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Dating 55-65: age range and children/grandkids

(20 Posts)
CLiz Fri 22-Mar-24 14:13:16

Hi Folks
I'm interested in views on how you set your age limits in online dating. I know one might say "any decent port in a storm" but the whole thing is pick and mix.
I got divorced mid-50s (blindsided) and haven't had much luck anyway - I'm pretty affluent and highly educated and so I do have issues that not many chaps match in those terms.
I'm childless not by choice and when I started searched diligently for chaps either with younger kids still at home or with their grandkids - my view is that with a childless man it would be rather quiet to be two people getting older together.
SO I'm currently chatting to a nice man (lesser income but homeowner) 5 years younger than me who has a 12 year old daughter. I'd like to make a go of it with him, but not sure if he feels the same yet. BUT just been contacted by a glossier, more affluent chap early 70s, 10 years older than me, who I'm meeting for a drink later this week.
Certainly neither is at the "this is a relationship" stage. But I'm just wondering what others think about the age difference with an older man. At 40 and 50 it wouldn't bother me, but once chaps start getting into their 70s do you think there is just not enough "mileage" left in it?
And what is "too young"? I started chatting with a 51 year old with a 9 year old daughter and he was keen to meet up. But I would worry that with a 10 year gap they wouldn't see it as long term and then I'd end up by myself again when nearing 70.

Coronation Sun 31-Mar-24 08:20:56

If you were to date someone childless, would that increase your options? Perhaps dating someone with children brings baggage.

There are men who marry older women. Think of Macron, they are very happy together. So I'm not sure there is an age which is too young if you're compatible.

Imarocker Sun 31-Mar-24 08:24:43

There is no way of assessing someone’s ‘mileage’. I have a friend whose husband is 7 years younger than she is. He has always been the lynchpin of the relationship. she has spent her life being adored and fussed with everything done for her and now he is ill and she finds the roles have to be reversed.

RosiesMaw Sun 31-Mar-24 10:31:03

I’m getting vibes of a “spreadsheet “ approach to your choice of potential partners and while I am all in favour of common sense, is this not a little calculating?
Or as Tina Turner sang
“What’s love got to do with it?”

Callistemon21 Sun 31-Mar-24 11:06:33

I'm more concerned about the 12 year old daughter.
She's obviously had a tough time one way or another and needs some love and care, not somewhere who is calculating the best options.

Callistemon21 Sun 31-Mar-24 11:06:52

Someone.

Autocorrect.

Germanshepherdsmum Sun 31-Mar-24 11:20:07

I’m amazed that before having reached ‘this is a relationship stage’, the OP knows how much the younger man earns and that the older one is ‘affluent’. I agree with what you say RosiesMaw. I pity the children caught up in this.

Urmstongran Sun 31-Mar-24 11:26:09

My mum was widowed at 45y. My dad died just shy of their silver wedding anniversary.

She then met my stepfather through work. They married when she was 60y. They had 26 happy years together before she died six years ago now. She said to me ‘if you’ve had a happy marriage you’re more likely to try for another’. Maybe.

pascal30 Sun 31-Mar-24 11:30:34

There is sensible and there is calculating.. why don't you meet them and see if you feel anything real.. also I wouldn't underestimate how difficult it may be with a teenager in the mix..

rafichagran Sun 31-Mar-24 11:42:22

I am glad you are careful, but you are so calculating. Also you are childless by choice which I respect, but why do you want your prospective partner to have children or Grandchildren, you can have a good relationship and do what you want especially if he has friends and is sociable.
I found love after getting divorced alot of years later, and I was not looking for it.

Greyisnotmycolour Sun 31-Mar-24 11:42:24

At the end of the day it's the person that counts, not their age. I think 10 years difference either way could work. I have two friends happily married for many years to men 10 years younger than them. I know a childless woman in her late 40s who married a widower with grandchildren. She gained an instant, loving family that she thought had passed her by. We change as we age and illness can strike at anytime so you have no idea what the future may bring. This is why you need to focus on personality rather than the other issues. Does he make you laugh? Is he responsible? Will he have your back now matter what? Is he kind? How's his relationships with his family? Could you stand being in his company day after day with nothing much happening? Do you love him? So many things to consider but I think you need to edit your spreadsheet, remove some of the material criteria and add in some more emotional/personality based ones. Good luck with your search.

Germanshepherdsmum Sun 31-Mar-24 12:39:06

The OP is not childless by choice rafichagran.

Poppyred Sun 31-Mar-24 12:45:22

Love happens, it’s not something you can plan for.

BlueBelle Sun 31-Mar-24 12:50:23

Oh dear don’t like this planned romance stuff
No comment

rafichagran Sun 31-Mar-24 12:58:30

My apologies OP I misread the post.

sodapop Sun 31-Mar-24 12:59:50

I'm sorry CLiz but I do find your approach very self centred. Children & grandchildren are not there to make your life better and in fact could be the cause of disagreements as we have seen so often on Gransnet.
You don't mention friendship or love in your post, just a 'diligent search' . I wonder how prospective partners view your search.

Callistemon21 Sun 31-Mar-24 13:53:16

These are their online profiles.
The reality could be quite different.

I can't imagine searching diligently for a chap

It sounds rather like househunting or researching washing machines.

Juggernaut Sun 31-Mar-24 14:00:05

Sorry, but I would advise the men to run, you're coming across as very cold and calculating!

Katie59 Sun 31-Mar-24 18:43:15

I made the decision in my late 50s he is 10 yrs older, both of us have adult children and no baggage, I get on well with his family, 5 yrs on were married.

I would say don’t overthink the age difference, what matters is how well you get on and enjoy living together, it took me 3 months before I moved in. Keep your finances separate of course, if you have a house rent it out, you never know what the future will bring.

I wasn’t actually looking for a relationship but after the second date I knew it was going to happen, we have very similar interests and do most things together. I wouldn’t have wanted us to have a lot of different activities spending time apart.

Scribbles Sun 31-Mar-24 19:21:05

For goodness sake, OP, you sound as if you're buying a second hand car! Do you want the lower mileage model with a few bumps and scrapes? Or the one with a prestige badge but more on the clock? Make sure you check the bodywork for rust and inspect the tyres....

I would like to say you should get to know these men properly, in person and see how you get on but feel it would be kinder to tell both of them to run for the hills.

I did not meet my (fairly new) partner through a dating site but I'm certain that, if either of us had joined such a site and described ourselves accurately, the other would have swiped away. It's not about affluence, home ownership, age or grandchildren. What matters is kindness, loyalty, shared laughter, a sense of responsibility, shared values and the certainty that the other person will always be there for you no matter what.

I hope you find what you're looking for.