Problems with my adult son part 2

You've made an argument out of nothing.

Their plan was, both sets of grandparents not Aunts, Uncles, cousins etc.

Your daughter and her children were never invited, yet you've tried to involve them, your son has said no and you've caused an argument with your son about it!

It's not about your other grandchildren it's about the one who's birthday it is.

This is a you problem, not them.

Your son and his wife might want their child's party treat at the zoo to be focused on the birthday girl with just her parents, siblings I she has any and the birthday girl's grandparents. If they are a bit jealous of your relationship with your daughter and her kids they might think that with your other grand children there, as you have a great relationship with them , the focus will be taken off the birthday child. We were always the more the merrier, but not everybody is like that and so often on Mumsnet you read of issues like that with dils comparing their children's relationship with that of the daughter's children.
I would go along to the zoo, have a good time, make a fuss of said grandchild and say nothing about your daughter's thoughts/wishes on the subject.
I would avoid as much as possible saying anything to your son about your feelings on wanting everybody there. Inevitably everything you say will be mentioned to your Dil who will put her own interpretation on what you are saying. I used to tell my own mother this when tensions occurred with her sons. You can say anything you like to me, but not to your sons. They will inevitably talk over everything with their own wives. Not necessarily to make trouble, sometimes to try to get said wife to try to please mum...but fireworks can result.
Incidentally are there other cousins on dils side of the family? If they are not invited then it would be difficult to invite your grandchildren and daughter.
I would leave well alone with relationship with sister. Invite them separately, enjoy them separately.
You can't make them come together for Sunday lunch and even if they did to 'keep the peace' inevitably there would be tensions and might result in a perfectly avoidable row.
Sorry this is long. Made me think of how my own mother felt similarly to you, thought she could openly say so ...but everything was far better when she didn't and has maintained good relationships all round. 💐

'My daughter so my sons sister would have liked to come as she has a free pass for that zoo and 3 young kids to keep happy on a January afternoon'

So she can go whenever she likes.

It also doesn't need to be 'tense' if you're going to go and cause an atmosphere on your grandchild's birthday, don't go.

You taken a lovely invite and turned it into a confrontation. You imply your DIL is trouble making [actually she does have a say in her child's birthday arrangements too, it's her life too] and you will be 'tense' on Saturday. That is not being cooperative or pleasant at all. You're going to create an atmosphere from the off. Don't be a nightmare MIL.

This is all because your son wishes that your grandchild has an outing with it's parents and grandparents! Your daughter seems to be making a meal of this and winding you up. Don't get involved. it's not about you, or her, it's about your son wanting to have your company...and you are rejecting him. There is a danger you will see much less of your grandchild in the future if you keep rubbishing your son's life, needs and views on how he wishes to lead his life.

So son and daughter don't get on, it happens all the time. let them negotiate it as they wish...not how you want. Daughter sounds like she is over reacting anyway, too much drama.

My 2 sons aren't close, and don't see each other much - rarely on family occasions. But there's a respect for their differences. I don't take sides, my relationship with both is good and it's their relationship between them to address, not mine.

Seems you are giving yourself a huge dose of stress by wanting so much control. It's making you unwell, let go.

Just take what you are given and be glad. Please as I said before you are going to alienate your son and dil. If you invite guests for dinner and had it all planned how would you feel if they said can four others come too? I suggest you would be annoyed thinking it was an awful cheek as it is your house, your dinner and your plans.

I know you would love them all to get on but they don’t and trying to force it will only make things worse. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

So much good advice here, but I sense that OP will cause an atmosphere on the day, there will be a row and we will soon get Part 3. It seems she just can’t stop interfering in her children’s relationship or siding with/being wound up by her daughter.

I agree with all the previous advice on here . It's up to your DS and his wife who they invite . They may feel your DGD will be swaped by her 3 cousins and it's her big day . You are lucky to have contact with all your DGC . Just got to one of the estrangement threads to see how common that is . You have to accept to see them separately if that is what they prefer . If you invite them all to yours that's different because that's your invitation . You can't force the relationship of Adults .

I do hope you'll take on board the responses you've had Notjustaprettyface because it would be awful if you were to jeopardise your relationship with your son, d.i.l. and their children.

Op

You are lucky your son and dil gave you another chance after the Christmas incident.

Yet, you refuse to learn and keep making it about yourself

One day your son and dil will refuse to deal with you and you will wonder why.

You have a difficult personality- deal with it and it will all improve

Nail on the head, Hithere

And as Germanshepherdsmum posted we will soon get part 3

March

'My daughter so my sons sister would have liked to come as she has a free pass for that zoo and 3 young kids to keep happy on a January afternoon'

So she can go whenever she likes.

It also doesn't need to be 'tense' if you're going to go and cause an atmosphere on your grandchild's birthday, don't go.

So how did your daughter know about the trip? Your son had asked for your company but obviously wouldn’t have asked his sister. There was no need for her to know.

Your son and daughter have fallen out. Leave them to it and stop acting as a go-between or you will end up with neither of them. Just enjoy each separately when you are given the opportunity and stop trying to push them together.

And stop talking to each of them about the other,

I'm sorry but having read about the previous problems and now this just makes me think one thing - you're the problem. Stop trying to constantly bring them together - they don't want to be so respect their wishes.

Knowing that they don’t get on you deliberately stirred things up by trying to get your daughter and three children invited when they didn’t need to know anything about the day out. Your son asked you to his child’s birthday not the other three who would have dominated the day. Please just turn up, smile, and enjoy the fact you were invited. Go to the zoo with your daughter sometime if that is what you both want to do.
Once AC are parents it is often true that they see less of each other and less of you. Sunday lunch is lovely but quite often their only day off together.

Your son and daughter are 2 grown adults. They are no longer children who have to play together nicely; they're 2 completely separate individuals who have grown to have their own personalities, their own belief systems and their own lives which may, or may not be compatible with each other. If they do; that's lovely for everyone, especially you. But if they don't, which is often the case, that's just the way it is. Just because they're related doesn't mean that they have to enjoy each other's company. If you keep forcing them together, you're running the risk of both of them getting fed up with you keep trying to "fix things". Leave them alone to be the individuals they are. Enjoy the company of whichever one you're with but for goodness sake, listen to what your son is telling you and stop trying to engineer a relationship with his sister where none exists.

Notjustaprettyface

Hello dragonfly 46
Thanks for your reply
But what do I do about inviting them together for a Sunday lunch. ,which I like to do ?
What if my daughter says she doesn’t want to come ?

Go ahead with the meal without your daughter...her choice not to come, not yours ....that is what I would do in those circumstances

My son has said a firm no to this request and my daughter knows this although he hasn’t had the courage to tell her to her face.

Good for him. And he has no need to tell your daughter to her face as she wasn't invited.
Who told her about it anyway... ?

I stand with my daughter on this as I would have loved to go out with all 4 grandchildren

Do you think the other grandparents would want someone else's three grandchildren gate-crashing their grandchild's birthday outing?

I am going to the zoo on Saturday but it will be tense as I really don’t agree with what he’s done

If you're going to go with that attitude and cause an atmosphere, you are going to spoil the birthday treat for your grandchild, her parents and her other grandparents.
Are you really that inconsiderate and selfish?

So I have told my son how I feel and this has triggered another row and him saying a lot of hurtful things to me and being mildly threatening regarding me seeing them inc the gc

Listen to your son. You're in the wrong. You've been warned.

Notjustaprettyface I'm not unsympathetic to your situation. Two of my children don't get on and I used to try and "help." It just got me caught in the crossfire as well.
Reading previous threads on here made me realise that they are adults and responsible for their own relationship, or lack of it.

Your daughter wasn’t invited and the situation seems to have arises because boundaries aren’t respected.

Go to the zoo and enjoy your GC birthday and forget about the stuff with your daughter. She’s an adult and presumably with a pass can go to the zoo whoever she wants too?

Excellent post V3ra.

If it were me, I’d go and enjoy it for the little grand daughter. It’s her birthday after all. The day should be about her not everybody else.

Just a thought, maybe your son finds your daughter’s children a but of a handful and wants his little girls birthday to be special. What’s wrong with that. Be grateful to have been asked. Don’t mention your daughter and children on the day and spoil it for your son and his daughter !

Oh dear. It seems that despite the Christmas incident you’ve gone and been granted a lovely olive branch from Your son and daughter - an invitation to the zoo to celebrate grandchild’s birthday, and turned it into a row with both your children. If it weren’t so sad I’d say that’s quite a talent! Why on earth would you try to invite the daughter and her children to someone else’s event? Especially someone you know they don’t get on with? It was incredibly rude and insensitive. You need to accept that when it comes to their relationship you simply aren’t part of it - and your wants “to see all four grandchildren together “ simply aren’t of importance. By putting yourself in the middle of your ac disagreements you make yourself out as part of the problem and are risking a relationship with both children. Stop doing that ! See them seperatley and let them have at it - and whatever you do you must stop referencing how their father wouldn’t have liked that , or wouldn’t have allowed such etc. it can be seen as using their deceased fathers memory in an attempt at guilting them into behaving the way you want and will surely backfire on you.

The poster thinks everything is about her and hasn’t learned. I feel sorry for both her AC asa she has obviously no respect for them. My AC are not particularly close so I avoid asking them together unless it is unavoidable. Much better that way and I am not taking sides.

I think the OP is being wound up by her daughter. She actually says in her post that she "stands with her daughter on this". Stands with her daughter on what exactly. The assertion that she can gatecrash her niece's birthday trip so she can keep "3 young kids happy on a January afternoon." It's not her place to dictate.

The daughter sounds selfish and manipulative. She is obviously jealous of her brother and doesn't give a fig if her mother falls out with him. I suspect she'd actually be rather gleeful.

Is there much inheritance at stake here?

OP you need to take a step back.You have no control over how others behave and stop talking about them to them.

I have 3 adult children and keep out of their personal lives,I never give advice ,unless asked.

My children and their families are all holidaying together in March,I will be pet sitting.They are capable of arranging all this without me needing to intervene at all.

Stop interfering is my advice.