Nowt so queer as folk as they say in Yorkshire

Update. We have exchanged a few text messages over the past 2 months but I do not like communicating with long messages so my messages are always brief.
Then surprise, surprise my friend invited me round for a cup of tea yesterday.
My friend only lives a 20-min walk away. Off I trotted. She's doing very well following surgery. We had a lovely time catching up with lots of news.

I have a good friend who I worked with for many years and also socialised with often. She doesn't have people to her house because she regards it as her sanctuary from the world. I am perfectly happy to meet up with her at other places. I don't think it's something related to a specific area, just a specific person

My grandmother grew up in the era of "formal" calls where people only stayed about 20 minutes and left cards if the mistress was out. There were people whom she "knew socially" and others. Those who were known socially were invited in and others were kept on the doorstep. That seems like a good plan to me.

I am also a very private person and have never invited a neighbour in for 20 years. If I need to speak to one at length I have one of those ring type doorbells and I use the app. I find that gets across the message that they are intruding.

Keep being her friend. She might just feel it is too tiring to invite you in and if she has hurt her shoulder she maybe can’t tidy up and feels a bit ashamed of the mess. Different strokes for different folks and all that.

Folks are suggesting that the friend is untidy/ horder etc or that she is embarrassed. I think there was mention of decluttering. Perhaps this friend is a bit. OCD and can’t stand any disruption

People who I would count as my true friends have been to mine and me to theirs many times and often just walk in as I would to their's

There's a swathe of people however whom I have known for years and talked to in the street who have never asked me in and have perhaps been to my house on one or two occasions.

At the other extreme, an enthusiastic family moved in next door about 30 years ago, invited us to a huge party (marquee, catering and band) and the next day their DD, aged about 10, walked into our house, uninvited, and followed me into the bathroom where our youngest was in the tub!
I didn't encourage her familiarity.
I still know this fanily though thankfully they no longer live next door.

I agree with those saying don’t push her. Whatever her reasons they are hers, and nobody has a right to go into someone else’s personal space. There are all sorts of reasons why she prefers her home to be private, and so long as you enjoy her company when you see her, those reasons shouldn’t get in the way of friendship. You risk losing a friend if you make her feel uncomfortable, which pushing to invade her space might do.
You sound like a lovely friend, and it would be a shame if she lost you.

It sounds as though "A" has something to hide. She is possibly a hoarder which is a psychiatric condition that causes enormous shame and makes day to day life stressful and, at times, almost impossible. If you suspected someone was illiterate, would you humiliate them by asking them to read something to you? Hoarders have similar difficulties insomuch as they must always make excuses to deflect visitors (even essential tradesmen) and they live with the constant fear of being "outed".

Well, time will tell if my friend accepts my help during her recovery. I will update you if she does. Thanks to you all for your sensible and very welcome replies.

Primrose53

If a friend or neighbour calls at my house I never leave them on the doorstop, I always ask them in. It would just seem rude to me plus you are letting all the heat out.

There’s a lovely family nearby and if I walk past when they’re car washing or gardening they keep me talking for ages. Really friendly. They have lived there about 20 years. Many a time they have come into my house when one of them has forgotten their key, or to collect a parcel or if they want to borrow something. Yet, I have never been invited further than their doorstep! They can’t be embarrassed because at night they never close their curtains, all the rooms are lit and you can see right in. Another neighbour said she was treated the same for about 15 years and was only invited in when they got a cat and wanted her to feed it when they went away one weekend.

I can only think, with them maybe it’s a Northern thing, because they moved here from Lancs.

I can’t believe it’s a Northern thing as they are supposed to be even more hospitable than us ‘darn sowff’😁
I think you know what they are from your description, users!

mumofmadboys I agree with you.
I dont know how her post- op recovery will go without help and company but it's her choice. She will be entitled to some Home Care though.

If a friend or neighbour calls at my house I never leave them on the doorstop, I always ask them in. It would just seem rude to me plus you are letting all the heat out.

There’s a lovely family nearby and if I walk past when they’re car washing or gardening they keep me talking for ages. Really friendly. They have lived there about 20 years. Many a time they have come into my house when one of them has forgotten their key, or to collect a parcel or if they want to borrow something. Yet, I have never been invited further than their doorstep! They can’t be embarrassed because at night they never close their curtains, all the rooms are lit and you can see right in. Another neighbour said she was treated the same for about 15 years and was only invited in when they got a cat and wanted her to feed it when they went away one weekend.

I can only think, with them maybe it’s a Northern thing, because they moved here from Lancs.

Some people see chaos in places I see extreme tidiness too of course.
I think this is entirely about her, not you.

If she was my friend I'd cook anyway and say "I'm popping out on Friday on an errand. I'll drop a casserole in for you at about 2pm. I'm too busy to come in. If you are out will just leave on your doorstep. Thinking of you".
... and then that's what I'd do. And if she didn't answer the door I'd send a text to say it was there.

How lovely to have you care about her.
💕

Coco Pops just read that you’re in Canada so different culture, I missed that bit.
I couldn’t be friends with someone who wouldn’t for any reason invite me into their home yet expect to continue coming into mine.It’s your friendship tho, not mine and you seem to accept the situation, yet feel hurt by it.

Ziplok

Sometimes, people are embarrassed to have people see their home. Do you think this could be a possibility?

I have known three people like this over my lifetime. One was a great friend of my mother. Yes, she really was. She struggled with her mental health and was often in complete chaos. She did occasionally let mum in if she needed help with her little niece who she was bringing up. I was allowed in to play sometimes. She was SO kind and very "arty". I really loved her - and she really loved my mum.

Role Thank-you.
MissAdventure My friend often decluters so not a hoarder.
Cossy Very likely as you say, just not comfortable.

I disagree Oreo. I think with somebody who doesn’t invite anybody back to their house you have to respect that their embarrassment is significant, so why make them even more uncomfortable about it by pushing them, it’s so personal that it’s not necessarily something they would confide in anybody about.

I don't think you should push her.It sounds like bullying tactics. Just accept her how she is.

Not sure about ‘I wouldn’t push her’ as that means continuing to always be the host yourself in your own home.
If somebody is really a good friend they would confide in you why they never invite you in.If just a neighbour or an acquaintance that’s different and you can call time on it.
Sometimes a bit of pushing is just what’s needed.

CocoPops

Oreo If I suggested tea at her house I am certain she would say "Let's meet at the coffee shop". When I have called round prior to us going out in her car, the front door is locked and she is waiting on the deck.
Ziplock She once said she was embarrassed because her house, which looks lovely, is a bit out-dated inside ie the kitchen units. I think that's just an excuse though. The outside and garden look well-cared for.

I doubt it is an excuse, I think that is her issue with inviting people to her home. It may not be justified, but she is embarrassed to expose the way she lives, as you say she doesn’t seemingly invite anybody in. I know somebody like this, it’s very common, so I wouldn’t push her, just do what she’s comfortable with.

My oldest friend (primary school) rarely invites me to her house and i know that’s because she’s embarrassed by the untidiness/clutter.

As kids her house was cleaner/tidier than mine and we’ve gone opposite to how we were raised but I don’t judge - she’s my friend for crying out loud! So why does it matter to her?

I’d rather meet friends out for a walk, coffee, lunch or whatever. Neutral territory. But I think I might make an exception if I was incapacitated and someone was offering such kindness as you CocoPops.

Maybe (she feels) her house is in some way “inferior” to her other friends, maybe she is embarrassed cos she hates housework and doesn’t do much, maybe she just feels uncomfortable having other people in her personal home space.

I do know people like this and I’d say if you enjoy her company accept her foibles.

You could just drop off some things on her doorstep and text her afterwards to let her know they are there if she lives fairly close or send something via a delivery.

Hope she recovers soon x

Perhaps she is finding it difficult to cope indoors for some reason?
Clutter, or even hoarding.
It can soon creep up on someone.

MissAdventure "Ours not to reason why".!
Oreo The culture is different here (Canada). To push for an explanation would be considered intrusive.