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Daughter marriage in trouble

(26 Posts)
Pumpkinpie Sun 29-Oct-23 01:25:36

My DD has been married for 7years together for 9 years before that . 2 wonderful adopted GC. Her husband works hard is great with kids but we’ve never been close it’s felt as if she’s kept us at a distance.
Over the last year she’s been having counselling and it has felt like I’ve been getting my DD back. She’s been talking more and I’ve been able to help her , the house is chaotic 2 children with SEN
I’ve had to bite my lip many times as they are often glued to their phones instead of doing basic housework. Recently she asked me if I thought she had ADHD and it’s been like a light bulb moment. It explains so much of her issues with organisation and poor timekeeping. Her relationship with her dad has been strained for many years because it was like she did things just to anatagonise him.
I digress. We had a very frank discussion and she told me some things about her marriage that has left me reeling. Her H doesn’t touch her or want intimacy for over 16!yrs - She is wondering about ending her marriage and Co parenting with her H as friends
Leaving the kids with him in the family home as he’s the bigger Warner- she works full time . But going before and after school , basically just not sleeping there.
She’s talking about letting him have the house etc
I don’t think she is thinking this through and I’m very worried about her emotional and financial future.
Her H obviously cares about her , bends over backwards to make her happy but …..
She’s so young to feel undesirable.
I’m really struggling to be supportive but at the same time don’t want her to make mistakes she will regret

Coolgran65 Sun 29-Oct-23 03:40:18

Your daughter doesn't sound to be in the right emotional strategy be making big decisions at present.
I do think that before taking any steps she should see a solicitor for advice about leaving the house etc.

Coolgran65 Sun 29-Oct-23 03:40:55

* emotional state.....

coco12 Sun 29-Oct-23 09:25:11

Sorry to hear this. Would they consider counselling?

Redhead56 Sun 29-Oct-23 09:32:50

I would advise her to go and see her doctor before anything else she does sound anxious. Wrong decisions are often made in times of stress she needs a clear mind to see things how they really are.
I hope you can talk to her and she gets any help she can it must be so distressing for you all.

Pumpkinpie Sun 29-Oct-23 09:35:29

Thankyou Coolgran I agree
It’s been strange . Her personality changed so much . She met him when she was 17 and she’s moulded her interests to his shutting us out
For a longtime it felt like she was very angry with us and it ended up I had to hold off back away because I was afraid I’d never see her again
This has changed she’s now affectionate again and although not as close as I’d like I don’t feel every conversation will end in her swearing and slamming the phone down.
It feels like she’s going back to when she was 18. She met and old boyfriend and his little girl once after chatting online - her H said it was ok and has been meeting old university friends again. I had been suggesting for years that she would benefit from keeping her own fiends and having time away from the kids

I am waking up every day with a horrific sense of dread and my heart beating so fast ….

I want to talk to them both but the last thing I want is to exacerbate things.
Her H is very calm and too understanding

coco12 Sun 29-Oct-23 09:49:14

It's awful when our children aren't right isn't it. Hope they can find a way through

Pumpkinpie Sun 29-Oct-23 09:53:03

Thankyou for your comments it helps to know others share my concerns and I’m not just being “mercenary “ . She loves her kids so much but seems oblivious of the need to keep a roof over her head

Nanatoone Sun 29-Oct-23 10:06:47

I tend to think counselling for them both would be a good option. My own did this last year when on the brink and it gave them the opportunity to talk but not accuse or be thought to accuse each other. They are once again the love birds they used to be and without the counselling would not be.

Granmarderby10 Sun 29-Oct-23 10:11:31

Just a note of caution: husband is older than her, - is that correct?
Any way she is still the children’s mother and I sense that “he” is trying to “ease her out” of the picture, both physically and emotionally.
So ideally your daughter requires professional legal advice and guidance to mitigate any attempts by her husband to claim that she is unfit - in any way, no matter how nice and hard working he has been.

She needs an advocate to ensure that her current and completely understandable vulnerability is not taken advantage of and that she is not rushed into decisions that will have far reaching consequences for her children.

There are some men who come to see there spouse/partner as a means to a family ( having kids) and once achieved effectively lose all interest in them in the romantic/sexual sense, treating the partner as just another older child perhaps. I’ve witnessed this.
Women have done this for years subconsciously, it is just still seen as unusual in men.

Pumpkinpie Sun 29-Oct-23 14:29:56

Yes he is 4 years older. He does pacify her like a child sometimes. Treating her as if she’s having a tantrum rather than a life partner.
I feel as if she’s the one doing the erasing at the moment.
She’s stepping back and letting him do more with the kids as if she’s preparing them. She has very little money she had maxed out her current account the majority of her wage goes on childcare and fuel- to childminder work and their activities. If she did leave she’s no money to rent or live . H pays other bills and also gets the kids DLA paid into his account, but she’s clueless about cost and leaves it to him - she’s a clever lady but her attitude to money borders irresponsible
Her H is a good family man but has never really acted as if he loves her as much as she did. I had raised concerns very early on and this created a rift . Now I wonder if I had voiced what she tried to ignore

Hithere Sun 29-Oct-23 15:21:51

I see several things mixed all together in your posts

The status of her marriage
The relationship you wish to have with her
Past issues with her father
Possible unresolved or doubts about mental health issues on her side

Apart from your support, she needs professional help.

Having two sen kids is already a lot.

Pumpkinpie Sun 29-Oct-23 15:35:54

Thankyou Hithere
I don’t think it helps that her husband sees things as being her issues singular rather than things they need to do as a couple to improve intimacy.

JaneJudge Sun 29-Oct-23 15:36:11

The DLA money should be used to pay for their activities and childcare and your daughter needs some money for herself. This actually sounds like financial abuse

I agree with all the other posters, she needs professional help and she needs not to be pushed into making decisions at the moment, especially financial and regarding the children

It is GOOD she is talking to you though.

welbeck Sun 29-Oct-23 15:46:43

where does she propose living if she shipped out and left him with the children in the house;
not with you i hope !
she must not do anything precipitous; it could affect her legal and financial position.
she needs to see a solicitor re family law, would she be open to going along with you initially.
she sounds v muddled and as if she needs practical support, as well as professional advice.
hope it all works out.
don't get involved in matrimonial matters, grounds for divorce etc.
that is her private life, leave it to the experts.

Hithere Sun 29-Oct-23 16:13:09

"Thankyou Hithere
I don’t think it helps that her husband sees things as being her issues singular rather than things they need to do as a couple to improve intimacy"

It is HER marriage, HER husband, THEIR issue to fix.

BTW, is this the guy you have such a good opinion of and bends over backwards for her?

Pumpkinpie Sun 29-Oct-23 16:16:23

I do appreciate the advice and that my concerns are valid x
Some difficult conversations ahead I think.
It’s very hard to be supportive and not intrusive but I’m trying very hard x

Pumpkinpie Sun 29-Oct-23 16:22:59

Her H does the shopping washing drys clothes , sorts all bills, manages family appointments. she walks dog takes kids to and from childminders, does most of after school activities.
He has various interests that take up Wednesday and Sundays and other nights .
DD life revolves around work home and kids . She is finally starting to do things for her.
But neither of them devote time to each other as a couple

Hithere Sun 29-Oct-23 16:27:42


You clearly disagree on the rules THEY have decided for their own marriage

You did not marry her or him - you are getting overinvolved on a marriage that is not yours

Pumpkinpie Mon 06-Nov-23 12:02:23

What a nasty comment Hithere

I’ve tried very hard not to advise or express an opinion even when she asks. I posted to gain a unbiased opinions .

Recently I have been going more but just to clean and just try and alieviate as much stress as possible. Take GC out etc .
She never wanted me to do this before and was very cross if she thought anyone was questioning her parenting.
Adoption seems to = never needing help because she chose to have GC ,

They were drowning in housework even with a weekly cleaner as DD just gave up . I offered and it was accepted I didn’t just let my self into their home.

I really am worried about her. She doesn’t look well and I’m at a loss to help her .
Not because I’m interfering but because I’m worried about her

welbeck Mon 06-Nov-23 14:12:54

has she been to see the doctor.
that would be a start.

Norah Mon 06-Nov-23 14:20:17

I attempted to sift through all the comments. Excuse me if I missed my question. Is it possible that her husband is dealing with figuring out he is gay? Perhaps that would shed light on some issues?

To the remainder: perhaps a solicitor? They may need to sort details.

Madgran77 Mon 06-Nov-23 18:50:43



You clearly disagree on the rules THEY have decided for their own marriage

You did not marry her or him - you are getting overinvolved on a marriage that is not yours

I think you are ignoring the fact that this Mother is worried about them, That is human and normal and caring not interfering.

The OP is trying to find a way through a difficult situation and is asking for advice which SHOULD be based on what she has actually said not on an automatic assumption that she is being interfering or over involved. She has made it clear several times that she doesn't do anything without their agreement and from what she has said they clearly do need some help. Like we all do sometimes....!!

Fleur20 Mon 06-Nov-23 20:00:34

I would suggest..
A GP appointment.
A therapist appointment.
A solicitors appointment.

All of them just for her... on her own.
Listen to her, dont try to fix anything, just be a sounding board.

Pumpkinpie Mon 06-Nov-23 20:36:46

She’s not seen a GP just been prescribed medication and given a sick note
She has been therapy . Those sessions are what’s allowed all these feelings to come to surface
No to a solicitor. She said she would just leave H the house as he was main bread winner - I don’t think she’s thinking clearly.
I am extremely worried about her