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Nowt so queer as folk as they say in Yorkshire

(31 Posts)
CocoPops Sun 31-Mar-24 19:52:10

My good friend "A" broke her shoulder badly which resulted in hospital admission prior to being discharged home with surgery scheduled for a Total Shoulder Replacement 2 weeks later. She keeps me posted by text.
"A" lives alone so naturally I thought I'd visit with food, flowers and offer to help and sent a message asking her when would be convenient.(I should say the custom here is not to just drop in on people).
She continued to text but ignored my question which I repeated a few days later but again with no response.
Hopefully family will rally round after surgery but they work full-time.
'A' is a close friend but over our long friendship I have never been invited inside her home (nor are other friends) but she visits my place. Of course I accept her idiosyncrasies but wonder if other GNs have friends like this?

Oreo Sun 31-Mar-24 20:04:14

Not sure you can really call her a good friend tbh if she hasn’t once invited you into her home!
I have a neighbour who is similar, wants to drop in for a coffee but doesn’t reciprocate, I make excuses now that I’m busy.Actually usually I really am, so not really a fib.

CocoPops Sun 31-Mar-24 20:20:50

I enjoy "A's "company but I see what you mean*Oreo*and admit I feel somewhat rejected.

Oreo Sun 31-Mar-24 20:31:58

You could try saying outright, ‘ let’s have a cuppa and chat at your house’ or ‘ y’know what Barbara? In all the years we’ve been friends I haven’t been into your house’ !
That has to provoke a conversation or excuses at any rate.
I think you’re entitled to know why.

Ziplok Sun 31-Mar-24 20:33:20

Sometimes, people are embarrassed to have people see their home. Do you think this could be a possibility?

MissAdventure Sun 31-Mar-24 20:39:20

Yes, I've a friend of some 35 or so years, who lives just across the road from me, and I have been in hers three times in all.

When we were young, people said she was worried that her place was a mess (which it wasn't) and the rest of the time, I have no idea why.

CocoPops Sun 31-Mar-24 20:50:18

Oreo If I suggested tea at her house I am certain she would say "Let's meet at the coffee shop". cafeWhen I have called round prior to us going out in her car, the front door is locked and she is waiting on the deck.
Ziplock She once said she was embarrassed because her house, which looks lovely, is a bit out-dated inside ie the kitchen units. I think that's just an excuse though. The outside and garden look well-cared for.

CocoPops Sun 31-Mar-24 20:59:16

MissAdventure "Ours not to reason why".!
Oreo The culture is different here (Canada). To push for an explanation would be considered intrusive.

MissAdventure Sun 31-Mar-24 21:00:17

Perhaps she is finding it difficult to cope indoors for some reason?
Clutter, or even hoarding.
It can soon creep up on someone.

Cossy Sun 31-Mar-24 21:01:20

Maybe (she feels) her house is in some way “inferior” to her other friends, maybe she is embarrassed cos she hates housework and doesn’t do much, maybe she just feels uncomfortable having other people in her personal home space.

I do know people like this and I’d say if you enjoy her company accept her foibles.

You could just drop off some things on her doorstep and text her afterwards to let her know they are there if she lives fairly close or send something via a delivery.

Hope she recovers soon x

Role Sun 31-Mar-24 21:02:05

I’d rather meet friends out for a walk, coffee, lunch or whatever. Neutral territory. But I think I might make an exception if I was incapacitated and someone was offering such kindness as you CocoPops.

Pantglas2 Sun 31-Mar-24 21:04:17

My oldest friend (primary school) rarely invites me to her house and i know that’s because she’s embarrassed by the untidiness/clutter.

As kids her house was cleaner/tidier than mine and we’ve gone opposite to how we were raised but I don’t judge - she’s my friend for crying out loud! So why does it matter to her?

Casdon Sun 31-Mar-24 21:07:10

CocoPops

Oreo If I suggested tea at her house I am certain she would say "Let's meet at the coffee shop". cafeWhen I have called round prior to us going out in her car, the front door is locked and she is waiting on the deck.
Ziplock She once said she was embarrassed because her house, which looks lovely, is a bit out-dated inside ie the kitchen units. I think that's just an excuse though. The outside and garden look well-cared for.

I doubt it is an excuse, I think that is her issue with inviting people to her home. It may not be justified, but she is embarrassed to expose the way she lives, as you say she doesn’t seemingly invite anybody in. I know somebody like this, it’s very common, so I wouldn’t push her, just do what she’s comfortable with.

Oreo Sun 31-Mar-24 21:12:12

Not sure about ‘I wouldn’t push her’ as that means continuing to always be the host yourself in your own home.
If somebody is really a good friend they would confide in you why they never invite you in.If just a neighbour or an acquaintance that’s different and you can call time on it.
Sometimes a bit of pushing is just what’s needed.

mumofmadboys Sun 31-Mar-24 21:20:04

I don't think you should push her.It sounds like bullying tactics. Just accept her how she is.

Casdon Sun 31-Mar-24 21:20:32

I disagree Oreo. I think with somebody who doesn’t invite anybody back to their house you have to respect that their embarrassment is significant, so why make them even more uncomfortable about it by pushing them, it’s so personal that it’s not necessarily something they would confide in anybody about.

CocoPops Sun 31-Mar-24 21:20:35

Role Thank-you.
MissAdventure My friend often decluters so not a hoarder.
Cossy Very likely as you say, just not comfortable.

NotSpaghetti Sun 31-Mar-24 21:25:38

Ziplok

Sometimes, people are embarrassed to have people see their home. Do you think this could be a possibility?

I have known three people like this over my lifetime. One was a great friend of my mother. Yes, she really was. She struggled with her mental health and was often in complete chaos. She did occasionally let mum in if she needed help with her little niece who she was bringing up. I was allowed in to play sometimes. She was SO kind and very "arty". I really loved her - and she really loved my mum.

Oreo Sun 31-Mar-24 21:33:42

Coco Pops just read that you’re in Canada so different culture, I missed that bit.
I couldn’t be friends with someone who wouldn’t for any reason invite me into their home yet expect to continue coming into mine.It’s your friendship tho, not mine and you seem to accept the situation, yet feel hurt by it.

NotSpaghetti Sun 31-Mar-24 21:35:06

Some people see chaos in places I see extreme tidiness too of course.
I think this is entirely about her, not you.

If she was my friend I'd cook anyway and say "I'm popping out on Friday on an errand. I'll drop a casserole in for you at about 2pm. I'm too busy to come in. If you are out will just leave on your doorstep. Thinking of you".
... and then that's what I'd do. And if she didn't answer the door I'd send a text to say it was there.

How lovely to have you care about her.
💕

Primrose53 Sun 31-Mar-24 21:37:49

If a friend or neighbour calls at my house I never leave them on the doorstop, I always ask them in. It would just seem rude to me plus you are letting all the heat out.

There’s a lovely family nearby and if I walk past when they’re car washing or gardening they keep me talking for ages. Really friendly. They have lived there about 20 years. Many a time they have come into my house when one of them has forgotten their key, or to collect a parcel or if they want to borrow something. Yet, I have never been invited further than their doorstep! They can’t be embarrassed because at night they never close their curtains, all the rooms are lit and you can see right in. Another neighbour said she was treated the same for about 15 years and was only invited in when they got a cat and wanted her to feed it when they went away one weekend.

I can only think, with them maybe it’s a Northern thing, because they moved here from Lancs.

CocoPops Sun 31-Mar-24 21:38:54

mumofmadboys I agree with you.
I dont know how her post- op recovery will go without help and company but it's her choice. She will be entitled to some Home Care though.

Oreo Sun 31-Mar-24 21:45:10

Primrose53

If a friend or neighbour calls at my house I never leave them on the doorstop, I always ask them in. It would just seem rude to me plus you are letting all the heat out.

There’s a lovely family nearby and if I walk past when they’re car washing or gardening they keep me talking for ages. Really friendly. They have lived there about 20 years. Many a time they have come into my house when one of them has forgotten their key, or to collect a parcel or if they want to borrow something. Yet, I have never been invited further than their doorstep! They can’t be embarrassed because at night they never close their curtains, all the rooms are lit and you can see right in. Another neighbour said she was treated the same for about 15 years and was only invited in when they got a cat and wanted her to feed it when they went away one weekend.

I can only think, with them maybe it’s a Northern thing, because they moved here from Lancs.

I can’t believe it’s a Northern thing as they are supposed to be even more hospitable than us ‘darn sowff’😁
I think you know what they are from your description, users!

CocoPops Sun 31-Mar-24 21:59:39

Well, time will tell if my friend accepts my help during her recovery. I will update you if she does. Thanks to you all for your sensible and very welcome replies.

flappergirl Sun 31-Mar-24 22:12:24

It sounds as though "A" has something to hide. She is possibly a hoarder which is a psychiatric condition that causes enormous shame and makes day to day life stressful and, at times, almost impossible. If you suspected someone was illiterate, would you humiliate them by asking them to read something to you? Hoarders have similar difficulties insomuch as they must always make excuses to deflect visitors (even essential tradesmen) and they live with the constant fear of being "outed".