Does anyone know what an emotional affair is?

MayBee70

I always had male friends because they used to take me to sporting events that my husband wasn’t interested in. They were all pure friendship. Then my husband started seeing someone he was engaged to at uni. I trusted him but then my daughter saw an email she’d sent to him saying he couldn’t visit again in case he tried it on again. I’m afraid it was the start of his male menopause stuff that resulted in him having a full blown affair.

I think this is what my sister is afraid of MayBee.The frequent messaging will probably lead to "let's meet for coffee/lunch.Which in turn might lead to reminiscing about their past relationship and" rekindled "feelings. By the way,to those who thought otherwise,I am not interfering in their relationship.I merely want to support my sister and be there for her.I,m sure she would do the same for me if the situation was reversed.

Your sister is jumping the gun in thinking that but as her husband is being open about the communication, she has the opportunity to get in front of things and to head off any potential escalation.

She could say, Are you planning to meet up with [name] as I’d very much like to meet her. Or even suggest something. Why don’t the three or even four of us meet up for lunch?

How he reacts to this will be an indication of what is going on his head.

Of course, people in couples are entitled to have their own friends of either sex but there can be fine line between a close friendship and an emotional affair.

It is like an affair without the bonking ..,.

I'd like one of those affairs.
No bonking, just someone to do a few jobs for me.

Unsurprisingly, I can't see anyone beating my door down to offer.

MissA what a jolly notion, a handy man with no expectations

TinSoldier

Your sister is jumping the gun in thinking that but as her husband is being open about the communication, she has the opportunity to get in front of things and to head off any potential escalation.

She could say, Are you planning to meet up with [name] as I’d very much like to meet her. Or even suggest something. Why don’t the three or even four of us meet up for lunch?

How he reacts to this will be an indication of what is going on his head.

Of course, people in couples are entitled to have their own friends of either sex but there can be fine line between a close friendship and an emotional affair.

This is genius

I wouldn't like it but know that doesn't make me right.

My husbands ex girlfriend came and stayed with us for a weekend. Because I had male friends I thought it was perfectly ok for him to have women friends and I trusted him totally. I ended up going through the most heartbreaking divorce.

Even if it hasn't been a physical affair, a lot of people find that their partner has been telling their friend all kinds of things that they shouldnt be privy to.

Texting once a day is excessive in the context of their relationship and there is almost certainly a problem brewing. A husband or wife who chooses to do something that makes the other uncomfortable or upset is not the foundation of a good marriage. When it involves someone of the opposite sex, it is also highly suspect.

If they were genuinely just friends they would not have cause to speak once a day, it would be an occasional exchange to update each other on their respective families. Complimenting each other on their appearance is crossing a boundary and as married grown ups they will know this.

Your BIL is having a mid life crisis, something which seems to be exclusive to men and which usually involves another woman, buying a motorbike or both.

I'd agree with other posters that it's hardly an affair, BUT the the point is, is that the Sister is unhappy with it and her husband should be respecting that. I guess the danger is that if the sister persists and this really is just a friendship, then she might drive the relationship into secrecy. That's when it becomes dangerous ground. So far he's been open and honest with his wife and complimenting someone on how they look is just a nice thing to do, especially if you haven't seen them for a long time (and as we get older we miss that kind of thing! Haha).

I agree that if the husband is unhappy the couple should talk about why. If the sister then decides not to see the chap again, however, it could put a strain on the marriage, every bit as much as if she continues to see him and her husband remains unhappy. It seems to me that the couple need to talk more generally, and the OP would do well to stay out of it. Be there for her sister if she's needed, by all means, but meddling is likely to make things worse.

Madgran77

To be honest it doesnt matter what it is. What matters is that your sister is not comfortable with it and her husband is just trampling overland dismissing her feelings. That is not part of a loving relationship!

this

flappergirl I can’t agree that a midlife crisis usually happens exclusively to men. I’ve witnessed many a crisis in women!

To me it's when you're in love with someone but not having sex with them. Basically the other person is as important to you as your spouse should be, and you'd probably make more time to listen to them if they needed a shoulder than you would your own spouse. Infidelity that's worse for the marriage than just using someone else's body for a night.

It’s cheating - cheating is not just physical - he is seeking solace in someone other than his partner sharing personal thoughts emotions experiences. She has said she is not happy with it so he should cease - who is the more important partner wife or ex I went through years of this where he texted called met up with “friends” I was just paranoid they got invited to do’s and occasions because they were fun - he’s not with me anymore

So well said !

How would the husband feel if the tables were turned and it was your sister receiving the emails. It's too easy for feelings to develop, especially as the husband and ex-girlfriend have history together. That can be a real emotional pull.

Male and female friendships can turn into "affairs". I know I had a friend for years the friendship turned adulterous.

For sure it's possible for old friends to be just old friends. There are a couple of people I occasionally hear from and it is honestly just old times, did you hear Bob has just died or I thought you might not have seen this article.
Anything more I'd shut that down pdq
Occasionally you read lovely stories of how old sweethearts get together again after both spouses due, and that's fine.
If someone starts crossing the line then you put a boundary in place, either you stay within the boundary or that's it
Looking back and now knowing what I now know, the emotional affairs my husband had would have progressed had the other person's not had good boundaries, and been decent women, the one he started off with as an emotional affair went beyond and he ran off with her
You have to be very careful indeed with friendships with old flames in particular

I certainly remember a dd saying that such and such a bloke who she saw a lot of, was ‘just a good friend’.

‘I don’t think so - he fancies you,’ sez I.
‘No, he honestly doesn’t!’

It wasn’t very long before he got very drunk and told her he fancied her like mad, always had.

Unless there’s some genuine reason, like one or both being gay, I don’t think mere no-fancying friendships between men and women very often exist. The sex bit so often gets in the way.

It is not flattering for your sister. It's causing her to be jealous and insecure. She does deserve better I'm sure.

A very difficult situation in which to give any advice. It is wise to set boundaries, but what and how>

I would do some research first and think things through.

www.getfilteroff.com/blog/10-crossed-boundaries-that-can-damage-a-relationship-even-if-its-not-cheating#:~:text=Developing%20a%20close%20emotional%20bond,them%20behind%20your%20partner's%20back.

The above is interesting. All the very best with this. Your daughter does not want an 'open' marriage and yet this has to be balanced against her husbands desire for friendship. My view is that men have difficulty making friends as they mainly talk about topics which are activities such as football, darts etc. and once they get close to women and they are able to meet in private they carried away sexually and they may offend. It is a very difficult situation and a visit to relate to talk this over with a counselor might help your daughter to decide how best to handle this particular problem.

Personally I have male friends from way back and my partner has female ones. Of course we can all compliment each others looks etc as you would any friend. It's fine to give help, even emotional support as well, as you would any old friend. I have even been persuaded by a gay male friend to pretend to be his wife in order to discourage unwanted romantic attention from someone. It's not an issue unless it actually becomes something more than friendship and it's hard to know where that line exists, particularly with an ex-bf/GF who may have had an intimate relationship with your partner in the past. If it's something you are uncomfortable with it's worth discussing with your partner, men are sometimes targets for women who want all their DIY jobs done, IT problems solved or even their loneliness relieved - all of which can be at your expense both emotionally and by eating into the time you have with your partner. Not saying we shouldn't be helping each other, just that some people can make use of us rather than it being a real friendship. As for an emotional affair, I'm also at a bit of a loss at how to identify this. It's more substantial than having a crush on someone but not necessarily physical, I guess. Perhaps MayBee70 has nailed it.

Sounds like an ego boost for them both to me which strikes as a bit pathetic! Complimenting each other on looks and ‘how well they had done in life’? Really? At their ages do they really need that from someone to whom they had hardly been close in recent years! I wouldn’t be particularly happy about it and I wonder how the husband would respond if his wife did something similar. Not particularly dangerous unless it becomes more intimate message wise or they plan to meet up ‘for old times sake’. Probably getting a frisson of excitement (plus the ego boost!) they lack in their everyday lives!