppose I have had fewer opportunities to get on her nerves though grin. Still, so far, so good, and it's clear she makes my son happy, which is the main thing. She and my son are staying with us over Christmas, and I know from experience that she is an easy guest, and when I say 'Make yourself at home' I know she will, which is what I want.

I'm also lucky with my MIL, who is still with us at 98. She is sharp as a tack, witty and full of fun, although not as agile as she used to be. She made me welcome in her family when I met Mr Dog at 19, and has always been kind and tolerant towards me. I try to use her as a model with my own DIL.

I am in no way smug about my good fortune - I am well aware that families can be difficult, and as often as not it is nobody's 'fault', but different ways of doing things. What are your experiences?

Diplomat Mon 16-Oct-23 19:08:31

MiL once bought me a microwave for Christmas 'so I can warm up his dinner when he works late'! there was a grand presentation and I was expected to look delighted! Sorry you've hit a nerve with this one!

Alverstone25 Mon 16-Oct-23 19:18:02

I have a lovely daughter in law, she’s a wonderful mother to their two young children and has always been respectful, thoughtful and caring towards us, in fact she’s everything our own daughter isn’t!

We married aged 20, mother in law was a very quiet woman who suffered anxiety and depression, she never initiated conversation or opinion and interacted very little her children and grandchildren, we’d been married 25 years when she died yet I felt like I never really knew her or her me

Katie59 Mon 16-Oct-23 19:25:46

With one DIL there is mutual dislike, the younger DIL is guarded friendly and we do get asked to babysit occasionally. It doesn’t bother me one jot I have plenty else to occupy myself and I’m not really “into” young children these days.

Grams2five Tue 17-Oct-23 05:14:40

I have three daughters in law who are all good women in their own right. One has been around since she and ss were 15/16 and is truly just another of my daughters. In fact she was around before my youngest was born! Our family joke is that she out ranks our youngest in seniority! Another is a a funny, charismatic girl who shares many of my interests and we love to
Grab a cuppa and fill each other in on the latest news and our opinions on such. My third is a genuine , sweet girl and while she and I have some pretty big differences in personal tastes with she is perfect for my youngest son. She balances him out beautifully and makes him so happy. I’m blessed that all three are wonderful mothers and bring a welcome joy to our family , and did so well before grands.

My own mil was a nightmare. A selfish negative toxic woman whom my husband and I cut off entirely eventually.

Sarahr Tue 17-Oct-23 14:02:21

My MIL was a nightmare. Selfish, mean, tight. I always tried to be nice and kind despite everything that I did was aimed at me, always making sure I treated in laws same as my parents. Everything came to a head when I tried to organise a golden wedding anniversary party for them. A gentleman who I had hoped would put me in touch with all their "friends" said " Listen my dear, nobody will come as nobody likes them". That said it all.
I would like to think I would a good mother-in-law to my daughters' partners, however I haven't had a chance as the ex and family dripped the poison and now my children have all cut me out of their lives. Their loss, my wonderful DH and I are living the life and anything left when we go is willed to charity. Karma.

Norah Tue 17-Oct-23 16:13:02

I had a truly lovely MIL and have 4 fantastic SIL (and one who passed, he was wonderful as well). Lucky in all of them!

madeleine45 Tue 17-Oct-23 18:21:51

My first mother in law was defintely a bitch of the highest level. e.g. when invited family to I think it was a near christmas meal , she provided chicken for every one else, but quite calmly said to my husband , " I have done you a steak as you dont like chicken much!!" Thought her wishes should come before all others, when we were offered a good job abroad said to him " I dont want you to be so far away. You could look for something else in England! but the worst thing that she did , that I was totally shocked about was , my husband had to work in London for a few weeks, driving home on friday back sunday night. He stayed with her and proceeded to have an affair with a woman at the place of work and my MIL invited her to dinner and so forth!! I would not have thought of doing such a thing, but in any case, I would never have dreamed or dared to suggest to my mother that she invite another man. or be any part of my deceiving my husband She would never have stood for it, and marriage meant something, and however hypocritical it seems I could not understand him taking her to his mothers!! I stayed with him for quite a while as we had a son and I felt we needed to make an effort, but eventually divorced him and my second husband was the most lovely person who I loved very much. His mother was quite different in style to me but we had in common the love of my husband and she was pleased that he was happy , so we got along well on that basis. My son has a very nice partner, they are not married (their choice) they have one little boy. We do not live very close to each other but make the effort to meet up quite often halfway for a day, besides meeting up at other times but of course the covid situation has been a problem for us all. She has her own way of doing things and I do not criticize. They live very close to her family, and she has taken a while to get to be relaxed and comfortable with me but we get along well and if ever I feel edgy or unhappy about something - so feel my grandson spends too much time on the computer and not enough reading, but I just have to remember the ex MIL and keep quiet , or find another way to encourage reading.

Frosty60 Tue 17-Oct-23 21:36:05

Quokka

My DiL is just so boring and negative . She chudders on and on about people I don’t know and how wrong they are. I grin and bear it, just about.

My DS isn’t married yet to his partner, but they’ve been together 12 years and I’ve 2 beautiful GD. But his partner sounds very much like your DIL. His partner is always negative and can always find even just 1 small thing to complain about. I’m the same I grin and bear it purely for my DS and DGD’s

dragonfly46 Tue 17-Oct-23 22:35:25

My MiL was a nightmare and regarded me as not good enough. My DH did not really get on with her either but she used to come and stay for two weeks twice a year until she died aged 103.

My DiL and I have worked hard at our relationship at now get on quite well although I do wish she was a little kinder to my DS who does everything for her and the 2 children.

Allsorts Wed 18-Oct-23 19:30:50

I had a good relationship with both my mill’s. Used to call my first one mom. My dil is a lovely girl, never had a cross word, but I don’t see her often, she is all her family. I don’t say anything as I used to see my darling gc quite often, it’s only natural she prefers her family and she and my son are very happy and good parents. Do think a lot of people have unrealistic ideas about how involved they expect to be in their children’s lives, know a lot are very close though and that’s wonderful.

DiamondLily Fri 20-Oct-23 10:03:17

I get on great with my DIL - but, she is a complete drama llama, everything is a drama lol, so if I had to see her regularly, I'm not sure how that would pan out.

But, my son and family live in America (she's American), so although we message and chat frequently, visits are only approx once a year.

When she's over here, I bite my tongue a lot, and we get on wonderfully well. 😉

Katie59 Fri 20-Oct-23 11:23:45

Although I don’t get on with my direct DILs, one is hostile, one guarded. I remarried so I have 3 step DILs they are lovely, my husband rewrote his will and showed it to all of us, so there is no uncertainty of inheritance. I get the house for life they get the other property, I have my own index linked pension so income will be fine.
Eldest daughter lives closeby, dads care would have eventually fallen on her, so she’s pleased that I will have the main responsibility there.

Lovetopaint037 Fri 20-Oct-23 16:00:13

My dad gave me the best piece of advice which has enabled me to have a non confrontational, loving relationship with all my in-laws; that is never argue with any of them. Whatever is said never let it get to you Let it all go over your head as anything else just isn’t worth it.

Tilly8 Wed 25-Oct-23 19:04:11

I have a wonderful DIL - she loves my son and makes him very happy - what more does a mother want? We now have a beautiful grandson and she is very generous with him - we look after him two days per week. We regularly get together as a family and she even invites me on days out with her and our grandson. I do not take any of this for granted.

My MIL is a tough northern woman who has lived a difficult life with very little love shown her. I’ve always tried but I think she sees me as an over enthusiastic fusspot. Ah well you can’t win them all!!