Son taking fiancés surname when married

I didnt want to go back to my maiden name when I divorced so I just chose a name I liked from my grandmothers side of the family and used that. My mother was upset but she had no say in the matter. People can use any name they wish as long as its not for an illegal purpose. If I had re-married I would never have taken my husbands name because it smacks of "ownership".

biglouis, I took my first husbands name in 1967, I was very young and never felt the name represented me. I divorced him and considered taking my mum’s family name which I like. I decided to return to my family name, that is my father’s family name because I’d been known in that name most of my life

GrannyRose15

In Iceland everyone keeps the name they got at birth. Along with the small number of people, it causes immense problems when dating - working out if you are related or not.

Icelandic surnames are very complicated as they follow a patronymic system whereby children take the form of their father's (sometimes mother's) first name plus sson/dottir to indicate son or daughter. The surname simply tells you who the father was

So Olaf Svensson's children will not have the surname Svensson - a son will be Olafsson and a daughter Olafsdottir - so siblings do not have the same surname.

It was a system common in all Nordic countries although it has died out in others although the history carries on the the names ending in son/sson/sen (Erikson, Eriksson, Eriksen)

In some Nordic countries if a baby is born to unmarried parents the baby automatically gets the mother's surname.

Back to OP's issue - it can be a hard thing for families that their name might not carry on because they are only children or because there are no boys in the generation. Many couples want to keep family history or culture alive.

It really is not uncommon at all for couples not to follow the woman taking man's name scenario
- some women keep their own name for work - I did this in the 1980s so 40 years ago and not a new thing. My passport remained in my own name
- some use double names - ie Helen Ashton-Brown/Helen Ashton Brown - I did this when I remarried over 30 years ago. Sometimes the husband adopts the double surname sometimes not
- Sometimes the husband takes their wife's name. I've known several couples who did this.
- Sometimes couples adopt a totally new name - a work colleague and wife adopted the name of the farm/village where he proposed.

Why are you "hurt and upset"? Why does it matter so much to you?
The only important thing is they should live happliy together.

My son did it many years ago. It can cause confusion with newer acquaintances, as his older and younger brothers have our name. It actually made it into the local paper when his mother in law went to the newspaper office to place the marriage announcement, as they thought it was a lovely story. Mother in law was delighted, as it saved her the price of the announcement!

Luckygirl3

Why are you "hurt and upset"? Why does it matter so much to you?
The only important thing is they should live happliy together.

Exactly this.

There are many adjustments that need to be made on all sides when the family dynamic changes.

I had a friend who kept her own surname after marriage, but double barrelled it with her husbands. So she had two surnames, double barrelled. I have been thinking lately, that I would like to have my own surname back, instead of my husband's, but I think it's a bit late in the day after all these years. I feel it's who I really am. It's part of me.

Just to add.. My cousin 's son married a "A lister" film star's daughter. He already had a double barreled surname so she uses 3 surnames all joined together.

p.s. I don't think it would have bothered me greatly if my son had wanted to adopt his new wife's name after marriage - but it would have hurt my husbands feelings. He is our only son and it's traditional to pass on the surname through the male line. I suppose I have mixed feelings on the matter. I love traditions, and like to keep them alive where possible, but would not have minded my son changing his surname.

I don't see it mattets which name they use. He will still be your DS. It's not like he is disowning you and not speaking to you. Go with the flow. If you challenge their decision it could drive a wedge between you.

My SiL was one of 13 children with a pretty normal surname. DD and DS where the last two children with our surname in this country, and there are very few in the rest of the world. It seemed sensible for SiL to take her name and keep the line going.

I really regret not keeping my maiden name. When I got married it would have been very unusual not to but it makes me feel as though you are someones chattel. My husband is quite a feminist so if we were marrying now he probably wouldn't have minded at all.

Witzend

Dd never took SiL’s name, for both professional and ‘principle’ reasons. Neither did a Dsis many years previously.

However I noticed that a very traditionally minded elder sister very recently addressed a card to dd and SiL as Mr and Mrs (Son in Law’s surname).
Dd would shrug it off. I doubt it was deliberate, just automatic habit.

Writing envelopes is a very complicated businesss these days. Do you use Miss Mrs Ms do you just use husbands surname or his Christian name too as of old. Which surname do you use. I often resort to writing Christian name and surname for both parties or in some cases just Christian names. Jack and John The Beeches Newtown does still sound wrong to me but I think it gets the letter to its destination. And hopefully doesn’t cause offence.

I’ve been married three times. Twice to men and latterly to a woman. (Divorce pending). The first time in 1976. On no occasion did I ever consider changing my surname. It really never occurred to me to do so. It was rather unconventional to start with. My parents were not chuffed but I refused to change something that was so significant to me and they had to accept it. It has made divorces easier to deal with!

Mollygo - my maiden name was longer than the one you discussed.
Most people I know with long names don't sign with the whole of it. I used only some of mine in my signature - and though I took my husband's name I still abbreviate my first name and only use an initial as a middle one.

DDiL simply kept her own last name. No hyphening, she is Miss Smith who is married to Mr Brown. My S and DiL did not marry until their mid-30s and both had established reputations in their careers, and a change of name would have caused confusion.

The children have their father's name.

Where is Catherine28?

Having had time to think about it a bit more are you feeling more content?

well janet street porter kept her first husbands name after their divorce and even after her several other marriages.. she liked it better than Bull, her maiden name..
she told us about it in her book and frequently on tv. just saying!

I'm the last of my father's family with my sername. My father had only sisters and my great uncles were unmarried.
I would have double-barreled it with my husband but it would have had too many S and e's so I went with husbands which was unusual in our part of the country at the time.
Both my daughters work under their maiden names and have children with their fathers, which I do think helps children at school. I can remember sitting with a pile of envelopes to go home saying whose mummy is called Miss....... because it was different to the child and it was embarrassing and not very polite.
What does it matter my mother knew a whole family called Water who changed their name and I went to School with a Mouse, I am sure they have been changed by now.

I think it is up to them. Try not to let it upset you because they will probably do it anyway.

NotSpaghetti

Mollygo - my maiden name was longer than the one you discussed.
Most people I know with long names don't sign with the whole of it. I used only some of mine in my signature - and though I took my husband's name I still abbreviate my first name and only use an initial as a middle one.

I asked the parents what they wanted, reminding them that their child would need to write their whole name on exam papers, starting with the Y2 SAT. About half way through Y1 I was informed that child X was now to be known by her 9 letter first name and her 8 letter surname. It wasn’t a problem for me, but it was lucky the girl was quite good at letter formation. In class she was known by a short form of her first e.g. Ginny, for Guinevere as originally requested by her parents.
I’d still like to hear examples of what happens when two db surnames marry. If they’ve kept both names because they value each equally.

Catherine, I do understand . However…....... In the grand scheme of things please ask yourself " how much does it really matter?" There are surely more important issues to fret about.

Sad maybe, but not hurt and upset.
Just think, for many years how a girl’s parents felt when she married and became Mrs Smith instead of Miss Taylor, especially if it meant that a family name died out. Nowadays we are more broad- minded, less traditional.
Nothing to take offence at, just be happy for the couple and say nothing.

On my second marriage, I married someone with the same surname as my maiden name. So I am truly me.

I didn't change my surname on marriage and that was 1972 so I don't buy the "that was how it was in those days" argument.