Does anyone know what an emotional affair is?

I doubt there are many people in a long term relationship who could honesty say they have never looked at another man or women and had a few flights of fantasy.

A couple of old flames have met at a school reunion and may be enjoying a brief frisson. I don’t know how old these people are but OP in an another discussion said she started college in 1962 age 15 so she was born in 1947. This is her younger sister. I’m guessing the people involved could be in their early 70s. I’m not saying that an affair isn’t possible but people this age have a lot to lose in terms of family and material security.

There are probably more people than we imagine who use their mobile devices to conduct "relationships" that their partners know nothing about. Any person who has ever dipped a toe in the murky waters of online dating will know there are a lot of bored married men and women out there living in fantasy land.

At least this man is being open about the communication. It’s probably playing to both parties' egos that someone is showing an interest in them. It could tip over into an emotional or even physical affair but unless one or other is looking for a way out of a tired relationship, it’ll probably fizzle out soon.

And as I said upthread, why not get both couples together for lunch? Men in their 70s are unlikely to be playing alpha male vying for the females in the pack. In my experience, they are too knackered physically and more interested in their hobbies. The two men will probably bond over football or fishing or fanbelts - the start of a wonderful bromance.

keepingquiet

It is possible for some people to have 'friends' of a different sex outside marriage especially with the technology available now.

Three things can happen here:

This 'friendship will fritter out after a while once the initial high has worn off

The texting on a low level will continue with no detriment to either party.

This will turn into a full blown affair instigated by either of the 'friends' for whatever reason but probably because either relationship is under some strain.

If this were my sister I would stay out of it. She needs to be honest with her husband about how she feels and he will either respect this or carry on what he's doing.

Getting involved in other family members relationships is never a good idea, and worrying though it may be for you, I would step away and let them sort it out.

Wise advice ..

I have stayed in contact with an exboyfriend throughout my entire life. We have been great friends. None of our partners have a problem with it, nobody gets insecure and we meet up ever so often, sometimes just us, sometimes all 4 of us. I treat him the same way as I treat all my girlfriends that I stay in contact with.
There is not always an "affair" there can be genuine friendship.
I think your BiL simply enjoys reminicising with his old friend over times in his life. As your DS wasn't around then he can't go over the same stories.
Why not suggest to meet up all together and engage with the friend asking to tell a lot about the things they were up to when they were young.
You never know, your DS might make a new friend there.

Now that you know what an emotional affair is and what the ramifications could be - I would say - stay out of it. It’s not yours to haggle with.

It’s that simple. Stay available for your sister when she may need you after the fact.

How would the husband feel if his wife was receiving messages every day from an old boyfriend ?

I suggest you stay well clear. I am thinking that if your BIL fancied this ex at the reunion, he wouldn't have been daft enough to tell your sister! I don't think she should worry until he starts taking the phone to the other end of the garden. That's what mine did!)

Hi there .
Texting once a day that isn’t “just”a friendship ….Imagine if it were the other way round hmmmmm

Daisydaisydaisy

Hi there .
Texting once a day that isn’t “just”a friendship ….Imagine if it were the other way round hmmmmm

It doesn't matter whether the people involved are male or female. Either the married couple trust one another or they don't. Either the marriage is secure or it's not. Either the new friend is after more or he/she isn't.

In a happy, secure marriage another person will pose no threat. If the sister is getting more from the 'old flame' than from her husband, they really need to discuss how to make the marriage happier, which I think is more important than simply not seeing or texting the other man. What is she meant to do - stop contact with someone who makes her happy so that she doesn't disturb the dynamics of an unsatisfactory marriage?

I'm in no way suggesting that it's ok to have an affair, but on the whole people have affairs when they are unhappy. If she is considering it (and from the info we have there is absolutely no evidence to suggest that this is the case) then the question is why? And can the marriage be made to work again so that both partners are happy? If not, and this is just a friendship, then squashing it may well push the marriage into unhappy territory. Some friends do text regularly and others don't - it doesn't mean anything either way.

Call their bluff and invite her and partner over for lunch. Shouldn't be a problem if it's so innocent. Be very pleasant and look slightly bemused.

Oh yes Plevey great fun could be had from a lunch together but a friend who did this got more than she bargained for when a holiday was organised by the 3 other people and which the other husband then dropped out of! She ended up trailing round after the other two enjoying their mutual interest in archaeological sites.

I don’t think it’s a question of trust. If he spends so much time in contact with another woman how can be available to his wife? How committed is he to his marriage and where do his priorities lie? I would not put up with this behaviour.

They text occasionally, and are 50 miles apart! How is that 'spending so much time with another woman that he is unavailable to his wife'? I really don't understand the possessive nature of some of the posts on this thread.

I don't text my close friends once a day.
Red flag

I’m not possessive, or I wasn’t when mr I was alive. He kept contact with two women in particular that he trained with, shared a house with in the kate 70’s. He kept contact with the two male house shares as well. They’d all become firm friends.
He was emotionally attached to these folks and others because he
Made proper relationships.

As for emotional affairs - I’d have felt uneasy about such a thing. It’s different than strong friendships/attachments.

Has the OP said they text once a day, though? I re-read the OP and she says they text occasionally.

Yes, Iam. I have male friends and not in a million years would anything improper happen with any of them. They are just friends, in the same way as my female ones.

An emotional affair is very different, and as I say, IMO if a relationship is drifting in that direction it suggests that there is something lacking in the marriage.

If the parties are married this not a good idea . It may start off innocently but will develop. I was in a messaging situation with a very good friend from university. He was divorced and I was widowed. All very polite and amusing, light hearted and innocent. I’m looking at him now , across the sitting room in our house, and wondering , as we both have, why we didn’t do this decades ago. The thing is …. We haven’t betrayed anyone in order to find happiness but think of the added ‘spice’ of long lost forbidden love, attraction, flirtation - call it what you want. It’s risky verging on wrong. I hope I’m wrong and that no one gets hurt.

First thing, don't get involved in your sisters marriage issues, never a good idea. Be a good listener that's all.
If your BIL knows this is making your sister unhappy he should be happy to end this very immature friendship.
Contacting each other every day, that is very weird, it's the sort of thing teenagers do.

Where has the idea that they text every day come from?

It seems to have developed like a game of Whispers.

The OP has only posted twice, and the information she has given is that they live 50 miles apart and text occasionally.

OP says in her very first post:

She is quite upset at these, also the messages are frequent (at least once a day) as far as she knows.

Ah, so she does. I read the OP several times and missed that, sorry.

Update,I spoke to my sister today.She said her DH and his old flame were planning to meet. Her H had actually told her of this. I(thanks to gn) suggested she suggests to him the four of them should meet for coffee or lunch. She thinks it,s a good idea and will put it to her H. And yes to those who were inquisitive,my sister is 73 .Her DH slightly older by a day!

I think that was me who suggested that and I was also speculating on how old the people are. Age doesn't necessarily preclude an affair but there's a lot to lose. Less comfortable to go down that route, I imagine, if you know and like the people who are being deceived. At least, your sister's husband has been open about the meet up assuming he told her without her having to prise it out of him.

After my suggestion to my sister re- four meeting for lunch or coffee she put it to her DH. He,apparently thought this would be a good idea and did just that! My sister said she wasn,t totally thrilled at the thought of this but was prepared to go along with it. I suggested she .might have her mind put at rest when she sees that the ex girlfriend appears to be no threat to her marriage at all. However after a day or so(I think) my SiL had a reply. The ex girlfriends partner does not want to meet with my SiL and my sister. No mention at all if the ex gf would like to meet up on her own! Seems odd to me. I am not,apart from the above,getting involved other than supporting my sister when she speaks to me.But she is still a bit upset by the situation and talking to me helps her cope.

An emotional affair is lust in my opinion.
And as such, is an affair, according to the Bible.

Are referring to coveting thy neighbour’s wife? We don’t actually know that there is any coveting going on, do we?