I don’t want to see my son anymore

Be careful because forever is a long time.

Yes petra - as most OPs do ..

I might be wrong but I don’t think the OP is coming back or even reading. Just a feeling I have or the last time she posted was the 19th December.

Goodness me, does it all warrant not seeing your son anymore?

I am very sorry this is forcing a wedge between you both but without coming across as harsh, your son is not a little boy anymore, he is a grown man with thoughts and ideas that seem to be far away from your own, you really must try and understand that, it's hard, i know it is, i am not trying to be harsh but he is your son, please dont cut him off, also once again without sounding harsh, there are 2 sides to every story. X

Unfortuantley I know this feeling Just because they are our children does not guarantee that we will ike them as a person I have two sons..one is a near Angel the other a devil ..un caring harsh and un feeling--what can we do--nothing--just accept it and have least to do with them as possible becasue they bring negativitiy to our lives and that should always be eradicated right..

Excellent post Doddledog, that's how it is today for working families. It doesn't mean your children don't love you because you don't seem them as often as you'd like. Often they are run ragged trying to fit in everything.

Your DS is perfectly entitled go away for a few days for Xmas. I do think Xmas can get blown up.out of proportion. Just see him another day and enjoy his company . I would really try hard to avoid a falling out . There are
So many estranged AC these days and I speak as one who has first hand experience. It seems like a plague at the moment. I genuinely would not wish it on my worst enemy.

So how did Christmas go for you not justaprettyface?
Hope it was better than expected.

Doodledog I couldn’t have put it better myself 😂. All our adult children work full time, one lives far away anyway, teenage children to run around. We buy in what help we can and see them when they are free

I think that sometimes expectations can be based on unrealistic understandings of how lives and lifestyles differ between (and within) families. My sister and I were discussing this last night, as my mum is fond of saying how she is 'sorry for' friends whose families 'don't bother with them'. My mum can be manipulative, so this is likely to be code for 'you should do more', but that's a different story. The reality is that the families in question actually do a lot for their older relatives, but maybe not in the way that many of my mum's generation were able to do.

My mum didn't work, so had all day to herself when we were at school. She lived near her own mum, so could easily drop in on her way to the shops to see if my grandmother needed anything whilst she was there. My father worked 9-5, Monday-Friday, so if something needed to come down from the loft, or a fence needed fixing, he had every evening and weekend free to do it if my grandmother couldn't manage. As children, we didn't have anywhere near as many after-school activities as are available nowadays, so we were able to run errands where necessary, too.

It's not fair to compare this to a family (such as the one currently being criticised) in which both parents work long and irregular hours, including evenings and weekends which they juggle to fit around school runs and childcare. They live a car journey away from my mum's friend, their children have classes and clubs which between them take up at least part of most evenings, and things like shopping are fitted in where possible, or delivered. It's hectic. Of course there is not the same likelihood that the woman (it is always the woman who is blamed) can drop in three times a week, stay for coffee to keep her MIL or mum company, run errands and 'bother with' her. It's not that they don't care, although constant guilt-tripping is very off-putting, but that there isn't time.

Maybe it is a case of wanting payback for the times when the now older generation was young, and felt under an obligation to entwine their lives more than is usual now, and it seems unfair that when it should be 'their turn' things have changed? I don't know, but maybe you would feel less hurt if you consider the practicalities of what is involved with Christmas for your son's new family, and what would have to give for him to spend it with you every year? They will want downtime too (often forgotten when both partners work) as well as to make their own traditions and spend time with friends as well as family. It must be hard having your husband in a nursing home, so maybe you are taking things to heart more than usual, but I think you will regret it if you cut your son off over this.

If one or more of if my AC wanted to go away for Christmas I would be perfectly ok about that , why shouldn't they ? The one thing you should not do is cut yourself off from your son . I have read enough stories on GN to know that is not a wise decision - you would loose the battle!
Your son and his wife have their own priorities and hard as it is to accept you are not top of their list. My AC have their lives to lead , I know they love me and their father and we accept they are now a unit and sometimes we have to take a back seat! They are getting on with their lives and we are proud they are doing that, they too will become like us in time and I hope they are able to sit back and watch their AC spread their wings and feel they have done a decent job of bringing up their children. Just be proud of a job well done and watch them flourish.

You are placing far too much importance upon Xmas which is the festive season , no more.
I am sorry about you son's romantic obsession but you need to bear with it until he learns more common sense.

I think some posts are pretty harsh. This happened to me, some people be very clever at manipulating theirpartner.
I'm sorry for you OP, but as Redhead said, don't voice your feelings, get on with your own life. Sometimes things just aren't as we would like them.
But don't cut yourself off. I hope you cope alright with Christmas day. x

Oh dear! Maybe you are better on your own.

You say your son is rude and authoritative OP , but you are behaving the same.
Referring to his wife and the mother of his child as that person - …. Is not kind.
If you treat her like this it’s no surprise they don’t want to spend their Christmas with you.
Respect runs two ways
Be careful what you say . Threatening not to see him because he’s spending the holiday could backfire badly.

Lovetopaint037

So much fuss and trouble over who and how Christmas is to be spent. You read the problems on Gransnet and Mumsnet. Why this is so is often difficult to understand. You would think that Christmas Day was the only day in the year you can get together as a family. It is understandable that a young family would enjoy a holiday while they have the opportunity. I would suggest you spend the day with your dh at the Home for at least part of the time. Other than that that plan the day in the best way you can and try to enjoy yourself.

Hear, hear - the emotional baggage of Christmas!
Another one to add to my list of “Are we overthinking Christmas”
Is it worth falling out for the other 364 days of the year?

Lovetopaint037 I think the easier means of communication and travel have become, the more difficult some people find it is to let go the apronstrings and treat their children as adults.

When I think back to past generations, my parents generation separated for years by wartime service, families when adult children and their families might live hundreds of miles away and only be able to afford one journey home a year.

My father was in the army and at times, when stationed abroad our grandparents didn't see us for 2 or 3 years at a time and all communication was by letter - at least we had airmail - generations before us, it was seamail and letters could take months to reach the recipient.

And now we have all these grandmothers having the vapours because they will not see an adult child on Christmas day.

So much fuss and trouble over who and how Christmas is to be spent. You read the problems on Gransnet and Mumsnet. Why this is so is often difficult to understand. You would think that Christmas Day was the only day in the year you can get together as a family. It is understandable that a young family would enjoy a holiday while they have the opportunity. I would suggest you spend the day with your dh at the Home for at least part of the time. Other than that that plan the day in the best way you can and try to enjoy yourself.

It seems a little drastic to cut off contact with your son just because he and his family will be away for Christmas. I think you need to be a little more flexible and fluid - peoples' plans do change and although you are disappointed that they will be away over Christmas - plan ahead and ask if they will join you at the Nursing Home for a mini celebration or an alternative Christmas day when they are back.
I think the old adage of 'A son's a son till he takes a wife etc etc' seems to fit your situation - you don't seem to realise that there are other people that are pivotal in your sons' life now and you must take a step back and allow him to decide his priorities but be openly warm and welcoming when you do see him.

You can’t change anyone else though
If your son and wife are going to be away for Christmas he cant visit his dad can he ? And that’s for him to sort out in his own head and feel comfortable with. A disappointment for you obviously but a decision only he can make not one he can be forced into
It’s a darned shame if you cut any of your kids out of your life just because they aren’t doing things the way you would want
Most kids can disappoint us and I m sure we disappoint them on occasions
Put it behind you

Hi Stansgran
Yes I would have liked some backup on Christmas Day and I would have liked my son to visit his dad on that day
I think I am going to find it hard

Thanks Romola for your kind message
I do get on with dil s parents especially her mum who is lovely and very welcoming
In fact I don’t understand why her daughter is so different
But anyway they live 150 miles away so it’s quite tricky isn’t it

Thanks Merylstreep
I love you too ! 😊

You’ve posted that you have a difficult relationship with your daughter. Now it’s your son. You have complained that your husband doesn’t like you grandson at your home. You’ve posted about your arguments with the care home.
Time to look in the mirror I think.

Stansgran

I wonder if OP wants her son to visit on Christmas Day in the nursing home? Going in to visit her DH on her own must be poignant especially if it’s his first Christmas there or possibly his last. I haven’t noticed any background to this situation. Keep doors open .

Some people simply can’t deal with illness, even in their nearest and dearest.