Parental alienation

Germanshepherdsmum

keepingquiet

I am back in court next week. I can't give details but the last hearing my son's ex was destroyed by the magistrate. It was no fun listening to the debacle. She still insisted, as is her right, on another hearing.

What a terrible waste of time and money- just to spend time with your own flesh and blood. It is ridiculous.

In my view the court are not interested in he said/she said/ they said. They only take note of Cafcass and what is in the child's interest, or not as the case may be.

Magistrates don’t deal with these matters - and of course courts decide what is in the children’s best interests. Do you think that is wrong? The interests of the children are paramount. I get the impression you think that your son’s, and your, interests should be the most important consideration. That explains a lot.

What do you mean it explains a lot? You know nothing about the situation and yes, there were two magistrates in attendance.

How can it be in the child's best interests not to know her family? Of course you are probably assuming we are somehow toxic and don't care about the child.

I do think my son has the right to see his child, and he has been granted those rights- I have also been granted rights so you don't know what you are talking about either.

You seem very judgemental about these things, Germanshepherdsmum.

I know all my son's shortcomings and accept he is no angel, but neither is his ex, and she has the child.

Parents aren't expected to be perfect, but they should be given a chance to be parents, and that is the law.

No, not everyone deserves the right to be parents.some people forfeit that right, the children are the most important people here, and if they choose not to see a parent, then they certainly shouldn’t have the law telling them they have to.

It can be very much in the child’s best interests not to have contact with certain family members. It’s nothing to do with your son’s ‘rights’. You now say that your son has his shortcomings and is no angel. You see him through a mother’s eyes. A court social worker decides, without bias, what is in the child’s best interests, and the court will act accordingly. It is not the law that parents ‘should be given a chance to be parents’.

Germanshepherdsmum

It can be very much in the child’s best interests not to have contact with certain family members. It’s nothing to do with your son’s ‘rights’. You now say that your son has his shortcomings and is no angel. You see him through a mother’s eyes. A court social worker decides, without bias, what is in the child’s best interests, and the court will act accordingly. It is not the law that parents ‘should be given a chance to be parents’.

Oh for heaven's sake- the court social worker approved access for both myself and my son. That was without bias on my part. Mum was accused of lying in court but I'm not going to say anymore, infact I wish I'd never said anything.

Who needs a court with people on this site forming opinions with no basis to do so?

In my case it took years - once our Grandson was old enough to go on Facebook he sought me out. we met up for a drink, I was able to show him all the delivered/signed for birthday and Christmas receipts from Royal Mail - he hadn't received any of them, what a surprise. We do now have a sort of relationship

Go back to court is the only way to rectify it. How old are the children? If they are over 10 and are backing their mother, there's nothing you can do as they get a say too. Then it's just a case of waiting til they're old enough to decide for themselves.

It’s very sad when alienation happens for no good reason and the children are weaponised. Unfortunately it can carry on even when the children are adults. My SIL gets very angry that her son wants a relationship with his father. Her son still lives at home (he’s in his early 20’s & looking to leave) & when he visits his dad, she freezes him out, sulks, posts a lot of self pitying memes on Facebook (not that her son follows her on facebook!) & does things like taking her adult daughter out for lunch & not inviting her son! He still sees his dad regularly, is planning to move in with him imminently even though that will mean sleeping on the sofa, until he’s saved enough for deposit so all she’s done is lose her son!
Her marriage broke down because he had an affair. Whilst this was wrong, she can’t see that perhaps her refusal to increase her hours or get a full time job when the children were teenagers (she works in the NHS so plenty of vacancies) whilst expecting her husband to maintain a certain lifestyle for the family, which meant he was doing 2 jobs was a contributing factor. He met the woman he was had an affair with on the second job, she was also doing a second job. Interestingly, this behaviour is now being copied by her daughter.

I think the 16 yo is able to make their own decisions regarding this. The younger ones are growing up quickly and can do what they like in a few years. Try not to worry. Time passes so. quickly.

How can a 16 year old living with the parent whose preventing contact with the father and father's family, make their own decisions on this nipsmum?

I would suggest using a mediator - your son can have a MIAM first & the mediation service will approach the mother of the children. If she will engage / an option would be for the mediator to speak to the children and hear their wishes and feelings .

Try to stay out of the marital stuff and appeal to the mum to allow a health relationship with for the children with their grandparents. Do you have a relationship with the other grands?

in England, in private law conflicts, mediation is always recommended unless there is domestic abuse

I agree with Katie, I’ve met several mothers who used their children, very subtly in order to punish their ex husbands, more so if the husband had an affair, they made it impossible as children stay with their mothers usually and are loyal to her.
I think it an evil thing to do! Just because a marriage doesn’t work and the husband leaves, he could well be the better parent. Children suffer not seeing their father, they carry that rejection with them, but that doesn’t bother some women as they want revenge but would never admit it.My husband just didn’t turn up when he said he would, didn’t contribute but I really wanted him to love and care for his children. I think both of mine were deeply affected by his rejection. Luckily they both have happy marriages and children.

cossybabe

In my case it took years - once our Grandson was old enough to go on Facebook he sought me out. we met up for a drink, I was able to show him all the delivered/signed for birthday and Christmas receipts from Royal Mail - he hadn't received any of them, what a surprise. We do now have a sort of relationship

I've just gone 11 months without seeing my grandson. It's killing me. He's only 4 and a half but I'm missing out on so much. It's so painful. Some days I can't function. I hope I get to see him again.

There is very little anyone can do. The father will have to go back to court, possibly again and again. Happening to us, to our young friend who is being denied his son, to my friends who are supporting their son in law in his fight to see his son.
We haven't even seen our new Grandson, we found out about him quite some time after he was born.
Good luck.

Iam64

in England, in private law conflicts, mediation is always recommended unless there is domestic abuse

Mediation is mandatory before the family court hearing. It is possible to have over the phone sessions.

In my experience mediation is just a delaying tactic because the courts have such a backlog. I would be interested to know if it has worked for anyone?

In my case it was never going to work as the other party doesn't understand compromise and then renaged on her own agreement! If couples can agree to mediate then in my opinion they wouldn't have applied to court?

The system is broken and it is all very sad for the children.

Keeping quiet - yes I’ve known mediation help couples reach agreement and avoid the damaging long conflicts in the family courts. It won’t work if one/both refuse to engage in the process for the benefit of the their children

Keepingitquiet the ex’s solicitor (after sending some awful email messages beforehand) finally agreed that the sealed order had been agreed and that the children would be available on the dates in the order. Some of the people here simply don’t get that many men are not the evil monsters that women make them out to be. They can’t accept that some women will do anything to get revenge. However, it is the reality for many men. I’m told by a friend of the ex that she had been planning certain situations months in advance of the formal break up after getting advice on how to ensure she got free legal aid. Please keep the faith and know that there are plenty of us out there that truly understand this situation. My SIL isn’t perfect either but he tries so hard to be a good daddy. The boys need a good role model and they do need their daddy. They love their daddy but are confused by the relentless anti daddy propaganda coming from beloved mummy (of course they love her dearly). The judge will decide the formal permanent arrangement in April for us, it will give my SIL equal status with the mother. Will it stop her behaviour, since three social services reports have not, I doubt it.

I don’t see anyone ‘on here’ claiming all mothers are blameless during conflict about contract arrangements after relationships fail. In truth most parents find a way to agree based on the needs of their children.

Having seen the result of my DDs being manipulated by ex and his family, I quite believe how convincing they would have appeared to the court. So sad.

keepingquiet

This is all very sad but also all too common these days.

I was prevented from seeing my GD for more than two years. It doesn't seem very long but she was less than a year old when I last saw her- so I missed a lot of those important milestones when she was very small.

She was born during Covid so I never even got to give her proper kisses and cuddles. She forgot who I was.

My story is a long and complex one I don't want to bore you with, but I did go to court eighteen months ago in support of my son's application for contact with his own child.

I have now seen my GD on a regular basis and to see her running towards me with her arms out for a big hug is one of the joys of my life. It has cost me more than I could really afford, especially in mental health as well as financial terms, but it has been worth every penny.

We are hoping that next week at the final hearing we will be allowed more time with her. Her mum doesn't want us to have any more than a few hours, but we are saying that isn't enough.

I don't know, a few years down the line, if things will get better or worse but for now we make the most of the fun we have and make memories I hope will last for her.

This is amazing that you went forward with determination and now have what all grandmothers deserve ❤️
I understand the mental health area … mine is being very challenged atm .. like I’ve never experienced as a parental grandparent.

Does your son know about a charity called Families Need Fathers? In Scotland a similar organisation is Shared Parenting Scotland. Both these charities have experienced volunteers to speak to, many of whom are also alienated from their children.
Worth a look at their websites.